torn

i grew up in the san fernando valley, which is part of the greater los angeles area, and as said before has made the the valley girl you all know and love. when i got into san francisco state i couldn't wait to escape the bubble of self involved anorexia and explore new and different places. i was more than excited to experience life in a city, and if nothing else have an adventure for four years, to at least add to my cultural learning. when i first moved i always assumed i would go back to southern california eventually. i mean i loved the city and the atmosphere, but i am a product of suburbia, and i just couldn't imagine settling down without the possibility of having a front and back yard. but as life would have it, a semester into college and the girls i thought were my best friends decided they didn't want me in their lives anymore. the devastation made me determined to love san francisco even more. and as much as it kills me, i have to thank them for that. i spent the next year and a half throwing myself into the city life. i let go of my fear of public transportation and spent time exploring new parts and places in the city.

i learned about great places to go shopping, to eat, and to just have some fun. but more importantly i think i experienced true san franciscan culture. growing up in a bubble, it never occurred to me that moving to sf would not only be a location change, but it would introduce me to a whole new mentality. everyone is so much more relaxed and laid back. i didn't feel the same sort of pressure to be super skinny, or really tan, or tall and blonde. i was able to feel like i finally fit in somewhere and i truly enjoyed it. i think i really became myself. i realized how much i was censored in highschool, and so much of it was dictated to me by those so called friends. i'm a weird person, and i like that about myself, but it definitely took san francisco to bring it out.

i was in love, and it seemed like i was never going back to southern california. i mean how could you move back to the boring valley, when there was so much fun to be had in the city. and then this year happened. well really this semester. this has been the roughest semester i have had in college so far. i hurt my back three times, which sent me into a frenzy of discouragement and lack of motivation. i feel like every time i tried to get up, i just got shot back down. and sometimes quite literally. the stress of being an adult has finally consumed me, and i don't know what to do anymore. i've never wanted to move home more, in fact i've even considered transferring schools for my last three classes and just getting out as fast as i can. (probably fortunately, it's not possible). i don't think it's southern california i miss. i know it isn't. it's having someone to take care of me that is most appealing. i never thought i would say this, but i cannot wait to move back in with my parents. i'm sick of taking care of everyone, and i just want someone to take care of me. there's nothing like a semester of dragging yourself to doctors, arguing with health insurance, trying to make ends meet with a dead end job, fixing problems in the house, trying to get all the bills paid and worrying about passing your classes to make you want your mom again.

the mighty has fallen. (me being the mighty of course). and the path i am going to take to overcome it is still unclear. i really need a break from life, from everything really, so i can patch myself back up, but that seems next to impossible. i'm just trying to stick it out, but honestly, it breaks my heart to say it, i'm counting down the days til i can get that one way ticket out of the real world, and back to southern cali.