fish-a-phobic

Last year Disney released a movie called Earth, documenting the lives of three animal families; Elephants, Humpback Whales, and Polar bears. It was a pretty big hit, and from what I hear people loved it. If you're really into that Discovery Channel kind of stuff this movie was probably right up your alley. Not to mention it was shown in IMAX, possibly even IMAX 3D, which I know is making all you mammal lovers salivate. Needless to say I did not see it, why? Well truthfully, I'm not really that into animals. I mean I love dogs and I can kind of tolerate cats, but almost anything beyond that creeps me out.

Now Disney is releasing a much anticipated second movie, cleverly titled Oceans. This one obviously will document ocean life, a treat for those who are curious about that magical world under the deep blue sea. Again, I will most definitely NOT be seeing this movie, one because I'm not that into animals, and two, and most importantly: because Fish Freak me the Fuck out. (sweet alliteration right?)

It's the truth. Some people are afraid of the dark, some people are fearful of heights, and others are scared of spiders (legitimately so). But my life arch nemesis (pronounced: nemi-SY) are fish. That's right, I am a big fish-a-phobe. I suffer severely from a fear of fish. I am not sure exactly what specifically triggers this, but everything about them give me the heebie jeebies. Ick. Their scales and buggy eyes send shivers down my entire body. And the fact that they are so unnaturally flat, I mean how do all their bodily organs fit inside that sleek physique?! Aquariums are one of my worst nightmares, fish of all colors, shapes, and sizes, separated by only a thin piece of glass, just staring at you, with those damn eyes on the side of their heads...it's making me nervous just thinking about it.

Before you are so quick to judge me, just think about how freaking scary it would be to find yourself face to face with a blue fish, with big scales, long wispy fins...and oh yeah, he's half your size! OH-MY-GOD! He could probably eat you, and I am sure if I was presented with such a situation I would get eaten, because there would be no fight from me, I'd pass out on the spot. I barely made it through the Finding Nemo ride at Disneyland. I'm sure being crammed in a tiny yellow submarine, with 40 of my closest line waiting friends didn't help, but even those fake fish were really effing frightening. I don't get how children stand it. I know I'll never be waiting in that three hour line again. You guys go ahead, I'll sit on a bench and enjoy some frozen lemonade, maybe catch up on the local Mickey Mouse gossip. We can meet up after you're done with that horrific adventure.

Despite my fear, I do brave the ocean and sometimes a lake or two, but you better bet I am doing insane egg beaters under water to keep those fish away from me. The thought of them nibbling on my toes is enough to get out me out of the water for the rest day. Some swimmer I am, right? All I know is there is no way there will be any scuba diving or snorkeling in my near future. Unless I see some sort of a hypnotist, who can cure my completely rational fear. So let's make a deal, I won't dangle spiders in your face, and you won't torture me with a surprise aquarium visit, and we can be friends forever. I know you're all looking for a whack job friend like me!


image found here