Maxi Don't

For some outrageously ridiculous reason I have had the urge to write a lot about fashion recently. Go and figure. Must be the anticipation of having to figure out my life's career soon, cynical fashion critic is a real job right? Hope so, because that is pretty much all I am good at. Well, not to completely belittle myself, I have been known to sew a dress or two, or a whole seven for a line, debuting in two weeks, *cough cough* ya'll should come out to the show. Arpil 22nd: Runway Nouvelle 7:30pm...go buy your tickets! www.brownpapertickets.com

Now that my shameless plugging is out of the way I know you are all excited to hear about my latest rant: Maxi Dresses.

That's right, those long empire waist-ed, flow-y dresses that fall straight to the floor. The ones you probably see women every where wearing, walking around and tripping over their hems. I loathe these... for many reasons, but I'll just briefly go over a few, and then we can address my major concern with a little anecdote. Firstly, I think we should keep floor length gowns for formal occasions, it's weird to see women frolicking around in these flowered frocks during the day. It confuses me. I also think they make even the skinniest girl look pregnant. Maybe it's just me, but that's definitely not something I strive for when getting dressed every morning. I do understand that I am a bit biased, with my extreme infatuation with my legs, of course I would never chose a dress that hid them in yards of shapeless length, but despite that one fault against me, I think it is safe to say that this is a trend not suitable for the masses.

My final and most important reason is that maxi dresses are a HUGE SAFETY HAZARD, and I will tell you why. Before I begin this story, I would like to give a quick shout out to my mother. Sorry Mom, I hope you can forgive me for what I am about to do. I think though, you will understand that this is a situation people need to be aware of, and hopefully by now you can appreciate the humor and necessity in my sharing the story with the eight other people who read my blog. Together we are protecting them from the perils they could possbily face on a daily basis. We are informing them and practically saving their lives.

With that in mind let me talk a little bit about my beloved Mother. She, unlike me, has a great sense of style and knows how to dress herself very well. Despite her also having great legs, she wears a lot of long skirts, but they work for her, and she always looks very classy and put together. While I do not have quite the same issue with long skirts as I do with maxi dresses, (they are MUCH more flattering), they still provide the same safety risks. My parents were out together enjoying a simple evening of dinner and leisurely shopping, when all the sudden my mother's night took a turn for the worst.

As they stepped onto the escalator of a department store to make their descend down to the lower level, my Mom's skirt got caught in the vicious teeth of those moving stairs. As the escalator continued to go down so did my Mom's skirt as the monstorous machine started to devour it. My dad being the hero he is, immediately hit the emergency stop button at the end of the escalator, as my Mom crouched there, stuck, in what was left of her skirt. Had my Father not been so quick thinking who knows what would have happened. So for the next forty minutes or so my Mom stood there, in the middle of the department store, wrapped in a sheet, while my Dad took apart the escalator. That's right, you read correctly, MY DAD took apart the escalator. The store maintenence team was was apparently comprised of a few of the duller tools in the shed. Their ingenious plan was to turn the escalator on backwards, so the skirt would just slip out....right?! Uhhhmmm I don't think so. So unfortunately my Mom had to stand there, embarrassed I'm sure, but hopefully enjoying some of the humor of the situation (as I am really hoping she is now...eeek) Apparently the cherry on top of this sundae of fun was the out of town couple who stood there the entire time, enjoying the "show" while chowing down on their dairy queen cones. Hello, this isn't a zoo!! She can see you! They obviously hailed from a town where tact is not an important life lesson.

In the end the department store gave my Mom a new skirt for free, one because their escalator absolutely destroyed her skirt, but let's be honest, it was more than likely because they were embarassed at the incompetence of their maintenance team. Thank god my Dad is a handy guy, otherwise that could have been a really long and even more dangerous evening. Thanks Mom, for being you, being amazing, and being just as ridiculous as me, so when I have a lame week, I can still laugh at something funny. You're the best, and hopefully you still love me after this. Moral of the story: don't wear maxi dresses. Not only do they most likely make you look fat, they can get caught in escalators and ripped off. And that would suck. If unfortunately you cannot resist...you have been warned....ride escalators at your own risk...