Parental Guidance

Disneyland is easily one of my favorite places in the world. Growing up in LA, I have been fortunate enough to visit the park a lot during my childhood, and at least once a year for the last ten years. Tickets have become so outrageously priced, it makes me sad to think how much money parents spend to give their kids that magical experience. If you like Disneyland, (which there are some crazy people out there who don't) it's one of those places that can be fun no matter what age you are. Yesterday I got to do my first trip of this year, and while it was still every bit as magical as it always is, it also reminded me of some serious issues I have with the general public.

Obviously when you go to Disneyland you expect to deal with a lot of children running around, laughing, and crying. And although I think it's unnecessary for your child to scream bloody murder for 20 straight minutes while you eat lunch, it's not the kid and his set of lungs I have a problem with. It's the parent. I completely understand that there needs to be boundaries set, but sometimes when it comes to a public place, with a thousand of your closest Mickey loving friends,  you might just need to give that kid an extra fucking cookie. Yesterday just pretty much confirmed an idea that my pal Kimi and I have had for quite a while:

People should have to take a test before they are allowed to become parents.

This needs to be a serious test of whether or not these people have the skill set necessary to raise children. We will of course have to address the obvious stuff, like whether or not they are abusive, or horribly addicted to drugs, or in the mafia. But once they get past that first set of evaluations, the real issue will be at hand: Stroller Etiquette.

I get it. You birthed a child. I give you mad props for that, and I am in no way trying to say I know more about raising children than you. I don't. But when I do have a child, (in the far far future) I don't think I'm going to suddenly feel it's okay to ram people down with my stroller. It's not a utilitarian vehicle. It's not even a hummer. You do not have the right to plow through the crowds. You are not getting where you are going any faster. In fact, you continually "flat tiring" my shoes is actually slowing me down, which in turn is slowing you down. While the back of my foot appreciates your subtlety in asking me to get out of your way, if you're so insistent on being a raging stroller driver get a horn or a megaphone. I'd rather be given the opportunity to get out of the way before I am just mowed down.

Contrary to what you may be thinking child leashes are not the answer to this problem. I have never been a fan of "walking" your child like a dog, it seems degrading and barbaric. But most importantly, for anyone who has ever seen a 101 Dalmatians, we all know what kind of sticky situations leashes can get us into. When it's you, me, and your five year old child fighting to get out of the tangled mess, I hardly think I'll come out of the situation with a soulmate like Roger and Pongo did. As a society we should just nix leashing our children, I have faith that we can survive with some love and hand holding.

So next time you're feeling the urge to powerfully thrust your stroller into a crowd of innocent bystanders, save the rage for the underground stroller racing ring. At least there you have the possibility of coming home with some cash. Although I guess if you mug the next person you plow over, you'd also be coming back with some winnings. Thoughts for later. But most importantly, calm down, and exercise patience when pushing your child through crowds. Remember we are all practicing constraint, because if I had it my way, I'd sucker punch the back of your head.

If we are all just aware of each other, then we can enjoy the magic. I mean it is the fucking happiest place on earth.

 To Infinity and Beyond...!