Now if you're a real stickler for some facts to back up this theory of mine, I think the last trip I took to Costco will sufficiently suffice. Last Friday around noon my Dad and I ventured to the great bulk food supplier. When we pulled into the parking lot, my first concern was why there were so many freaking people at Costco on a Friday at noon. Don't people work anymore? Well I am sure you are asking, "Hey Lauren, you weren't at work either..." My response to that, "I doubt all of those people at Costco are blessed with a glorious retail job like myself." I know some of them are just sneaking off on their lunch breaks to cash in on free samples, which leads me to my next issue.
The love people have developed for free samples has become unhealthy and possibly damaging to our society. I was actually concerned for my safety while in the store. Now granted, since my new found (well not so new anymore) glutarded-ness, I can rarely eat the free samples, so possibly that has given me a much clearer mind. Everyone else has freaking tunnel vision. They're minds are on one thing and one thing only: free samples! MUST GET FREE SAMPLES! Those people take that mentality and run, literally run. From this trip alone, I realized that these crazed sample get-ers can be categorized into five different categories; each just as problematic and tantalizing as the rest.
1. The Repeat Offender: I saw you try and sneak a second sample! Move over buddy, some of us are still waiting for firsts. I understand that that spinach ravioli was a burst of flavor to the mouth, but maybe you should stop being such a Jew and just invest in a bag (or in Costco's case, eight bags) and enjoy the delicacy at home. Despite what you think, not making direct eye contact with anyone does not make you invisible. I saw that attempt at a second sample and so did the woman running the station. Get some dignity and just walk away.
2. The Immediate Stopper: Yes, I agree, that roasted turkey was good, but was it really that good that you needed to stop in the middle of the aisle, the space that is actually designated for WALKING or passing other stopped people on the sides, abandon your cart, and rush over to the sample station? Have we learned nothing from Dane Cook? I doubt that the three seconds it would have taken for you to politely push your cart out of the way would have deterred you from receiving that small piece of turkey. A little something for you to think about next time you're willing to risk cart abandonment, just for a fraction of a small snack.
3. The Immediate Stopper and Cart Turner Outer: Just imagine shopper number 2, only this time she turns her cart horizontal in the aisle, so there is no hope of breaking through. I could give you the benefit of the doubt and assume this is some sort of protective tactic to slow other people down and ensure that you receive your free samp, but I won't. Instead I know that you live in a world of oblivion, where other people's lives mean nothing to you. Especially when there is the possibility of a free sample on the horizon. but please don't worry about me, I'll just stand around behind your blockade staring mindlessly at the 12 packs of cereal. I was hoping for a 15 minute period of rest time anyway.
4. The Patient Waiter: They say that patience is a virtue. In this instance though, I think it's more a pathetic attribute to have. Is it really so necessary that you wait fifteen minutes so you can try a eighth of a ham and cheese hot pocket? I can tell you, having had a hot pocket or two in my day, it's not really worth the wait. So creating crowds around the sample tables not only makes it harder for everyone to maneuver around, but it just makes you look sad and desperate. If you plan to sit and wait fifteen minutes for every sample table, you have just extended your quick trip to Costco into a 2 hour debacle. There is a pretty simple elegance to doing Costco sampling right; you hit up all the ready ones first and then double back cart less (for better agility) for the ones that you missed. Then at least you're much more discreet about your desperate need to have every sample in the store.
5. The Cuts You Off Bee-Liner: This in my opinion is the worst of all the offenders. This person has lost every ounce of their integrity and humanity, and is to the point where they will do ANYTHING to get their free sample. They have sold their soul to the sample Gods and go into a complete frenzy when they see the opportunity of something free close by. They use their cart as a weapon to cut you off, slow you down, or just cause you repeated physical pain until you get of their way. Their only duty is to dispose of anything blocking their path to the hair netted woman holding a cube of cheese on a toothpick. They are relentless, and it's best if you discover one early on, to stay out of their way, because they will have no problem mowing you down if you so much as slow them from getting their sample.
Costco can be a jungle of crazy people. If you're not interested in fighting to the death, it's probably a good idea to either go early on, or later in the evening, when the samples are closed. Then you will find other like minded, fearful, and timid shoppers, jumping at the sound of any shopping cart speeding up behind them. I think it has been one too many times that I have had to deal with the cesspool of idiocricy that has developed in this store, and it has definitely decreased my need to go in. I am happy to say that I finally realized the samples just aren't worth it. Plus my ankles can't deal with anymore cart ramming damage.
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