Things I Learned/Thoughts I Had While in the South

navigation tool collection

You should check your GPS software before you embark upon your adventure. Dealing with a GPS that does not recognize Mississippi, Tennessee, Arkansas, and Oklahoma as actual places, can be quite difficult to work with, especially when you are traveling to Mississippi, Tennessee, Arkansas, and Oklahoma, specifically. 

Every street is a “highway.” Every “highway” or “freeway” or “interstate” has at least three names it goes by. Therefore not only is it Highway 66 East, but it is also Highway 142 North and Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd. This makes directions increasingly harder to understand.

While automatic toilet seat covers might sound cool, they don’t work. Therefore I would appreciate you providing a second method for “my protection.”

The one issue I now have with California malls, in fact malls across the U.S who haven’t jumped on this bandwagon, is that they do not have frozen daiquiri bars in the middle of them. 

Even though Johnny and June thought Jackson was the place to “get married in a fever,” there is in fact nothing there. Definitely wasn’t worth the combing of my hair. 

The myth of the “Southern Gentlemen” extends to all wait staff in restaurants. Never have I had such polite and convenient service. Why yes, I would love you to split the check, and if you have a chance, could you call California and get them interested in this phenomenon.

Beale St, Memphis

After about seven "Honey” s come out of your mouth, your cute Southern drawl, tends to wear off and just becomes annoying.

There is NOT an abundance of cowboys walking down the streets in hats…and no shirts…much to my disappointment. 

If you try and smother your bed mate (being kimi) with love (or a pillow) she'll make you suffer the next day. (i.e. force you to take all your pictures solo.)

There seems to be a lack of spinach in the spinach capital of the world. Especially a lack of giant spinach cans. But water on the other hand, now they have huge towers of those.

Popeye Park. Alma,AR

Being single is no way to make friends with any of those Southern gals. They are all married, and your obvious singledom is considered a national threat to their own marriage. 

on the road

One way car rentals are ridiculously expensive. Gas on the other hand is cheap. And even if Archie, at the New Orleans Rental place chooses not to let you know, you should always get a gas receipt. That way, when you return the car, you can prove that you didn’t actually siphon water into your gas tank. FYI to the car rental companies: If I just gave you an obscene amount of money to drive a car 800 miles across the South, I’m not going to cheat you out of another 20 dollars worth of gas. Not to mention, if I even had the talent to siphon water into the car's gas tank, you should give me the rental for free... out of principal.

Oklahoma sucks. Your one redeeming quality were the shirts in your airport, “Nothing tips better than a cow.” But it’s not enough to escape from my shit list. 

the blushing bride and reason for this entire trip.