Parental Guidance

Disneyland is easily one of my favorite places in the world. Growing up in LA, I have been fortunate enough to visit the park a lot during my childhood, and at least once a year for the last ten years. Tickets have become so outrageously priced, it makes me sad to think how much money parents spend to give their kids that magical experience. If you like Disneyland, (which there are some crazy people out there who don't) it's one of those places that can be fun no matter what age you are. Yesterday I got to do my first trip of this year, and while it was still every bit as magical as it always is, it also reminded me of some serious issues I have with the general public.

Obviously when you go to Disneyland you expect to deal with a lot of children running around, laughing, and crying. And although I think it's unnecessary for your child to scream bloody murder for 20 straight minutes while you eat lunch, it's not the kid and his set of lungs I have a problem with. It's the parent. I completely understand that there needs to be boundaries set, but sometimes when it comes to a public place, with a thousand of your closest Mickey loving friends,  you might just need to give that kid an extra fucking cookie. Yesterday just pretty much confirmed an idea that my pal Kimi and I have had for quite a while:

People should have to take a test before they are allowed to become parents.

This needs to be a serious test of whether or not these people have the skill set necessary to raise children. We will of course have to address the obvious stuff, like whether or not they are abusive, or horribly addicted to drugs, or in the mafia. But once they get past that first set of evaluations, the real issue will be at hand: Stroller Etiquette.

I get it. You birthed a child. I give you mad props for that, and I am in no way trying to say I know more about raising children than you. I don't. But when I do have a child, (in the far far future) I don't think I'm going to suddenly feel it's okay to ram people down with my stroller. It's not a utilitarian vehicle. It's not even a hummer. You do not have the right to plow through the crowds. You are not getting where you are going any faster. In fact, you continually "flat tiring" my shoes is actually slowing me down, which in turn is slowing you down. While the back of my foot appreciates your subtlety in asking me to get out of your way, if you're so insistent on being a raging stroller driver get a horn or a megaphone. I'd rather be given the opportunity to get out of the way before I am just mowed down.

Contrary to what you may be thinking child leashes are not the answer to this problem. I have never been a fan of "walking" your child like a dog, it seems degrading and barbaric. But most importantly, for anyone who has ever seen a 101 Dalmatians, we all know what kind of sticky situations leashes can get us into. When it's you, me, and your five year old child fighting to get out of the tangled mess, I hardly think I'll come out of the situation with a soulmate like Roger and Pongo did. As a society we should just nix leashing our children, I have faith that we can survive with some love and hand holding.

So next time you're feeling the urge to powerfully thrust your stroller into a crowd of innocent bystanders, save the rage for the underground stroller racing ring. At least there you have the possibility of coming home with some cash. Although I guess if you mug the next person you plow over, you'd also be coming back with some winnings. Thoughts for later. But most importantly, calm down, and exercise patience when pushing your child through crowds. Remember we are all practicing constraint, because if I had it my way, I'd sucker punch the back of your head.

If we are all just aware of each other, then we can enjoy the magic. I mean it is the fucking happiest place on earth.

 To Infinity and Beyond...!

fish-a-phobic

Last year Disney released a movie called Earth, documenting the lives of three animal families; Elephants, Humpback Whales, and Polar bears. It was a pretty big hit, and from what I hear people loved it. If you're really into that Discovery Channel kind of stuff this movie was probably right up your alley. Not to mention it was shown in IMAX, possibly even IMAX 3D, which I know is making all you mammal lovers salivate. Needless to say I did not see it, why? Well truthfully, I'm not really that into animals. I mean I love dogs and I can kind of tolerate cats, but almost anything beyond that creeps me out.

Now Disney is releasing a much anticipated second movie, cleverly titled Oceans. This one obviously will document ocean life, a treat for those who are curious about that magical world under the deep blue sea. Again, I will most definitely NOT be seeing this movie, one because I'm not that into animals, and two, and most importantly: because Fish Freak me the Fuck out. (sweet alliteration right?)

It's the truth. Some people are afraid of the dark, some people are fearful of heights, and others are scared of spiders (legitimately so). But my life arch nemesis (pronounced: nemi-SY) are fish. That's right, I am a big fish-a-phobe. I suffer severely from a fear of fish. I am not sure exactly what specifically triggers this, but everything about them give me the heebie jeebies. Ick. Their scales and buggy eyes send shivers down my entire body. And the fact that they are so unnaturally flat, I mean how do all their bodily organs fit inside that sleek physique?! Aquariums are one of my worst nightmares, fish of all colors, shapes, and sizes, separated by only a thin piece of glass, just staring at you, with those damn eyes on the side of their heads...it's making me nervous just thinking about it.

Before you are so quick to judge me, just think about how freaking scary it would be to find yourself face to face with a blue fish, with big scales, long wispy fins...and oh yeah, he's half your size! OH-MY-GOD! He could probably eat you, and I am sure if I was presented with such a situation I would get eaten, because there would be no fight from me, I'd pass out on the spot. I barely made it through the Finding Nemo ride at Disneyland. I'm sure being crammed in a tiny yellow submarine, with 40 of my closest line waiting friends didn't help, but even those fake fish were really effing frightening. I don't get how children stand it. I know I'll never be waiting in that three hour line again. You guys go ahead, I'll sit on a bench and enjoy some frozen lemonade, maybe catch up on the local Mickey Mouse gossip. We can meet up after you're done with that horrific adventure.

Despite my fear, I do brave the ocean and sometimes a lake or two, but you better bet I am doing insane egg beaters under water to keep those fish away from me. The thought of them nibbling on my toes is enough to get out me out of the water for the rest day. Some swimmer I am, right? All I know is there is no way there will be any scuba diving or snorkeling in my near future. Unless I see some sort of a hypnotist, who can cure my completely rational fear. So let's make a deal, I won't dangle spiders in your face, and you won't torture me with a surprise aquarium visit, and we can be friends forever. I know you're all looking for a whack job friend like me!


image found here