so much for feeling skinny...

Today I broke my bed. I literally sat down and the entire front half of my bed collapsed. Okay, okay, maybe there was a little bit of pep in my "sit down", but it's not like I haven't ever done that before. I always like to add some pep into everything I do. This isn't the first time I have jumped into my cozy bed, but I'm guessing it will probably be my last. You know, because now my bed is halfway on the floor...

So if you're looking for something to smile at this evening, think of me, hopping into bed, crashing down, and then rolling right off that downward slope on to the floor. Serves me right for feeling skinny this morning. Guess I need to cut back on those carbs or maybe I need to invest in a bed that isn't put together with a baby sized allen wrench...

Stupid Retail Question of the Day

"Do I have to wait in that line to return this stuff?!"

yeah! yeah you do. you might have missed the memo, but today is the biggest shopping return day of the year. of course the lines are going to be long. and of course everyone will be returning things. so it gets complicated and lengthy. did you think you were just going to walk into the store, mid day on the Saturday after Christmas, prance right over the register and get everything taken care of in under 5 minutes?! at the time it would have been inappropriate to say to your face, but you're delusional! hellooooooooo! when are returns ever easy? let alone on such a crazy day. if impatience is your best trait, possibly that return wasn't absolutely detrimental next time maybe use your brain to think about things first. then i won't have to pollute my mind with your stupid questions.

Good Thing I Loosened that Lid For You

i have a major problem opening things. it seriously seems like everything is "Lauren Proof," which is even worse than child proof. my issue is so bad, that it is actually a step below childproof, but only to me, most likely a child would not have my kind of problems.

when i say opening things, i mean everything: doors, spaghetti sauce jars, a bag of gummy bears from disneyland, chips, the wrapper on my sandwich...it never ends. and my friends and family LOVE to make fun of me. i'm pretty sure if it's a dull day, they'll purposely throw things my way to open. they all know i'll be a big failure, but it's some comical relief to watch me struggle. there is nothing more enthralling than watching Lauren apply all her strength only to fail, and then watch someone else effortlessly peel apart that ziploc baggie. i know what you're thinking, with entertainment like that, i lead a top notch EXCITING life.

anyway to keep with that holiday spirit, here is my most recent opening dilemma. so i went out and bought advent calendars. the cheap kind with the plastic and cardboard tasting chocolate, that you had as kids. they have a sentimental value to me, and i thought it would be great to have one this year. i'm almost positive that they are intended for young children, so you wouldn't think that a fully functional twenty two year old could have issues, but hey, it's me, and that is just my life.

so one night i come home excited to enjoy my delicious chocolate, when i open the box and to my disappointment discover that the chocolate is not laying in it's beautiful plastic mold. so i try to peel up the cardboard covering to figure out where the chocolate has taken refuge. in the midst of my problem solving i had a sheer moment of stupidity...a rarity for me of course. i was trying to tilt the box so the light would shine where i needed to see, and i tilted it way too far, and ALL the chocolates fell out of their places and slid everywhere! this wouldn't be too much of a catastrophe if it was the 22nd and there were only two chocolates left, but of course i did this on the 4th ish, and there was plenty of chocolate to move around. so now instead of a flat little box with doors, i know had a lumpy mountainous looking thing, with every chocolate out of place.

in this type of situation panic is the appropriate action. so that's what i did. i frantically tried to push any chocolate back into a door (all without opening doors that hadn't previously been opened....because that is breaking the advent calendar rules!) after about ten minutes of futzing i just gave up and let the chocolates settle where the "earthquake" had left them. for all the other days i had to open the door and then fish a chocolate out from somewhere to enjoy for that glorious December day.

immediately i concluded that this must be a common issue people deal with, and in confronting my three other friends with advent calendars, i discovered that this is NOT in fact a problem that anyone other than myself has. obviously my inablility to open things will continue to plague my future endeavors....maybe that's a real medical issue i can have diagnosed....

Ho Ho Ho

Merry Christmas to All! And to All a Good Night!


i hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday, and that Santa doesn't forget the essentials: i've really been holding out for that deodorant, toothbrush, and hairspray that might show up in my stocking!!

WARNING!

Having a vast 5 months of retail experience, I pretty much consider myself very knowledgeable on the subject. At first I couldn't understand how stores could get so messy and how consumers could turn into vicious animals at the glance of a "sale" sign. But then I discovered the worst predator of all, the one that makes the hair on your arms stick up, the one that makes your eyes bug out at sight, the one that has you fleeing to your mother...

The dreaded One Handed Shopper!

Now let's clear a couple things up: I'm not talking about someone who physically only has one hand, I am not trying to be politically incorrect in talking about the disabled. I, on the other hand (no pun intended, or maybe pun was intended) am speaking of consumers who shop with only half focus, because their other hand is preoccupied with a cell phone conversation, or holding their child's leash, or carrying the fifteen other shopping bags they have. These are people who destroy stores, who turn your neatly folded shirts into unrecognizable piles.

Retailers beware!!

These one handed monstrosities are the most dreadful creatures. They walk around stores like they own the place, too high and mighty to even bother cleaning up after their storm. So to all those one handed shoppers, here is what I have to say to you:

REALLY?!

get your priorities in order! either you want to shop, or you want to talk on the phone. multitasking saves time, i get it, but honestly you're barely focused on either of the tasks your doing, and you are doing poorly in both of them. and what is it about walking around a store while on the phone that entices you to touch EVERYTING? are you talking to the devil? is he saying "now touch the polos, okay good, now touch the tank tops, small, medium AND large" if you're not gonna buy it, which i can tell you, you aren't, just be the bigger person and walk past it. enjoy it with your eyes. they deserve a treat every once in a while.

if you're child needs to be on a leash, then he should not be shopping with you. or maybe out in public for that matter. next time, try going to a baby store, that way you can shop for a stroller, and then take your child out with some dignity. leashes are for dogs, not children. side note: that ten foot retractable leash you have your child attached to ties up one of your hands, but none of your child's. so while you're wreaking one handed havoc over my store, you're kid is following by example...in the section across the way.

if you have fifteen shopping bags; go home! you have enough stuff. you have lost all aerodynamics, and with those bags you can kiss your agility goodbye. there is nothing like trying to weasel through a crowd when you have added 2 feet of width to your either side. while i do respect the talent and true athleticism it takes to balance all those bags, while still being able to browse other stores, i do not respect the fact that you just picked off each folded shirt one by one and created a mush pot in the middle of the table.

so next time you're out and about shopping, remember, USE BOTH HANDS! you might even be surprised in how much more efficient it can be...

To my Loyal Readers,

It has been an unacceptably long period of time since my last blog. and for that i apologize profusely. i have had some major computer technical issues, that have for the moment finally been sorted out. but don't worry, even though i was without a computer for a while, i still have managed to lead the ridiculous life that hopefully humors you all. so even though i might not deserve it, please stay tuned, i'll try my very best to keep you entertained.

Love Always,
Lauren

DECEMBER! Part Deux

i know you are all writing in suspense as to what happened Christmas 06. well to recap, lets start with MOE. MOE is something my sister and i created to have Maximum Opening Efficiency Christmas morning. Basically it boiled down to my sister and I "slyly" organizing the gifts by name so we could get to them and get them opened with the least amount of time wasted. although this idea was ingenious, turns out, we weren't as slick about it as we thought. my parents caught on pretty quickly and it wasn't long before MOE saw a huge defeat with Christmas 06.

(on a side note, because I feel it really adds essence to the story, remember that I am most definitely already in college during both of these Christmases. obviously it would take SOME college education to come up with MOE, that's not something just any Joe Schmoe can think up).

this Christmas started out like any other. excitement, joy, anticipation. my sister and i were really ready to take MOE to the next level, we were going to have the most efficient ripping through gifts in the history of ripping through gifts. at seven am, we were up and ready to look through our stockings and set out to the living room to asses the tree. after a few moments of enjoying our new toothbrushes, deodorant, lifesaver storybooks, and chap-stick (all dub family stocking favorites) we bounced with excitement to the living room. of course we both paused to take in that first magical look of the different colorful boxes laying under the tree. (seriously, no matter your age, it never gets old.) then it was time to get down to business. as we crept up to the tree to do our first in depth look, we both noticed the boxes and turned to each other perplexed...

"WHAT THE EFFFFF???"

and there, on every present, instead of a neatly written name tag, signed cleverly from Santa, all we saw were black sharpie written NUMBERS!

"HOW DO WE KNOW WHICH GIFTS ARE OURS?!"

and at that exact moment we had to surrender and bow down to our parents. i almost wish there had been a hidden camera in the tree because i am sure the looks on our faces were priceless. well played mom and dad! well played!

well there went the activity we had planned to kill time before everyone else got up. so we reluctantly headed back to our stockings and sat and watched TV to pass the half hour. finally my brothers arrived and my parents got up, and they knew we had been defeated. we took our Christmas hugs while receiving the smug look of victory on my parents faces...and we just had to hang our heads in shame. but hey...at least it was present time riiiiight?!

wrong. always wrong.

it was trivia time. Christmas trivia time. want a gift? gotta answer a trivia question correctly and then my dad would give you the number of the present you were to open. i cannot make this stuff up.

"What character says the phrase Bah Humbug!"

"Ebenezer Scrooge from A Christmas Carol!!"

"Correct Lauren!, you can go pick up number 12!"

i kid you not, this is how the rest of the morning proceeded. And let me tell you, my brothers and sister and I do NOT know that much about Christmas. the one thing i do have to say is: good thing my parents waited until we were older to pull this fast one, because at least i appreciate the shrewd cleverness of the entire event.

lesson learned: my sister and i need to be a little more cunning and elusive when it comes to our crazy Christmas antics. and also, maybe, we shouldn't try and put one over on mom and dad. maybe...

DECEMBER!

It's December!!

You know what that means?! The holiday season is upon us! I LOVE LOVE LOVE the holidays. Despite being a half Jew, my favorite holiday hands down is Christmas. I just love the magic. Even though I am twenty two years old, I absolutely love going to bed with an empty Christmas tree and waking up with it filled with colorfully wrapped presents. Luckily I have pretty flippin awesome parents, who still feed into the whole magical presents appearing in the middle of the night thing, despite the fact that all four of their children are adults. (at least age wise).

Every year at Christmas my sister and I would wake up really early and go get our stockings and rifle through all the goodies in there. Then we would manage to pass some time either going back to sleep or watching some Christmas movies. We weren't allowed to wake our parents up until 8 to do presents, so considering we were ravaging our stockings at 3 am, there was some definite time to kill. This is where we created MOE.

MOE stands for Maximum Opening Efficiency, something we felt was absolutely crucial to Christmas morning. We would go out at like seven ish, look over all the gifts and then slyly try to organize them by name, that way we didn't have to search all over for our gifts, and risk missing or losing one. Obviously we were not very slick in this endeavor because my parents immediately realized and it has been their mission to destroy MOE for the last few years.

The Christmas after my sister and I got caught MOE-ing our gifts, we were definitely in for a rude awakening. Who knew my parents had such a vivid memory, and I'll tell you I did not see this one coming. Our entire morning was going according to plan, we got up, went out to get our stockings in the dining room, and when we bounced over to take a quick glance into the living room, we were accosted by this:

My parents had wrapped the entire open wall that leads into the living room with wrapping paper. I think this was one of the few times my jaw actually dropped. And I can't even be mad, all I have to say is touche mom and dad touche! we had to patiently wait until everyone else woke up and arrived before we watched my brother walk right through the paper into the glorious magic that is christmas morning. But if you think that was witty, the next year put this one to shame...

stay tuned for Christmas 06, it was a doozy.

Black Friday

i have always been intrigued by black Friday. i mean people go NUTS so there really must be some great deals out there. i personally have never gone shopping on that lovely day after thanksgiving, most years i spend it in a food coma, from overeating the night before, but i do know that the people who do get up for those CRAZY deals are hardcore. this year i was blessed enough to spend black Friday working...in retail, and that was experience enough for me. for those of you who are interested in partaking in the black Friday madness, here are some words of wisdom i have compiled from my experience a few days ago:

first off, let me start by defining black Friday, that way you are fully aware of what you are getting yourself into. BLACK FRIDAY IS THE BIGGEST SHOPPING DAY OF THE YEAR!! retailers slash prices like crazy!! items become half off, sometimes more. expensive things are not nearly as expensive anymore, sometimes they are free. customers camp out, and stampede, and push and shove, people HAVE DIED. that nice old lady you helped cross the street just took her cane to your head, because you invaded her space in her attempt to get a tickle me Elmo. trust no one! this day is not for the faint hearted. it is utter madness!! MADNESS!!

now that we have cleared that up, here are my tips:

1. If you have forgotten the date, and you are just casually spending your Friday off looking for a few items to spruce up your wardrobe, go home now. for your own safety this is not the place for perusing. a couple items are in no way worth the hour and a half you might spend in line.

2. While it is important to teach your children to be frugal, bringing your 3 year old shopping at 3 am is unnecessary. He is not crying in excitement over the AMAZING deals, he is wailing out of lack of sleep...because he is THREE! no one sympathizes that you can't get him to shut up, we all now have migraines.

3. Lines will be long. Except it. Embrace it. Do not throw your items at a sales customer while yelling at her about the ridiculous wait. I'm sorry, the store is not actually built to accommodate 400 customers at once. And unfortunately, the 50 other magical extra registers we have are all broken...tough break.

4. Despite whatever turmoil exists in the store, throwing things on the floor is still NOT OKAY. just an FYI. don't be such a disgrace to your mother, effing pick it up and put it on top of the disastrous pile already on the table.

5. Complaining is unnecessary. are you blind? do you think the reason things are running slow, and not smoothly are because there are about 400 other people in the store? i mean that might have a little something to do with it...

6. A customer free hallway of go backs is NOT your own personal store. There is a reason there is one employee in there, frantically trying to put it back on hangers...so we can get it back in the store. then you can shop it. and when asked to please leave that hallway, please do so with a little less huffing and eye rolling.

7. Similarly, an employee pushing a cart of folded shirts, is not your signal to attack and ravage.

8. Lastly, despite that fact that the little Jew inside of you is telling you to SAVE SAVE SAVE! remember you are not an animal, and that five dollar shirt is just not worth the loss of your dignity.

hopefully your sponge of a mind has really soaked in these tips, and next black Friday we can all grab our deals with elegance and grace!

walking on sunshine

i walk incredibly fast.

i think this stems from the fact that i absolutely hate to be late, so i am always in a rush to make sure i am on time. the funny thing is, my irrational fear of being late, combined with my overcompensation in walking, makes me absurdly early ALL the time. so much so that i almost consider it a flaw. i am always having to find ways to kill ten of fifteen minutes, because showing up to work a half hour early is just unacceptable.

anyway i think my power walking is starting to cause me some more health issues. it's possible that my knees and hips are starting to go, which isn't really surprising, since this hot body of mine functions like an 80 year old. for those of you confused, i have all sorts of health problems, knees and hips would just be cherries on top of the delicious sundae that is my life.

the main issue i'm always in limbo about is my back. i've been to so many doctors, and tried so many things, but i guess it's something i'll just continue to live with. this one time i did physical therapy, but physical therapy at the school health center. which really amounts to a doctor, and a grad student helping me out. i am all for the learning experience, obviously someone needs to practice somewhere, but eventually i couldn't handle it anymore. they would talk about me as if i wasn't in the room. it was like a pop quiz every day, and i didn't know any of the answers, and it seems the grad student didn't either.

Doc: "so she has shooting pains down her legs, and dull pain in her back, and every once in a while she throws it out, so she must have...."

Grad Student: "ummmm sciatica...??

Doc: "okay and....?

alright people, i can't take the build up anymore. just give it to me straight! i don't have time to learn the lesson here, i need to know whats wrong with me!

the killer point was when i went in for my consultation, after they looked at my MRI they had me walk barefoot laps around the health center so they could asses my ability to walk. as if power walking laps in hospital gown shorts wasn't embarrassing enough (i mean i DO go to this school, and so do ALOT of people i know) they proceeded to have this shocked discussion. i kid you not they stood there with puzzled expressions, brushing their chins in thought...

Grad Student:"hmmmm interesting"

Doc: "yes very intriguing..."

then they would turn to me,

Doc: "do you ever have trouble walking?"

Me: "umm not really, i actually walk quite fast?"

Doc: "huh, and you never fall because your legs collapse underneath you?"

Me: "what!? no....should they?"

Doc: "oh no no reason, (turns to grad student) this is very interesting indeed!"

and after three or four sessions i still never figured out what my problem is. maybe i should really stop power walking, since apparently my body shouldn't be able to handle it. but hey, if i stopped walking so fast, i would really cut off a large source of things people can make fun of me for. and who doesn't want to watch the dumb power walking girls legs collapse as she falls on her face. seriously the things i do to entertain you all!! i'm a saint.

on a side note: happy turkey day!

an anonymous letter to a member of the general public

dear man sitting next to me on the muni, this evening,

was it absolutely necessary for you to sit with your legs spread completely open as far as possible. is it uncomfortable for you to move them just a little closer together? i know, from personal experience, that it would not have been comfy to have them clamped together, but i think you could have spared me a couple inches. also, did you have to have your elbow jammed into my side the entire ride? were you in a horrible accident where you lost all nerve feeling in your arm? is that why you didn't notice you were poking me for such a long time. maybe you mistook my cushy tummy for soft air. yeah, i hear people encounter soft pillow-y air all the time, so maybe that is understandable.

i'm also thinking that maybe your tie was so tight that you missed the fact that i was uncomfortably smashed against the wall. i have pretty broad shoulders, many a time i have been mistaken for someone athletic, but sitting with my shoulders twisted forward the entire ride, is usually not a normal position. and just another FYI, people don't usually sit with their arms stretched straight out in front of them. thanks to your territorial man complex my body aches from trying to occupy such a small space for such a long time.

and lastly, when everyone got out of the train and the two seats next to you emptied, thanks for not moving over. i was really enjoying the enchanting claustrophobia, so i really would not have been interested in having more space.

Love,
the beautiful girl sitting next to you on muni, this evening.

smart, until proven dumb.

i like to think of myself as somewhat of an optimist. i mean i have a pretty positive outlook on life, for the most part, and i am capable of seeing the cup half full side of most situations. with that in mind i have developed another extremely astute life theory.

as we know, about half the population is stupid. (see how i just put a positive spin on that! i mean with half i think i am being pretty generous.) anyway, it seems like most of the people you encounter through life are just not as quick on the up go, and as aware of life around them. but despite my cynical and sarcastic personality, i like to give those people the benefit of the doubt. and with that comes my theory:

Smart, Until Proven Dumb.

I like to give everyone I meet a blank slate. I don't like to have preconceived notions, and I just assume that they have made it through life thus far, they must have capable minds. It gives them the opportunity to reach to their full potential, without feeling pressured and judged. So until that absolutely ridiculous comment comes out of their mouth, I assume everyone is as smart as me. Unfortunately for some, those comments come out quicker than in others. We are talking anything from the time they open their mouth to speak the first words to you, to the moment they walk towards you with a glazed over dumbfounded look in their eyes. And in that instant, they plummet down to the bottom of the stupid list.

Some people though, are much better at concealing their stupidity than others. I can tell you that I have been shocked many a time by someone who had been parading around as a smart person for months, maybe years, to only ruin it in one quick moment. Be warned, once you make that ridiculously dumb statement, you skyrocket to the bottom, and there you stay. since i give everyone smart status to begin with, i feel it's only fair to say one strike and YOUUUUUU ARE OUUUUUUUUUT.

basically bottom line: if you're dumb, just keep it to yourself, and no one will ever know.

Merry Chrisma-Hanukkah!!

i had intentions of writing something witty and hilarious, but i just can't get into a dry sarcastic mode right now. i'm too excited about the holiday season.

every year my parents ask my siblings and i to compose a list of things we want for Chrisma-Hanukkah. (hopefully this hasn't changed this year, i never actually checked, but i figured i would get an early start). i have known what i have wanted for a while now, and i am stoked. it's going to be a very short and simple list. i realize that i am well over the age that should get tons of presents for the holidays, so i am not going to push my luck. plus it's no fun when you dictate everything you get, it defeats the rush you feel Christmas morning, or that little excitement after you have finished lighting the Hanukkah candles.

i would consider myself a semi fun person, which is a trait i like to infuse into as many things as i can. so instead of just typing out a list, i am making a power point presentation. oh yeah, it's gonna be good. and i am really excited about it. i have done this once before, but i am really stepping my game up this year. i just feel like, if my parents are going to go through all the trouble to buy me things for the holidays, why not spunk up my suggestions, and making it more enjoyable for them.

hopefully my excitement will die down, and i can shrink back down to my sarcastic snarky self, and write something witty tomorrow. until then, i hope you all are having a great November so far! and a lovely evening.

weird, but in a good way.

after taking one linguistics class, i have decided that everything you learn about language as a kid is a crock of shit. linguistics, which is pretty much the study of language, it is all about words, and the manner in which people use them, the different dialects they have, how words have died out in existence, and how over time people have changed the meanings and tenses etc. basically linguistics doesn't judge. what i mean by that is there is no right or wrong way to speak English. everyone who uses words based in the English language speaks English, whether they use slang, like valley girl lingo, or have a thick southern accent.

i know, i know, stop with the English lesson Lauren. but hey, i had to take this class two times, so i'm gonna spread the half assed knowledge i picked up. anyway this class got me thinking about how it's absolutely okay that my generation makes up completely new words, assigns different meanings to words, and obnoxiously shortens them. hey, it's a fast paced world now, i just can't be bothered to actually say "jealous," right about now you're prob so "jeal" that you're face is green with envy. to an outside listener, i am positive a conversation with my friends sounds completely nuts, but really they should realize and appreciate that we are making linguistic history.

the only problem with being such a linguistic pioneer is that, the words and phrases we use are not by any means universal, so it leads to a lot of misunderstandings. and such is my entire life. i mean i suffer from a misunderstood sense of humor, why not throw in a misunderstood lingo as well. one day, some gorgeous guy will appreciate me for it,and i will marry him, but until then i'll be patient.

somewhere in the midst of beginning college, i decided it didn't matter what other people thought, and that being my weird self was actually a good thing. this is where i most often confuse people. weird has been notoriously known as a word with a negative connotation, it's what i was called by the "popular girls" when i dressed up as a chipette for halloween senior year in highschool. (what? yeah one of the best costumes ever, jeal?) little did they know they were actually to paying me a compliment. who wouldn't want to be weird? why be normal and boring. laaaaaaaaame.

so to clarify, i like to say, "hey i'm Lauren, and i'm weird, in a good way." and it's the truth. there is no other way to describe it, i'm freaking weird. ask anyone, they won't hesitate to second that answer. who else would post an entire blog about it? and i love it. i embrace it. so if you are also weird, with a positive connotation, you too should be proud, because that means you are awesome. if on the other hand, you read this entire post, and you don't get it, then your probably pretty lame. sometimes the truth hurts.

my apologies

to the five people that sort of kind of regularly read my blog,

i've been a bad blogger the past few weeks. October just clearly was not my month. and for that i am really sorry. midterms, projects, and work have been sucking all the time out of my life. but i think i have a grasp on things now. so my goal is to get blogging a lot more in November. i'll even make special trips to the annex if that is what it is going to take. the holiday season is upon us...we all know what that means...plenty of material to make fun of. between my crazy life, and well my crazy life, i'm sure i'll be able to crack a smile or two out of you guys. noooooo pressure. i hope you will all forgive me.

have a fabulous evening.

LOVE
Lauren

oh dad loves those dioramas.

every once in a while someone will call me an overachiever. my response to that is, WOAH there, let's not get carried away with big words quite yet. no need to make assumptions and label them as fact. let's set the record straight, i am not an overachiever, i am just a simple gal with a high level of common sense. i'm smarter than the average bear and therefore i have been able to ride the success train to mediocrity fairly smoothly. alright, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration, but let it be known that i consider my laziness one of my most beloved traits, and i am out there to destroy any vicious rumors that are trying to discredit that fact.

i have a feeling the root of this rumor stems in my childhood, more specifically i am going to pin point it to that very first diorama project in elementary school, and then every similar project there after. and for those i have my father to thank.

my dad is actually a pretty cool guy. hopefully he'll read this, and then i'll be off the hook for the one time my friend said, "hey your dad's really smart" to which i replied without hesitation "not really." it's rare for someone to admit, and i maybe i'll regret it greatly later, but my dad actually does seem to know everything. seriously, it's creepy, in a good way, because at the same time it is extremely helpful. despite the fact that he lives in LA and i in SF i count on him to solve my endless problems, probably not the best dependency to have, but hey, at least it's not drugs. anyway my dad LOVES to build things. i can remember the twinkle in his eye when there was a new diorama project on the horizon. missing the connection? well i'll give it to you plain and simple:

remember back when that kid brought in their giant, perfectly to scale, foam carved, faux grass and moss covered, complete with miniature trees, animal habitat, and set it down next to your shoe box and play dough disaster? well that was me. the girl that made your diorama come to life and scurry away in it's own embarrassment.

my dad lived for dioramas. he was always so much more excited to them than i was. this was serious business. never once did i turn in a project in a shoe box, that was too simple. no we had to construct our own box shape from a larger scrap of cardboard. i can remember many a trip to the hobby train stores to pick up some moss and trees, shredded tissue paper just wasn't going to cut it, and i honestly had no idea that industrial spray glue was not something everyone just had lying around in their garage. despite the fact that my dioramas always looked far superior to anyone else's, as a kid i was always embarrassed to turn them in. i hated all the attention and envy i got from all the kids. i remember begging my dad to just do one project in a shoe box....please please can we make this one look crappy? oh kids just do the darndest things!

in fifth grade, we had to do some sort of diorama project on animals, and mine was a panda. well my dad got this great idea that we build the habitat in a box that closes completely, and then we poke a small hole in it. this way we can put in some panda pictures, and when everyone squints through the hole, it will look like they are three dimensional. i have the admit the finished project was pretty effing cool. i took it to school, and i am pretty sure my teacher had no idea what to do about it. i mean i got at A, it was awesome, and she understood that as well. but she put everyone elses on display and made a point to hand mine back and take it home. looking back it makes sense, because from the outside it just looked like a green box, but of course being as sensitive as i was i took it completely personally. the politically correct thing the teacher should have done was just kept mine up there, and i wouldn't have known the difference. but my fifth grade teacher was not very politically correct, among other things.

it was projects like this panda diorama, and my ninth grade three dimensional leafy sea dragon, that i am sure people have seen and assumed over achieving must be my thing. so let's straighten this out, moral of the story is, apparently my dad loves making dioramas. and what kind of a daughter would i be, to deny him that joy? so really, i'm not an overachiever, i am just a great person.

wow it seems i even learned something from this post.

lis-sssss-ping lauren

i am an avid retainer wearer. in fact i have been known to inspire people all over the world to wear their retainers. it has been like seven years since i have had my braces off, but i still like clockwork wear my retainer to bed every night. (well at least my bottom one, because that's the only one i have. long story). call me crazy but i swear my teeth move if i miss a night. despite the years of practice i still have a hint of a speech impediment while wearing it. i like to call it a hint, but i am pretty sure it's fairly obvious. not only does it sound like i have something in my mouth, but i also cannot properly say my s's. instead they come out with a hiss in front of them. so basically every time i say a word with a S, i end up sounding like a five year old doing a snake sound impression.

recently my teeth have been bugging me a bit, so i'm trying to wear as much as i feel socially acceptable. i am sure it's completely all in my head, but it makes me feel better anyway. so this morning i decided to wear it to work, because i was just going to be talking to children, it won't matter, right?

WRONG!

somehow in the heat of the decisive moment i overlooked the fact that i teach sssSwim le-ssSSss-on-ssS. and surprisingly enough, i never noticed it before, the letter S is frequently prevalent in words used to teach swimming. i'll just give you a quick rundown.

Me (calling the next kid into the water) ssssS-u-sssS-an!

Me: Hi, I'm Lauren, come on in. Okay, hold your goggle-ssssS to your eyeball-sssS

Me: How are you? oh goood, How old are you?

Me: Oh, sssssS-even (of course) that would put you in ssssS-econd grade? (yep, this is my life.)

Me: alright well let-ssssS ssssS-tart with ssssS-ome free-ssssS-tyle. 2 lap-ssssS

Me: make sssS-ure you start with a sssssS-treamlime. and keep your head to your ssssS-houlder.

Me: ready sssssS-et GO!

Me: awe-sssS-ome job. let-ssssS do a few lap-ssssS of brea-sssS-t sssS-troke now.

I think you can get the picture. I will have you know that this didn't end. I proceeded to hiss my S's for an entire four hours, while all my coworkers looked at me like i was crazy. i sympathize for those with lisps, because there is really no escaping the letter S. couldn't X be the letter lispers have trouble with. it would be a lot less cruel.

well i hope you enjoyed a piece of my embarassssssing life. have a sssssS-pectacular day!

i uh like clothes

i am an apparel design major. or for those of you who don't feel like getting technical i pretty much major in fashion. but fashion design, not merchandising like Lauren Conrad of the hills. i actually draw, and make patterns, and drape and sew. not to bash my fellow apparel majors, but sometimes it seems that any jack and jane who wear clothes feel like they should be able to major in fashion. and that frustrates me. i have wanted to do this ever since i was a little kid. i took sewing lessons in middle school, i have made countless halloween costumes, i made my parents by me fashion drawing books, and i even kept a very sad little portfolio in my awesome fivestar canvas covered three ring binder. sewing and creating has been a passion of mine for a long time, and i'm happy that i am finally pursuing it as a some what grown up. other than the fact that i know i enjoy my major, i know nothing else. i have no idea what i want to do, where i want to go, and how i plan to get there.

i respect a lot of the people who share my major, and it's awesome to be around so many people who think creatively and are so talented. but sometimes us fashion majors just crack me up, and here is a little anecdote that hopefully will bring a smile to your faces as well.

so this semester i am taking a textiles lab. it's a legit one unit lab class, with counters, white coats, gloves, goggles, and crazy contraptions. but don't be fooled, this is totally a fashion class and here is why. the other day we were doing burn tests on different fibers, man made and manufactured, to see what happens when they come in contact with flame. this is very important because linen for example goes up in flames very rapidly, and therefore if you spend a lot of time near fires, linen probably is not the fabric for you. the teacher asked us to please put on protective goggles as a safety precaution. she passed them out, and i, being the person i am put them on no questions asked. i heard some grumbling from people around me, and some girls asked if they could just wear their sunglasses. i was too preoccupied with watching my swatches engulf in flames that i tuned it all out. about fifteen minutes later i look up to see almost half the class sitting their burning their swatches in their over sized dior and chanel sunglasses. and right then i had to sit back, enjoy the moment, and accept the fact that we officially are the laughing stock of all lab classes.

take it from those fashion students, you can learn while still being trendy too!

she could be a sailor....with that mouth

i love to curse. i really do. i don't know if it stems from some psychological thrill to do something i was forbidden to do as a child, but there is really something so satisfying about the way "fuck" just rolls out of your mouth.

i also think that sometimes it's absolutely necessary. there just isn't another word in the english vocabulary that carries that weighty meaning. when you slam your knee into the table, and there is no way that "ow" will suffice in explaining just how much that hurt, "fuck" would be the appropriate exclamation there. or when you meet someone and they are dumb. like beyond dumb, why dance around with wimpy words like "really" or "very," when we could just jump straight to the point and say "they were fucking dumb."

i have also heard every once in a while that a lady should not use such horrible words. one time i had a woman tell me and a group of my friends that we made her ashamed to be a woman. what i say to that is first off, times are a changing. i think it's finally a time where we are beginning to accept people for who they are, and therefore i don't think i should have to conform, just because i'm female. second, i am not now, nor will i ever be a classy lady. it was a nice dream once, when i was a child, but it's a harsh harsh world, and pumps, white gloves, and pearls just isn't ever going to work for me. i'm too into being tacky with bright colors, chipped nail polish, and "tousled" waves. it's a tough break, but i think i'll settle for this kitsch life. as long as i still get to keep "fuck" as part of my vocabulary.

of course there will still be people in the world who don't approve of my love of such provocative words, but here is a little tid bit i read today and found very interesting. according to cosmo magazine, people who curse more, have less aggression and anger in their lives. apparently fighting that urge to shout the f word, allows said aggression to build up in your system. well that's all the persuasion i need. since this is practically a doctor written perscription, i won't be able to resist, saying "fuck" every once in a while is actually good for my health. and or course i want to be healthy.

i do however believe there is a time and a place for using such language. for example i am very good about turning it off around children, and other such inappropriate situations. but for those of you out there on the fence about it, just say "fuck it' and let the satisfaction flow threw your body. beware though, it's a thrill you might not be able to give up.

this stuff i can't make up.

so i decided it was time to dye my hair again. i'm naturally a very dark brunette, but since i have taken to working in a swimming pool that possibly contains acid, instead of water, it tends to lighten up over time. i figured this would be the best time to do it, because it's going to need a week or so to fade from the black it always turns out to be, and then it will be a perfect dark brown, just in time.

i open the box, mix the two bottles together and spread it all over my hair, in what i like to think is a well thought out process. it's not though. it never works out. i always end up with hair dye EVERYWHERE. and this time it's bad. i mean my arms are turning black, my neck is developing cheetah spots, and it seems i thought my hairline was about two inches lower than it really is. but i keep powering through. no time to stop now, i'll deal with the splotch removal when i'm in the shower. i scoop all my freshly dye covered hair together and put it in a bun on the top of my head, and sit to patiently wait my twenty five minutes.

a couple minutes before i'm due for a rinse, i head into my bathroom to check out my shower head, because the pressure has been pretty lame the past few days. i assume there is some cloggage so i unscrew the contraption, shake it all out, and put it back together. then i turn the water on, and all the sudden nothing is coming out of the shower head now. which goes to show, i am not always such a "Fiona fix-it," because no water is definitely considerably worse than low pressure water. i can feel the panic rise in my stomach, what do i do, i don't have time for this problem, i need to get the dye out.

i futz around for a few more minutes, screwing, unscrewing, and not the good kind. eventually i am able to conjure a trickle from the shower head. i decide i cannot wait any longer, so i kneel down beside the shower, hold my head upside down and let the light stream of water begin to wash the purple color from my hair. so let's recap the situation in a little more detail. i live in a three bathroom house. i need to rinse out my hair dye. and in my moment of doubt, i decide the best solution will be to just deal with it, in my own practically nonexistent shower. it probably wasn't until thirty seconds into the rinsing, that i realized this was the wrong choice. in this case the path not taken (going upstairs to a fully functioning bathroom) would have been the correct answer.

i can feel the purple water running down my face, getting into my eyes, dripping off my lips. i'm having difficulties keeping myself in this kneeling, head over the bathtub position, and not the mention the lack of all water pressure is making this process a lot longer than necessary. then i realize, hey, i can use the bathtub faucet, the water comes out a lot stronger from there. oh yeah Lauren, genius idea! to make a longer story short, i end up crouching in the bathtub in two inches of purple water (because of course my old old shower cannot drain faster than i can get water in it) trying desperately to rinse as much dye out of my hair as possible. and since a full shower was not available, it seems i am going to have to parade around tomorrow with possibly more hair dye on my body, than in my hair. but the signature "this would only happen to you moment" comes with the black stains on my face, that are from the dyed water dripping from my forehead to my chin. it appears as if i mascara'd my hair, and then it hysterically cried, causing black tear marks down my entire face.

thank you life. at least i can get a kick out of you every once and a while.

ADDICTED!

so i might have become addicted to diet dr. pepper.

i just don't know how i let this happen. one minute it was buy two cases of soda, get three free at the market, and i ended up with a twelve pack in my house, the next i was anxious to go to bed, just knowing i could have an ice cold dp in the morning. at first our relationship was very innocent; a can here and there, a treat other than water. i was completely unaware of the dependency i was building up, and then one day it just bitch slapped me.

"ooooohhh a diet dr. pepper sounds good," i thought to myself. i picked up a nice cold bottle from the market, and as soon as i heard that crisp fizz when i first opened the cap, i knew that this delcious calorie free soda had become more to me than just a drink. one sip, and i could feel actual happiness shooting through my veins. it was as if all was right in the world again.

and now here i am, three weeks later, and i know it's getting worse with time. i'm fueling this addiction, and it's going to take some strong willpower to be able to quit it cold turkey. the only thing i do know is that i'm going to need some brutal mental preparation to become that strong. guess i'll get started on that tomorrow, after i have my diet dr. pepper of course.

not to sound apathetic...

but sometimes I JUST DON'T FUCKING CARE!!


okay, i just had to get that out. i'll breathe now and everything will be okay.

hugs not drugs

it's been a bit.

unfortunately nothing really amazing or funny or interesting has happened to me in the last week or so, which is the reasoning behind my prolonged update.

but if i don't update kind of regularly then i slump into a state where i forget to update all together. so instead i'll try to compose a list of things going on in my life.

i just now realized that the diet dr pepper i have been drinking has caffeine in it. which could definitely be the contributing factor to the beginning of a migraine.

i made some hard boiled eggs this evening, a risk i have been avoiding, i'll let you know if i enjoy them.

school starts in two weeks. so much for my productive summer.

yesterday i swam forty laps! which, if i might say, is quite an accomplishment for someone who hasn't lap swam in four years. and who, four years ago, was only a mediocre swimmer.

i'm on the prowl for wedged boots and plaid shirts. these are both necessities to my current life.

i've started hula hooping my way to a bikini bod. or just a normal one.

i have a strong inkling for some feng shui but i don't think my furniture is going to allow it.

excitingly i signed up for a word a day email. one small step for Lauren, one giant building of her vocabulary. watch out! next time i post you might need a thesaurus to understand.

alright, well that's it on the boring life of Lauren. i hope if nothing else you read this and are enlightened to the fact that your life is not the most boring after all.

my life as i know it

don't you hate it when you go to the market and you buy a giant brand new container of nonfat yogurt to eat for breakfast. then two days later you get sick with a cold and you can't eat dairy. you're sick for two weeks and your yogurt goes bad.

such is my life.

Tips from the Wise

i recently acquired a second job working in retail. it's been about three years since i have done anything for work other than teaching swim lessons, so it was definitely a surprise to see how rude society has gotten. i don't go into your place of work, walk up to your desk and push everything off, so you should respect mine too. so in order to prevent the further loss of general manners, i have kindly compiled a list of shopping tips for you to consider on your next retail outing.

(and of course, when i say "consider" i mean "strictly follow!")

1. If you ask for something rudely, it's pretty much a guarantee that we "won't have your size" in the back room. Unless of course we work on commission, but if you had to approach us, we probably aren't getting a commission. therefore you can take your rude attitude to another store that gets paid to kiss your ass.

2. If the shirt is ugly when it's folded, it's still going to be ugly when unfolded. So don't waste your time AND ours.

3. Just because it is on sale DOES NOT mean you have to touch it. Especially if you have no intention of buying it.

4. A pity fold is always greatly appreciated, even if it's wrong. At least we know you have compassion, unlike the other heartless devils who terrorize the store.

5. Bargain shopping is great! Even better when it is an extra 50 percent off! I get it! You want to make sure you get to see everything, to make sure you're really taking advantage of the deal. However, this does not give you the right to push the sales associate out of the way. Or throw things at her.

6. If your size is at the bottom of the neatly folded stack, it's not necessary to pick up the top of the stack and violently dump it out of the way. Just violently enough that each shirt has to be refolded. Thanks.

7. Picking up fifteen items from everywhere in the store and then all the sudden deciding you don't want it and just dumping it on the first employee you see is not very nice. I get what you're thinking, but just hang it on a rack somewhere, we'll get to it eventually. Or here is a crazy idea: you could attempt to put some of it back yourself.

8. If you took it off the hanger...put it back on...right side out.

9. Remember how you're mom always told you to pick your clothes up off the floor? Well just because this isn't your room, doesn't mean that its okay to throw things on the floor.

10. T shirt sizes don't vary with color.Meaning: you do not need to unfold the medium in EVERY color. It's the SAME fucking shirt.

11. Bathing suit season is WAY over by August. Gotta clear it out! Christmas shirts are coming soon! DUH. And fyi: it's not my fault you're an idiot.

In conclusion be nice when you are shopping. Angry and rude is going to get you no where fast. And have some common courtesy...be respectful to the fact that whatever you mess up, someone probably just spent an hour folding it to make it perfect.

P.S today at work a woman asked me where our purses were, and i replied with "well what kind of purse are you looking for? like a purse purse or another kind of purse?"
REALLY LAUREN?!!??

AWK with extra WARD

i'm convinced i have a social anxiety disorder. i'm not sure if such a thing actually exists, but it sounds like something that would. and by convinced i mean that i have already self diagnosed myself with this infliction. i pretty much visit web md everyday, so therefore i have all the qualifications necessary to make such a hefty call. my particular case is an interesting one, because it does not seriously debilitate me from being in social situations, it makes me very awkward or weird.

being around people makes me nervous. sometimes really nervous, and i begin to freak out about how to behave around such people. it's almost like i lose control over my mind and body, and i just freeze up. if you have spent some time around me, you will easily realize when these symptoms set in. i become really quiet and uncomfortable looking. my eyes start to roam all over and i make bizarre facial expressions. i'll bite my nails or twiddle my thumbs. it's very weird, and unfortunately if you didn't know me very well, you'd just think i was creepy, unsocial and awkward. truth is though, turmoil is going on in my body. my stomach is churning and i feel really rigid and panicked in what to do.

recently this has been happening a lot to me at work, which is the worst. my whole brain gets flustered and i have a really hard time interacting with the children. a major result of this social anxiety kicking in is my use of big words and fancy phrases. which as you have read below confuses everyone, and scrambles my thoughts up even more. today for example i spent a painful four hours trying to teach breast stoke to kids of varying ages. after a failed explanation on my part, one girl flopped across the pool, in her interpretation of what i said, to which my coworker replied, "what stroke are you trying to teach?" the more i think about it, the more i wonder if i am sane enough to be around children.

so if we ever meet (which is likely since nathalie is really the only one who reads this thing...to which i thank her!) and i am completely weird and uncomfortable, it's most likely my social anxiety disorder, SAD if you will, and not you. unless you're creepy, in which case it is you.

i strive to articulate becomingly

i'm on a quest to broaden my vocabulary. not necessarily my knowledge of words, because believe it or not, i'm actually pretty smart. not to brag, but i do know a few big words, i just strive to use them naturally in every day life. i'm a smart girl, it's finally time that i sound like one too.

here is the dilemna i've run into: whenever i am around friends or people my own age, i usually get so distracted by the conversation that i forget to think before i speak. therefore it just like totally comes out like valley girl-ish. then next thing you know, it's sunday morning and i'm at work swimming with the kids, and i have all the time in the world to chose the diction of my dreams. two minutes later, as i'm telling a five year old that she wants to "rotate her arm at a 45 degree angle so it lands perpindicular to the water" i begin to realize that this might not be the best place to practice my new profound way of speaking. she turns to me confused, to which i can only shrug and reply, "i guess you haven't gotten to geometry yet..."

so my new goal (and if i write it, then it must come true!) is to always try to think before i speak. and maybe for once i'll sound just as astute as my mind is.

curiosity killed the cat...what's the lesson there?

i LOVE to stare. i know it's rude, but sometimes i just can't help myself. i only stare at people in a positive way, and that sounds absolutely creepy, but it's true. if you're ugly or funny looking i wouldn't waste my time staring. so if you catch me staring at you, take it as a compliment, i obviously find you fascinating and want to know more. i love learning all about people. i just get this craving to want to know everything about you; your favorite color, what you do when you wake up in the morning, your favorite book, all the weird and random things that make you you. i'm sure it's some eccentric psychological disorder i have in an attempt to make my bizarre habits seem more normal. i know why i'm so awkward, now i want to know if it's a similar combination that makes you awkward too.

here is a problem i run into often. they always say that girls can feel when someone is staring at them. which is completely true. it's totally subconcious, but whenever someone is staring i know to turn around and look for the culprit. this has been happening to me a lot recently. i always end up making that horribly uncomfortable moment when your eyes lock and you realize that both of you have now been caught staring. at work i would say i experience this moment at least ten times in my four hour shift. the first couple times i always think, man why are they staring at me? and then after we lock eyes at seven more times, i start to doubt myself. are they staring because all this time i've been staring? i mean who stared first?

then i try really hard to not look at all. which only makes me look even more awkward. and since i'm a compulsive starer, i probably started it, which now makes me look like a complete creep. or is it possible that there is someone out there who has the same fondness for an innocent gaze into other people's lives?

the answer is: probably not. i'm officially just a big creep, who now spends her time dwelling on stupid theories like such, all in the hope that one day, i'll find someone who embraces and loves my little quirks.

here's to hoping!

if i can read it, SO CAN YOU!

My roommate basically tricked me into reading this book with the promise of a future movie involving Anton Yelchin, whom we adore. Despite my rule of seeing the movie first, i figured by the time the movie actually came out i'd have forgotten the book, and besides i was going away for a weekend and needed some form of entertainment. Having spent the entire beginning of summer rereading mindless books, i was pretty thrilled at the aspect of something new.

I began the book, and immediately noticed that i was flyyyyyyying through it. I couldn't help but feel a small sense of pride, noting that despite half of my brain dying in my inexplicable obsession with the Twilight Saga, i still had my knack for reading. I imagined the actors as the characters i assumed they would play, and was falling in love. It's a pretty interesting storyline, filled with humor, and quirky characters. Exactly the kind of book i needed for vacation.

I finished the book in a day, and once i got back to civilization in San Francisco, i started doing some research on the movie. the first thing i came across was that this is actually a book written for the young adult crowd (ding ding ding, that must be why i read through it so rapidly). one small stab to that pride of mine. the next info i discover is that the movie is taking place in japan. in JAPANESE. (the actual novel takes place somewhere on the east coast). why you ask? i have no idea. i guess those japanese film companies swooped it up before we could. it most likely will never be released in the U.S. sigh.

that's the last time i'll be duped into reading a book under false pretenses. thanks roomie. cough cough. well if nothing else, at least i can muster up some enthusiasm for the fact that i actually read a new book this summer. even if it doesn't quite compare to my lengthy list well renowned classics. i should know that i'm too lazy to accomplish my overachieving dreams.

breakin all the rules

when i was a freshman in high school the movie "A Walk to Remember" came out. a story detailing an unexpected romance between Mandy Moore and the dreamy Shane West, it pretty much summed up the kind of stuff that i, as a teenage girl, lived for. i can very clearly remember sitting silently in my ceramics class and listening to all the older sixteen and seventeen year old girls talk about going to see it the weekend it came out and i was sooooooo jealous. being only fourteen, i was two years and a drivers license away from having the freedom to see movies whenever i wanted. i'm not sure what the circumstances were, most likely there was another more important comic book movie or something that came out, but my parents made it pretty clear that seeing "A Walk to Remember" opening weekend was not high on their list of priorities. devastated, i settled for what i thought would be the next best thing, buying the book and reading it. one chapter in and i was hooked, undoubtedly five or so hours later, i emerged from my room tearful, and holding the completed book in my hand. "A Walk to Remember" by Nicholas Sparks is a GREAT book, most definitely one of my all time favorites. the downside of finishing the book only made me want to see the movie even more. finally i was able to convince my mom to take my sister and i to see the movie the following weekend, and i absolutely HATED it. they ruined it. they took an amazing book, got rid of everything meaningful, changed characters, and tried to pawn it off under the same name. the next couple of weeks or so i argued with other girls about the quality of the movie, everyone else loved it. reason: they didn't read the book.

being an avid reader, i am completely aware of the saying, "the book is always better than the movie." and i completely agree, in most cases it is. it was at this point in my life that i created the rule that from then on i have very strictly followed:

if it's possible, always see the movie first, THEN read the book. that way you will not only enjoy the movie (having no preconceived expectations) but also love the book when you read it and find out how much more detailed and lovely it is. in my experience this always works. there is no doubt in my mind that if i have already read the book, i am going to hate the movie, and in all the situations where i have seen the movie first, i have loved both. the most recent example would be "Twilight." everyone insisted i read the books, but i waited until after the movie, and therefore i am still a fan of both. the dilemma is now, having read all the books, i probably won't like any of the other installments in the movie series. oh well.

the one possible exception in my past has always been Harry Potter. i started those books way before they were even expected to do a movie, so i couldn't help the order. but in most cases they have done a great job converting the books into the movies. it was probably this precise fact that caused me to go against all that i believe in and break my own rule.

i started rereading Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, (mistake number 1) two days before the midnight showing (mistake number 2). WHAT WAS I THINKING? sadly i cannot answer that myself, i have no idea! (i nod my head in shame) the book was just sitting on my shelf, and clearly i have a problem rereading books, i just couldn't help myself. anyway with the book fresh in my mind, i went and saw the midnight showing (mistake number 3). needless to say i was the girl up in the front violently shaking her head, and making ridiculously angry over exaggerated facial expressions and body movements. thank god it was dark and most of the theatre was behind me. in that late hour, i felt like the movie had failed me.

but now i have calmed down, spoken to my sister (my official guide to all things harry potter) and have decided that i need to see the movie again. i have accepted my bad choices and am going to have to live with my mistakes. but i hope that with the book out of mind, and a couple week hiatus, i'll be able to fully enjoy the humor and bad ass scenes that so many other people loved. and if not, then i'll really know i hated it.

moral of the story: always read the book after seeing the movie.

OBSESSED!

Aaarry Pottaaah!

i've been a fan of Mr. Potter for many years now. i have read all the books, and obviously seen all the movies. i am definitely not as obsessed as my sister, but i still consider myself a pretty decent fan. the books came out ten years ago, meaning i pretty much grew up with harry potter, which basically puts me here: twenty two years old, and hardly able to contain my excitement about the release of the sixth movie. i've got my tickets to the midnight showing, my harry potter glasses, and every intention of drawing a lightening bolt on my forehead. sad, but i embrace it.

the sixth book was my favorite, and i think the movie looks really bad ass. i mean harry potter becomes such a BAMF in the last two books, how could you not be a fan? so here is to hoping the movie is truly as awesome as it seems like it's going to be.

2 DAYS!!

can i back that thing up?

i was a girl scout for 13 fabulous years. that's right, if you do the math correctly that is well into and through high school, and i am proud of it! if you weren't a girl scout you probably won't understand, but it's absolutely okay for you to be jealous. in fact that is exactly the emotion you should be feeling. girl scouts was an amazing experience, and i loved every minute of it. i bet you don't know how to chop wood with a hatchet and build a fire with just a pocket knife and mag bar. if you weren't jealous before, i am sure you are now.

anyway i must move on, because the actual topic of this post has nothing to do with girl scouts really. but to dwell on the point just a bit more, one thing you always did in girl scouts was everyone had to back their car in to all the parking spots. it's like the girl scout golden rule. even today i bet i could discover areas where girl scouts are camping, just on that one little fact. it was done for safety issues, i suppose in the case of an emergency evacuation, things would go just a bit more smoothly if we didn't have crazed mothers trying to maneuver their vehicles backwards. luckily i never experienced such an emergency situation, so i have no idea whether the concept is successful or not. but now onto the more important point.

as i was driving around in the parking structure at the movies a couple weeks ago, i noticed A LOT of cars backed into spots. obviously the first thing that sprung to my mind, was "wow, there are a lot of girl scouts here." but then of course my rational thinking kicked in, and i realized that at ten o'clock on a school night, most girl scouts are probably tucked into bed sleeping. then it occured to me, that all of these cars must either belong or have been operated by men. *ding*

Why do guys always feel the necessity to back cars into parking spots?

it's totally a guy thing. never once have i driven around a parking lot and thought "hmmm, let me take all this extra effort to back my car up, so it will be easier getting out later." yeah right, that's way too much thinking ahead for me. and then i remembered that any time i have let a guy drive my car, the same thing happens. they always back the car into the spot! does it save time? has that been proven? because if that's the case maybe i'll consider changing my ways. but still, i don't know if that's enough to push me over to the other side. i just don't get it. maybe it's a macho thing, that makes guys feel more manly. but seriously, go pump some iron or act like you have balls. trust me, using your smooth "one handed backing up into a parking spot" move is not going to convince me of your masculinity. in fact, the only thing i can think of as i watch you "back that thing up" is that you are a giant tool. i honestly cannot come up with any great reason why men feel it's necessary to always back the car in? so i have taken to my blog in hopes of getting an answer to this burning question?

Why?? Why must the car always be backed in? Why not think like a girl, and just pull right into the spot, and say "fuck it, i'll deal with backing out later."

pet PEEVED

i'm angry right now. really angry. the kind of angry where all i want to do is kick and punch and scream. but none of that is going to help. the situation cannot be rectified, and i just have to accept that suprise suprise, i'm not going to get what i want. so i just need to release some of this aggression, and i am going to do it here on my blog. instead of complaining about the situation that cannot be fixed(since that will only make me angrier) i am going to talk about my biggest pet peeve. i am very passionate about this particular peeve, i consider it the most frustrating thing in the world and i feel it is necessary that it be stopped.

i absolutely cannot stand people who walk like they have no where to go.

now last time i checked walking is an acceptable mode of transportation. it's not really time efficient, but it is good for you, and if you have the time to spare, why not take the 30 min commute vs the 5. But people, if you're gonna walk...DO IT RIGHT! anyone who is walking is inevitably heading somewhere, so please just try to get there! don't just saunter up and down at the speed of a snail as if you are dumb and have no idea where you are. because that is exactly what i think about people who walk slow. you're stupid. immediately i understand that you have no idea where you are going and are oblivious to everything around you. if you are walking half a block, ten people should not pass you in that time. that is absurd.

but wait, it gets worse.

when walking slow is combined with other situations, i sometimes feel like ripping my hair out. an example would be crossing the street. why in god's name would you walk like molasses to the other side. HELLO! there are cars waiting, not to mention what if one gets fed up and runs you down, (don't get me wrong, you deserve it) but don't you have some appreciation for your own safety? or when you are shopping at the mall, with three other people, walking in a row, with a stroller, eating fro yo, obviously you are going .00000000008 miles a minute. you should know that you cannot multi task, and therefore you should not be able to step out into the social world. sit down and eat your freaking ice cream! you would still get to your destination (because i know you have one!) at the same speed.

i understand that people get lost, or confused, and therefore that slows their pace down. i am sympathetic to that. but MOVE out of the way. be considerate to the rest of the people in the world who get places in a reasonable amount of time.

i admitt that i am an abnormally fast walker. as you can tell, i lack patience in some areas and therefore i am the girl you see practically running across campus. ( i didn't get my humungo calves from no where). i am not asking everyone to be speedy gonzales like me, but if a baby has just crawled past you, then houston, i think you may have a problem.

Get some dignity people, and pick up the fucking pace.

BITE ME

So my sister and I talked about collectively putting together a book of short stories detailing the funny incidents of our childhood and so on. Undoubtedly most of these incidents would take place at the kitchen table, a result of the Dub family dinner conversation. Growing up with two older brothers really takes the conversation to a whole new level, mostly in inappropriate ways. Here is one of the more notable evenings from my memory:

I’ll say about 7th grade I went through a “bite me” phase. Not like the mike Tyson kind, but the snappy response kind. To this day, I’m not even sure if “bite me” has some other urban dictionary meaning, besides to literally bite someone, but I thought it was the cool thing to do, and so it became my 13 year old self’s signature phrase. I used it A LOT. Again, when you have two older brothers, quick snappy remarks are never ending, especially when they are making fun of you endlessly. Well needless to say, as cool as I thought I was being, all snippety, my mother was not a fan. She would continually glare whenever I said the phrase, and remind me again and again to please not respond with “bite me.” but sounding cool was obviously way more important to me. It was not until this particular evening, that I vowed to never use the phrase again:

It was a typical family dinner, all six of us sitting around the table eating something delicious I’m sure. Let’s pretend it was meatloaf….yummm. Anyway the conversation began innocently enough, but slowly it morphed into the more inappropriate topics we all love. And then of course it turned into, “Let’s make fun of Lauren” night. Well one thing led to another and of course I replied, “BITE ME!” My mom’s reaction was the expected, she gave me her disapproving look, and told me to please not use that phrase. Being thirteen, and knowing EVERYTHING, I felt it was necessary to argue. “What is so wrong with it,” I asked. But before my mom could answer my question my dad jumped in and answered with, “Well how would you feel if I said Blow Me all the time?” At that point I am sure the look on my face was priceless. I imagine my eyes bugged out, and I struggled to keep my milk in my mouth and not to choke. Needless to say, I never used bite me again in the following years, and to this day, it rarely slips out, unless really necessary, the horror of reliving that night is just not worth it.

Maybe my parents should write a how to parenting guide, because clearly the best way to get children to stop saying things you don’t approve of, is to scar them with something equally disturbing coming out of your mouth. Who knew?

is that a zipper i hear?

my friends and i have a lot of theories we have developed about guys (as i am sure many guys have theories about girls) but this one is one of the most serious offenders. personally it is my biggest turn off, and or course it's the one that occurs most in my boy encounters. so for the girls out there, i feel it is my duty to warn you, and for the guys, maybe just maybe you will learn something.

The Unzipping of the Man Suit.

what is this you ask? well now seems like the perfect time to clarify. there is nothing more attractive in the world than meeting a hot guy, who meets your height requirement, seems to have a great personality, and on top of everything else is very athletic and manly. it just sounds too go to be true. well ladies, it is. because there is nothing worse than that same guy, two weeks later, unzipping his mansuit to reveal that he has a giant vagina. not literally, but emotionally. let me tell you guys, two weeks is not nearly enough time for you to feel like it's okay to reveal your 12 year old girl emotions. two years is not even enough. the second that zipper starts sliding down, i am OUT-THE-DOOR.

despite my hatred of this quality, it seems i have a weakness for these types of guys. maybe it's my sarcastic and "manly" personality that attracts these pseudo guys. but seriously, i don't even keep friends around who are crazy emotional wrecks, why in gods name would i want to date one.

what prompted this post is my new attraction (against my minds will) to this guy. it's really more of an infatuation, he just intrigues me. and i am almost absolutely positive that he is parading around in a mansuit. but his height, and messy hair, and most importantly his hands (i love a guy with great hands), have got me overwhelmed. it's obvious that i have a thing for things i cannot have, or more importantly things i don't even want. maybe its my commitment phobia playing tricks on my mind. it tells me to be attracted to people who it knows ill late freak out about.

but for now, i am thoroughly enjoying the excitement of this new challenge, and the beautiful face isn't so bad to look at either. so at least for the sake of having some fun this summer, let's hope he keeps his mansuit zipped tightly. maybe we can reinforce it with safety pins....just to be safe.

things i LOVE

here are just some randoms that make me happy:

cougars (the old woman preying on young men kind)
YouTube
days off
neon nailpolish
crazy shoes
dancing with the stars
peanut butter
rereading a good book
sunny days
sarcasm
bright colors
crushes
adventures

cheers to making it an amazing summer!

take me out to the ball game

baseball has got to be my least favorite sport. i don't play it well, and i don't really enjoy watching it either, so it makes total sense when my brothers invited me to go to the dodger game, i willingly agreed...right? anyway this is how the situation played out:

first i get a phone call:
"yo Lauren, wanna go to the dodger game tomorrow?"
"uh, yeah i guess that sounds cool, i don't have anything else to do."
pause...then me again,
"wait, are we gonna stay the whole game?"
"yeah probably"
"oh okay, well i guess i'll still go."

cut to the next morning:
i'm putting together my purse, including a book and a magazine, i mean what else am i going to do for nine freaking innings. i also pack some almonds, string cheese, and apple and a nectarine (i tend to get hungry, and ten dollar nachos and a eight dollar hot dog just aren't gonna keep me satisfied. i also grab a sweatshirt and a jacket, thinking i would be freezing, since the only baseball games i go to are in sf. my brothers pick me up and we head off....wooo dodgers!

so we get to the stadium, and we have saweet seats, like five rows back from first base, right behind the visitors dugout. i thought hey, maybe i could get into this. and we had three funny old guys sitting behind us, so i was enjoying the entertainment. after one inning i quickly realize, that it's more likely i am going to die of heatstroke than freeze to death, and am immediately regretting my abundance of jackets and lack of sunscreen. three more innings, NOTHING has happened, no one has scored, practically no one has gotten past first base, and i'm feeling a little pink. i trade my boredom for a dodger dog. yummmm, until about five minutes later, when i gladly would have taken my boredom back.

two and a half hours later and the phillies are up by one. it seems no one else is going to be scoring, until magically at the bottom of the ninth inning, the dodgers make a comeback, with an unexpected homerun to tie up the game. (with two outs). the next batter comes up, three strikes, he's out, and before i realize it we're into overtime in a tenth inning. oy. now i'm stuck, feeling the burn, seeing no end in sight and worst of all, i am completely out of snacks. nothing happens in ten, nothing happens in eleven, it seems as if nothing is going to happen in twelve...but thank god for andre ethier. seriously, that man is my hero. by the bottom of the twelfth i am RED RED RED, dehydrated, bored out of my mind, and preparing myself for another few lame innings when he hits a beautiful home run!! i stand up with so much enthusiasm and joy, i shock my own self, and just shout thank god. (i think those old men must have though i was a real big dodgers fan, because they cheerfully agreed with me, thank god they said too...they really were fans, i was just relieved to leave).

the lesson i have learned from this is, always bring sunscreen, and there must be a reason why everyone at baseball games are always drinking tons of beer. i might have to jump on THAT bandwagon to survive next time. at least i had something to write a blog about...

OBSESSED!

i think music taste is based completely on people's personalities. now i am not a huge music buff, and by that what i really mean is that i am not a music elitist. i LOVE music. probably more than the average person, it cheers me up, keeps me company when i am sad, and most of all doesn't complain when i have sweet dance parties in my room, or even belt out the completely tone deaf lyrics. but i'm not musically judgemental. that would most likely be because i don't have a taste in music. someone once told me that when you say you like all kinds of music, you are really saying that you in fact have no taste at all. instead of being offended i agreed, it's true, i'm open to all sorts of genres. for me, it's all about how it sounds. i can tell almost instantly if i like a song or not, and most of the time it has to do with the beat, or the lyrics, or the voice, but i don't limit it to only certain types. which in my mind fits right in sync with my personality. without sounding indifferent i just don't care, i'm down to listen to anything. for those of you musically elite who don't get it, here is a little insight into my no taste in music.

10 songs i am OBSESSED with right now:

10. The Promise- When in Rome (it has just recently come to my attention that i am a huge fan of the napoleon dynamite soundtrack. but figures, i'm usually always behind on the trends, so figures i'd come around to it five years later. nothing like a good nineties jam to bring back the memories.)

9. 1,2,3,4- Plain White T's (this song is so creative. i can't get over it. i mean what a genius, so smart. plus it is obviously adorable and catchy. and makes every girl wish they had such an amazing love)

8. My Life Would Suck Without You- Kelly Clarkson (i can thank sammie for this. but seriously, it's such a good song. girly, yet bad ass as well. makes a sweet dancing song. and of course, what girl doesn't really like ms. clarkson?)

7. Right Round- Flo Rida (can Flo Rida make a bad song? seriously? everything by him is so good! hands down, if i somehow have money when he makes it to the yay area...i am so there)

6. Heartless- Kris Allen ( i didn't watch american idol, but i love this guys voice! and i love the original, so how could i not love the combination. oh right, i DO love it!)

5. The Climb- Miley Cyrus (i can't stand her. but this song is a great "put on repeat" up lifter, i would know from personal experience)

4. Tonight- The Jonas Brothers ( haha, someone has to have a guilty pleasure somewhere. although it seems most of my music is guilty pleasures. i am a sucker for a good looking whiny voice. i can't help it if their jail bait.)

3. Bleeding Love- Leona Lewis ( i'll never be able to get over this song. it is so last summer, but i still love it. it never gets old. it's a weakness i guess i'll never be able to cure)

2. Don't Stop Believing- The Cast of Glee (this show is going to be amazing! i cannot wait. i'm glad i finally get to live out my dreams of being able to sing vicariously through this show choir. one of the many things my god given beautifully wretched voice did not allow me to do)

1. The Best Days of My Life- Kellie Pickler ( i love love love this song. i can't stop listening to it. it's really becoming a problem. the video is even better. you go kellie!)

and there you go. as all those music elitists' cringe, just remember, it's okay to have horrible taste in music! EMBRACE IT!

torn

i grew up in the san fernando valley, which is part of the greater los angeles area, and as said before has made the the valley girl you all know and love. when i got into san francisco state i couldn't wait to escape the bubble of self involved anorexia and explore new and different places. i was more than excited to experience life in a city, and if nothing else have an adventure for four years, to at least add to my cultural learning. when i first moved i always assumed i would go back to southern california eventually. i mean i loved the city and the atmosphere, but i am a product of suburbia, and i just couldn't imagine settling down without the possibility of having a front and back yard. but as life would have it, a semester into college and the girls i thought were my best friends decided they didn't want me in their lives anymore. the devastation made me determined to love san francisco even more. and as much as it kills me, i have to thank them for that. i spent the next year and a half throwing myself into the city life. i let go of my fear of public transportation and spent time exploring new parts and places in the city.

i learned about great places to go shopping, to eat, and to just have some fun. but more importantly i think i experienced true san franciscan culture. growing up in a bubble, it never occurred to me that moving to sf would not only be a location change, but it would introduce me to a whole new mentality. everyone is so much more relaxed and laid back. i didn't feel the same sort of pressure to be super skinny, or really tan, or tall and blonde. i was able to feel like i finally fit in somewhere and i truly enjoyed it. i think i really became myself. i realized how much i was censored in highschool, and so much of it was dictated to me by those so called friends. i'm a weird person, and i like that about myself, but it definitely took san francisco to bring it out.

i was in love, and it seemed like i was never going back to southern california. i mean how could you move back to the boring valley, when there was so much fun to be had in the city. and then this year happened. well really this semester. this has been the roughest semester i have had in college so far. i hurt my back three times, which sent me into a frenzy of discouragement and lack of motivation. i feel like every time i tried to get up, i just got shot back down. and sometimes quite literally. the stress of being an adult has finally consumed me, and i don't know what to do anymore. i've never wanted to move home more, in fact i've even considered transferring schools for my last three classes and just getting out as fast as i can. (probably fortunately, it's not possible). i don't think it's southern california i miss. i know it isn't. it's having someone to take care of me that is most appealing. i never thought i would say this, but i cannot wait to move back in with my parents. i'm sick of taking care of everyone, and i just want someone to take care of me. there's nothing like a semester of dragging yourself to doctors, arguing with health insurance, trying to make ends meet with a dead end job, fixing problems in the house, trying to get all the bills paid and worrying about passing your classes to make you want your mom again.

the mighty has fallen. (me being the mighty of course). and the path i am going to take to overcome it is still unclear. i really need a break from life, from everything really, so i can patch myself back up, but that seems next to impossible. i'm just trying to stick it out, but honestly, it breaks my heart to say it, i'm counting down the days til i can get that one way ticket out of the real world, and back to southern cali.

please turn off all cell phones and pagers

i have been an avid movie go-er for years. my parents LOVE going to the movies, mainly for the popcorn (see one of the posts below), so as a kid we went a lot. then in highschool that was the cool thing to do on the weekends, because at 14 there really isn't much else to do. and plus there is just something so fun about going and seeing the movie play on a huge screen, in the dark theatre, i just really enjoy it. and don't even get me started about previews. those are the absolute best part! i love previews! i would pay ten dollars to sit and watch previews for two hours, that's how much i love them. but nevermind that, this post is about something more important, something much more troubling than my love for previews...

the extreme decline in movie theatre etiquette.

what the fuck happened in the last five years?! when in gods name did it become okay to answer your cell phone in the middle of a movie?! or bbm your friend the entire time? or record the movie on your camera? (newsflash: if you watch it the first time, you won't have to have it recorded to remember what happened!) or even worse, have a conversation at full volume about how you don't think adam likes you. (well he probably doesn't like dumb hoes who talk in movies! and honestly i don't blame him) i mean is the whisper extinct? and how come i missed that memo?

i just don't get it. and i don't think i ever will. call me a traditionalist, but when i go into a movie theatre, i make sure my phone is on silent, and in my bag, and i don't look at it until the movie is over. (unless of course, it is a horrible movie, and i am trying to figure out how much longer i have to endure it. but even then i try very hard to keep the phone hidden in my purse, and under the seat, so that blaring light doesn't bother anyone else.)

in the last few years alone, movie theatre etiquette has just ceased to exist all together. i cannot tell you the last time i saw a movie in which there wasn't some annoying interruption. whether it be the five 12 year old girls chasing after their 12 year old boy friend in the top row the ENTIRE length of the Hannah Montana movie, or a 5 year old child chewing the stairs of the theatre crying because the 10:45pm showing was clearly past his bed time.

it is just sad that we live in a world where we can't ignore a phone call or a text message for two hours, is it really that urgent and necessary that you answer now? and if it is, why don't you rush up and leave the theatre, so the rest of the patrons can enjoy. you do not need to have the conversation while still watching the movie. despite what you may think you are not in a sound proof bubble. and my god, that light on your phone might not seem so bright to you, because all you are doing is cooing over the fact that he finally texted you, but for me up in the back row, it is ALL i can see. so put your phones away, the boys will love you for not being so freaking desperate. and spending ten dollars to try and hold your arm up and steady for two hours, just so you can have a shitty quality version of only the dialogue and lumpy black shapes moving around, seems really really stupid. REALLY stupid. you must really be dumb to think that is going to be a lucrative business. instead save yourself the trouble, just enjoy the big screen, and you will leave just as satisfied, with both arms intact.

even though i have yet to experience and interruption free movie, i still keep going. i just can't wait that long to watch it in the privacy and silence of my own home. so today i am making the journey again. hears to hoping i enjoy at least three quarters of the movie distraction free!

finals: time to crunch, or crack...

i'm in the library (well the annex, the temporary library)...nope not studying. instead i am procrastinating. as if i couldn't procrastinate anywhere else, i chose to wake up early and come to the library do it. my hope is that somewhere in between all this procrastinating i will get at least some of my TWO papers done. probably more, than if i was procrastinating at home.

both of these papers, one ten pages, and the other seven, are due on thursday, and i have done maybe a quarter of each (and that is me being very generous to myself). i don't know what it is about me, that just cannot get anything done til it absolutely needs to be. i mean i have things to do tomorrow, which translates into, these papers better be done for the most part by today. which i fully understand, and yet here i am blog blogging away.

the library is such an intersting place to sit and people watch. the most random people come here. and the new cool thing about this temporary library is that you can bring whatever you want to eat in here. which is my new interesting thing to look at, because people bring EVERYTHING in here. seriously there is someone a few tables down eating mcdonalds with french fries smothered in ketchup. down a little bit from him, is a girl eating soup. it's crazy! two days ago i saw someone eating nachos. the only draw back is that instead of studying, i see people eating, which makes me think about how hungry i am, and what i want to eat to quench that hunger.

but today i came prepared!! (its the girl scout in me). i came equipped with snacks and a sandwich and tea, and gum and candy. so hunger is not going to overcome me. now if i could only just squash the procrastinating bug and go tackle these papers!!

wish me luck. i hope everyone is doing well on their finals!!