A Letter, With Love

Dear Beloved Black Friday Shoppers,

I first have to say that I commend your dedication, and applaud your endurance and perseverance. While I myself love to shop, I have never been much for crowds and I lack the patience for waiting long periods of time. So I have to give you credit for your determination for grabbing "great deals." Now that we have gotten that out of the way, you guys need to CALM the fuck DOWN.

It's early, I think my bloodshot red eyes are pretty clearly reiterating that fact. I know you too are suffering from the dark hour, due to your zombie like state and apparent feeling that pajamas were an acceptable outfit for this public outing. So therefore you are really going to need to tone down the rude. I understand that you are tired, I am too, it's 3:00 AM, but if you cannot control your crankiness, I am going to have to suggest that Black Friday shopping is probably not the sport for you. I don't know if you were unsure of what exactly Black Friday entailed, but you should never have expected to get into a store, pick up your items, and then check out in a jiff. Did the hundred other people standing in line with you waiting for the store to open not imply that it could be a bit of a wait at the cash registers? I sure know when I walked in and saw the line wrapped around the entire store my first thought was, "Holy crap! I bet that's a long wait."

Luckily you were able to pass the time with all of your complaining. Nothing makes a line move faster than a bunch of negative remarks being spewed everywhere. And that complaining sure kept you busy, so much so that you had no time to sift through the trash bags of clothes that you had collected to decide what you actually wanted. That's an activity saved for the registers when it is finally your time to check out. It was great just sitting there helpless while you debated whether or not you really needed half of the items in your bag. Way to really actively help in getting that line moving. And don't worry, I don't actually need any space on my cash register to ring things up, bring on the go backs!

Just one last thing, more of a questions really, out of my own curiosity. Did I miss the memo where children no longer have bed times? Is it really appropriate to have your four and five year old kids with you at 3 am, shopping? Not letting them sleep has to be some sort of child abuse...and I know I am no expert in parenting, but the possible reasoning for their crying temper tantrums, could be as a result of their not getting to go to bed. Just something to keep in mind for next time.

Hope you really saved on ALL those deals.

Love,
Lauren

P.S Thanks for this.

Black Friday

i have always been intrigued by black Friday. i mean people go NUTS so there really must be some great deals out there. i personally have never gone shopping on that lovely day after thanksgiving, most years i spend it in a food coma, from overeating the night before, but i do know that the people who do get up for those CRAZY deals are hardcore. this year i was blessed enough to spend black Friday working...in retail, and that was experience enough for me. for those of you who are interested in partaking in the black Friday madness, here are some words of wisdom i have compiled from my experience a few days ago:

first off, let me start by defining black Friday, that way you are fully aware of what you are getting yourself into. BLACK FRIDAY IS THE BIGGEST SHOPPING DAY OF THE YEAR!! retailers slash prices like crazy!! items become half off, sometimes more. expensive things are not nearly as expensive anymore, sometimes they are free. customers camp out, and stampede, and push and shove, people HAVE DIED. that nice old lady you helped cross the street just took her cane to your head, because you invaded her space in her attempt to get a tickle me Elmo. trust no one! this day is not for the faint hearted. it is utter madness!! MADNESS!!

now that we have cleared that up, here are my tips:

1. If you have forgotten the date, and you are just casually spending your Friday off looking for a few items to spruce up your wardrobe, go home now. for your own safety this is not the place for perusing. a couple items are in no way worth the hour and a half you might spend in line.

2. While it is important to teach your children to be frugal, bringing your 3 year old shopping at 3 am is unnecessary. He is not crying in excitement over the AMAZING deals, he is wailing out of lack of sleep...because he is THREE! no one sympathizes that you can't get him to shut up, we all now have migraines.

3. Lines will be long. Except it. Embrace it. Do not throw your items at a sales customer while yelling at her about the ridiculous wait. I'm sorry, the store is not actually built to accommodate 400 customers at once. And unfortunately, the 50 other magical extra registers we have are all broken...tough break.

4. Despite whatever turmoil exists in the store, throwing things on the floor is still NOT OKAY. just an FYI. don't be such a disgrace to your mother, effing pick it up and put it on top of the disastrous pile already on the table.

5. Complaining is unnecessary. are you blind? do you think the reason things are running slow, and not smoothly are because there are about 400 other people in the store? i mean that might have a little something to do with it...

6. A customer free hallway of go backs is NOT your own personal store. There is a reason there is one employee in there, frantically trying to put it back on hangers...so we can get it back in the store. then you can shop it. and when asked to please leave that hallway, please do so with a little less huffing and eye rolling.

7. Similarly, an employee pushing a cart of folded shirts, is not your signal to attack and ravage.

8. Lastly, despite that fact that the little Jew inside of you is telling you to SAVE SAVE SAVE! remember you are not an animal, and that five dollar shirt is just not worth the loss of your dignity.

hopefully your sponge of a mind has really soaked in these tips, and next black Friday we can all grab our deals with elegance and grace!