well THIS is cute

I feel like my job gets new merchandise every freaking day. Seriously every time I come in the floor looks completely different, and I don't recognize any of the items. Keeps us on our toes right? Well when I am out on the sales floor, it doesn't take too long to do a few laps and familiarize myself with our new items. But when I am stuck at the cash register, I feel like I'm stranded on a desert island, with no contact from the outside world. It is insane what a bubble the cash register is. The only people you ever talk to are your fellow register-ees, and ALLLLLL the customers.

Being the awkward person I am, I sometimes have a hard time making small talk with the different customers. It doesn't help that probably half of them are from foreign countries, and a lot of times don't speak English. It's just hard to come up with things to talk about with complete strangers, so inevitably I fall back on either commenting on the clothing they are wearing, or the items they are purchasing. And since, we get so much new merchandise all the time, usually I use this time to do my own shopping as well. "Oh this dress is CUTE!" After noticing four or five adorable new items, I find myself asking the customers where they found these articles of clothing. This makes me smile, because it reminds me of the Target lady on SNL.



This sketch is not the orignial one, which I think is the funniest, but I still think it's pretty hilarious. They totally nailed retail personalities spot on, at least for some stores. It's funny because I actually worked at Target for a short period of time, which of course was an interesting experience in itself. In my time there, I don't think I had nearly as much energy as Kristin Wiig, but I know I was always intrigued by people's purchases. It is such a huge store, you can never know all the merchandise, especially when you spend your entire time at the cash registers. So here I am, four years later, working at a different store, still shopping while ringing customers up. Luckily it's only a clothing store, so there are fewer TMI situations while people are checking out. Nothing like ringing up an older man at Target, with Hannah Montana, a box of condoms, and a six pack of tea light candles. Enjoy your night sir!

All in all, I think I might need to come up with some more small talk conversation topics, not only to avoid becoming as obnoxious as this fictional Target employee, but also for the sake of my shopping addiction. Continually watching customers make really cute purchases inspires me to do some damage of my own. Which with a closet as full as mine is never a good idea.

a letter, with love

Dear San Francisco,

I completely adore the weather you have given us the past few days. It has been absolutely beautiful! I never really appreciated weather until I moved here and saw just how amazing it can be. Sure the fog and rain can get gloomy, but then you give us splendid days like these, and all my troubles just float away. Everyone says Southern California weather is better, and I don't disagree that it's nice down there as well, but it is rare that you walk outside and feel the need to exclaim "What a gorgeous day!". That's what today was here, and yesterday, and the day before. You have enticed me to frolic in your rays of sunshine and spend as much time as I can walking all over this wonderful city. Thank you for some much needed brightening of my day.


(twin peaks; one of my favorite places in the world)
on that same note:

Dear Fellow Southern Californians residing in SF. (particularly girls),

Just because the weather has reached a scorching 65 degrees, and the sun is bearing down brightly on this magnificent city, does not mean it is time for you to make rash decisions. I understand that adjusting to the lack of sunshine can be difficult, terrifying at first, but you need to stay strong, and get a grasp on your excitement. Those bright rays will be calling you, but you need to be in control of yourself and hold back. Laying out in the quad on campus... in your bikini... is not the correct decision to make. Reel in those impulses and take your bikini to the beach, or to your back deck, construct a magnifier to funnel the sun into your dorm room, anything to avoid the quad. If you thought you were blending in to that smooth San Franciscan scene, you just blew your cover. Only those crazy SoCal girls would be out, on campus... in bikinis... in 65 degree weather. Do yourself a favor and buy some tanning shells, the ten minutes of claustrophobia will be well worth the embarrassment you won't have to feel later. Despite what your brain may be telling you, laying outside of the student center (in your bikini) does not make you look cooler, or smarter, it just makes people think you are obnoxious. And from SoCal. No need to dig that weird SoCal vs. NorCal animosity any deeper. Respect the City, get some dignity, and soak up those cold rays like I do, in the privacy of my own home, alone, so no one can judge me.

Love,
Lauren

Salute Your SHORTS!

I wear shorts a lot. To define a lot, as it has recently been brought to my attention, means an abnormally large amount of the time. I LOVE shorts. I wear them rain or shine, which living in San Francisco means my legs are wet more often than they are tan. But hey, I'm actually a genius, because my legs dry off much faster than your soaking jeans, and they weigh less. Schooled!

People think I am absolutely crazy. Which I don't necessarily disagree with, but I don't think it's because I'm a borderline shorts-a-holic. If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me why I'm wearing shorts, I could probably just retire now on my small fortune. And what's my answer to that ever so popular question? Well my first instinct is to always say, "Have you seen my legs?" But then I realize that not everyone knows me and understands my sense of humor. Despite the fact that my calves are bigger and probably superior to yours, I don't want to come off as stuck up on the first impression. But part of looking good, is working your best assets, and since cleavage is never going to happen for me, I gotta have something. Which is why I have spent a lot of time power walking up hills to earn the right to wear shorts whenever I want.

I will admit that I have been wearing pants a lot more recently. This is due partly to the fact that people at work nicknamed me "Shorts" and also the fact that it has been REALLY effing cold up here. I realized my shorts habit was getting a little ridiculous when I was wearing a sweatshirt, a giant puff coat, a scarf, a hat, and then my short shorts. I have learned that surprisingly enough, sometimes pants help keep you warmer.

You can call me nuts if you want, but I am going to keep rocking my shorts. Maybe if I keep dressing like it's warm outside, San Francisco will grant me some sunshine. And if not...I'll just just have to pair my daisy dukes with some rain boots. But before you judge me, dig out a pair of shorts from your drawer, throw them on and take them out for a test drive. You never know, it could be a very freeing experience!

Honest to Blog!

Technology absolutely hates me. I don't even think hate has a strong enough connotation to do the situation justice. Technology loathes me.

I have no idea what I did to deserve this plague, but it must have been something really bad. Things happen to my computers, phones, iPods, and sewing machines, that professionals don't even understand. Just last week my phone decided it didn't like my voicemail password anymore, so it would keep kicking me out every time i punched the numbers in. Then, when I finally gained access, I would have to listen to automated messages telling me phone number (blah blah blah) blah blah blah- blah blah blah blah had tried to illegally access my voice mail. Uh, that's MY number ma'am, and it was ME trying to get into MY voice mail. All I wanted to do was erase that dumb video cassette icon on my screen. Is that really too much to ask?

It's definitely bizarre that technology has chosen me as their antagonist, because I have always embraced these new devices with open arms. I was raised in a very technologically advanced household. My Dad LOVES technology. We have had a computer for as long as I can remember and my Dad even had one of those archaic purse-sized "car/cell phones." (Which if you ever bring up, to this day he will still let you know that that was the best reception he ever received on a mobile phone). We were one of the first of everyone I knew to have a DVD player, I was the first of all my friends to get an iPod, plus I own a desktop AND a laptop. But I guess none of this vouches for me, because it seems I am destined to battle for my right to celebrate technology.


My worst enemy in the combat thus far has been the iPod. Some force out there just doesn't want me to enjoy music on the go, which is unfortunate, because it seems like I am always on the go. I guess now would be the appropriate time to admit that I am a PC user. Woah there!...Before you all jump down my throat, let me defend myself a little. I was raised on PC's and so far they have been good to me, so with my track record, why jinx it now? Not to mention Apple, your iPods are supposed to be "compatible" with PC's, don't say it if it's not going to be true.

Every iPod I have ever owned, has had an issue. Let's reiterate that JUST MINE have had problems. I literally think my Dad is still rocking a generation 2 that just keeps trucking along. Mine died probably six months after having it. I have had every problem there is to have with an iPod, including but not limited to, batteries dying, hard drives crashing, and a non functioning click wheel. While it can be frustrating always having to deal with these issues, the part I hate the most is making that dreadful trip to the Genius Bar.

If there is anything out there that hates me more than technology does, it's the Genius Bar. Or really it's those Geniuses at the Genius Bar. I attribute this to the fact that I am a PC user. I kid you not, the second I tell them I am running my iPod off a PC, their entire demeanor changes. Every time I finally cave and decide it's time to get my iPod looked at, I have to find an Apple user to go with me, and hold my hand for moral support. That way when they ask Apple or PC (like the don't already know...) I can mumble PC, and quickly divert the attention to my great Apple loving friend! I used to get a lot of flack for this because people were insisting I was exaggerating the whole thing. But I have proved them wrong time and time again, when we show up and sure enough when I confess, those Geniuses scoff and roll their eyes. Told ya so.

I hate going to the Genius Bar so much that I have been without an iPod now for almost 8 months. It hasn't been too bad because I get Pandora on my *crackberry*, but that doesn't help in the reception-less Muni tunnels. So I have just been riding to and from work, with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company. I would just like to make it clear that I have nothing against Apple or technology, other than their apparent prejudice against me. I guess all I can do now is try to be pleasant and helpful, and hope that one day I will do something to atone for my supposed technological sins.

pictures found here and here

Light Urple

I have been trying for the last couple of days to come up with something funny and witty to write, and I have failed miserably. I have so much to say, I just can't figure out how I want to say it. So while I am trying to make myself comprehensible, I thought I would post something to hopefully bring a smile to your face.

I love when SNL does Celebrity Jeopardy, I think they are hysterical. So here is my absolute favorite one. I hope you enjoy and LAUGH OUT LOUD! =)

Celebrity Jeopardy

BLAAAHG

I'd like to consider myself a planner. I am definitely not compulsively organized, but I do have a special fondness for my month by month planner. If you were to open it and look at it, you would see that I am not lying when I say I can be disorganized. It can be pretty unreadable with my scratched out lists, sketches, and random notes to myself, but it really helps me keep my life in order. I like to be able to see on a monthly basis when I have time available so I can make plans with friends, trek down to LA, or just have a weekend to relax. This I am sure is a weird side effect from those sorority days, but hey, i definitely could of picked up something much worse.

Despite the fact that my plans for today included walking off all the delicious food I ate yesterday, draping a project for class, and reading some Aphra Behn, all before I go spend some quality time with children in water, I am in fact lying in bed. Unfortunately, it's not even the good kind of lying in bed, reveling in pure laziness, nope I have sentenced myself here to hopefully avoid a lot of pain. It seems that I may or may not have thrown out my back. So here I am, frantically icing and heating, icing and heating, and raking my brain for what possibly could have caused this. It's not that bad yet, but all the warning signs are there, and I just can't let it get worse. Although my back might not agree, this is really not a good time for me to be stuck on the floor immobilized for a week, I have places to go, things to do, people to see...

Wouldn't it be great if you could plan out being sick or injured. I swear, I would love someone to give me a list on January 1st saying, "Okay Lauren, you are going to have to take six weeks of sick time throughout the year. You are going to throw your back out twice, get a cold, twist your ankle, and this year we are going to give you the stomach flu!" Being sick sucks, but if I could plan out when and where, it would make the entire process so much more enjoyable. I wouldn't even be a procrastinator, I would be very diligent about picking my weeks and getting the sicknesses over and done with. That way I could do them when I had down time. Oh, no projects this week, I think I could have a cold then. *BAM* Cough, cough, sneeze, sneeze. Done and done. It would just make everything so much easier. Not to mention, how convenient would it be to suddenly come down with the flu on the same day your supposed to help your friend move. Sorry Bob, I just couldn't find another week....eeek.

Well until that's made possible, I guess I'll just try my best to lay down and relax relax relax. Which is really difficult when all I can think about is all the things still I need to do...

picture found here

mahjong madness

My sister moved up to San Francisco for college a year and a half ago, officially making my parents empty nesters. Well my brothers practically live down the street, so they aren't completely void of all offspring contact, but boy did they go wild with their freedom. The transition slowly began when I moved out, and my parents decided to turn my room into a library. That's right, my parents read so much that they needed an entire room dedicated solely to house all their books. Not to mention neither can resist a good Border's Rewards coupon, which if you're a Border's rewards member you know they come weekly, so I'm pretty positive my parent's might actually be recognizable regulars at the Ridge Borders.

It wasn't until my sister moved away that things got really out of control. I blame the great economic crisis for what happened next. I can only assume in an effort to spend less money going out, my parents and their other couple friends took up mahjong. What's this you ask? Well it's that game you play with tiles, I myself am not completely sure of the rules and regulations, I only know that the only people who really play it are senior citizens. Which my parents most definitely are not. Not only have they taken up a board game common in the 75 and over crowd, but they went completely balls out. I am talking their very own mahjong set, complete with special table, and sleek carrying case.



Ever since I was younger my parents have always gone to bed fairly early, because they both have to go to work in the morning. Being the rad popular college student that I am, I feel like I never remember to call them until it's like 9pm, and too late. Well to my surprise, when mahjong is involved, my parents can stay up til the wee hours of the evening. My sister and I were home for a week or so back in June, and we went to a late movie, only to be shocked when we arrived home at 11:30pm and there was commotion coming from the dinning room. We crept in to find my parents, and their other mahjong couple friends, sitting at their special table, noshing on snacks, and just having a grand ole time.

All I have to say is mahjong must really be a hardcore sport. I mean my parents get pretty heated about it. The other night I made the mistake of calling during their monthly mahjong evening, only to have to sit on hold, listening to my parents argue over the legality of a "tile move." I guess it's good my parents got started early, that way when they finally reach the senior citizen age, they can sweep all the mahjong competitions. Hopefully they can get some gambling involved, old people love to gamble, then they can supplement their retirement. We just can't put all our eggs in my basket, I could grow up to be a big failure. Come June though, my parents are going to have to pick up a new sport, something that can be played with five people, because their favorite roomie will be moving back in! I've been preparing to conform myself to my parents wild lifestyle, and I can already tell it's going to be a rager. I knew that the end of my college education would bring upon exciting new adventures.

picture found here

help, i'm LOST

Back in April of last year I wrote a little post about the show Lost. Now almost a year later, as we embark upon the last and final season, I am beginning to find that my sentiments about the show have not changed much.

Six years ago, I sat down to watch this show with my family, I was then a naive 17 year old swept up by an enthralling storyline, and good looking actors. Little did I know, my loyalty to this show, would become one of the longest relationships I have ever had... with anything. I have given this show a level of dedication I didn't even know I could exert. And now Lost owes me. Big time. Over the years it seems my family kind of lost interest, and who can blame them, six years is a LONG time to air a whopping 100 episodes. About a month ago I was excitedly telling my Dad that Lost was going to start soon, and I was thrilled that I would finally be getting my answers. My dad laughed, his little "I work in the tv industry, and I think you'll be disappointed" laugh, and asked, "What is it exactly that you are expecting of this show?"

For a moment I was perplexed. What do I want? ANSWERS. I want logical answers. Something about this island is really effed up and I want to know why. How is it possible that everyone can travel through time, why everyone who lives on the island insists upon killing other people, and why are they all listening to an invisible man who lives in a rickety shack? If the entire premise is something the writers completely made up, I am expecting them to have written an entire historical anthology to back this theory up. I am talking J.R.R Tolkien status. If that doesn't happen, ABC better beware...they will have a very heated letter (gasp. not a letter!) coming their way.

I sat down on the couch Tuesday night, with a small ray of hope, smug that I finally made it to the last season, and everything was finally going be explained! Well it didn't take more than five minutes into the episode, for me to realize that bit of hope was going to be blasted to smithereens. Once again, the dramatic L-O-S-T floated to the screen, and all I could utter was "WHAT-THE-EFF?" Seriously Lost? Seriously?! Here is what I have to say about the season premiere:

Well thanks for the answers. You really cleared a lot of stuff up. I'm glad you chose to introduce a whole different tribe of new characters. I really wasn't having a hard time keeping the SEVEN HUNDRED other cast members in order, sure let's throw in twenty more. Not to mention, does it ever end? How many people freaking live in this island? Are we going to find a small city of Keebler elves living within the endless forest? I mean I guess that would explain why everyone on the show seems so well fed... And I LOOOVED the parallel universes you created. Now we have two sets of each character living at the same time, and that is absolutely 100 percent comprehensible. Happens all the time right? Lastly, who the hell is actually dead? It seems like everyone I thought was gone completely is now suddenly back. So now I am trying to meet new characters, while desperately raking my brain trying to remember the story lines for all the characters that died five years ago. Kudos for keeping me in the dark, because that is exactly what you have achieved.

I am completely and utterly LOST. There is no other way to say it. I cannot figure out whether we are in the present, past, future, or an absolutely new time zone. It seems that all rules have been broken, and I feel like the writers are just calling this a free for all. They have torn through all their boundaries, and I fear they just are not going to be able wrap it all up. Then I will officially have wasted six years of my life trying to understand this enigma.

All I am asking for is some satisfaction. I think, as a the dedicated follower I have been, I deserve at least that much. I just want to get off the couch after the final episode, and give myself a little high five. Go Lauren! It was worth sticking it out...unfortunately I am not holding my breath. Unless things start getting explained soon, I am not sure I will even understand when they finally tie up all the story lines. I am a full time college student, I can only allot so much of my brain to mysterious plane crashes on magical islands.

GRE-at!

After a long, ridiculous road, I am finally graduating with my undergraduate degree in May. Phew! But now what? Well in an effort to avoid having to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life, I am hoping to go to grad school. I actually love going to school, and I have always wanted to pursue higher education, so it's not completely a grand plan of procrastination, just something else I'll eventually get to check off my list. One day in the future, I want to earn my doctorate (yeah I must really love school) because I think it would be a great accomplishment and just be really cool to be Dr. Lauren. Okay, okay, you caught me, at least half of the reason I want to do it is because even though it will be completely unrelated to medicine, it will make me feel much more professional when I'm WebMD self diagnosing all my health issues.

In order to attend grad school you have to take a fun little $160 test called the GRE. My test date is in a couple of weeks and because I haven't taken a Math class since freshman year statistics, or a basic English class since high school, I am cramming like crazy. Fortunately, about 6 months ago, in an effort to sound smarter, I signed up for a word of the day email. So when I opened my GRE book, I gave myself a smug pat on the back for knowing more than half the popular GRE words. Now, in order to drill them into my mind I am going to project them upon you via my blog. See it's going to be educational for me AND for you! Don't say I never gave you anything...

If everything goes according to plan, I really think this is a laudable idea. Incorporating these words into my blog will be just the challenge I need to help me use them fervidly in my everyday life. While I am still learning just like you, I can’t promise that it will be lucid, but I’ll try and assuage the situation by discreetly throwing a word or two into my many paragraphs of hysterical humor and wit. That way you won’t even know you’re learning. I know what you’re thinking, how audacious of me to even attempt such a tough feat, but hey, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do… so she does well on the GRE. Yep, here is yet another ridiculous idea of mine that only corroborates the fact that I might just be crazy…but in a good way, right?

Month of Love

Well hellooooo February! You know what that means! Thanks to every big commercial chain store, we all know Valentines Day is riiiight around the corner. Woo hoo. I am most definitely not one of those girls who is obsessed with this made up holiday, but I am not a hater either. I actually kind of like Valentines Day. I mean how could i possibly dislike a holiday that centers mostly around cookies and candy. I'm not a robot! It's fun to throw a little red into your ensemble and give your friends ridiculous my little pony cards. That's right, thanks to elementary school children and myself, the Valentine's Day card business stays a boomin'.

But the absolute best thing about Valentines Day are the candy hearts. I LOVE candy hearts. They are so addictively delicious. (yes, i just made that word up.) Plus for an added bonus, you can read them too! Learning while eating. Again, you must be crazy to hate that. Who doesn't love spelling things in alphabet soup, or reading all three feet of your fruit by the foot? I know I can't resist.

For the next couple weeks I'll be sitting and enjoying my chalky treats, AND learning all the latest ways to romance people. I kid you not one year I found a heart that said "Fax Me." Obviously that seems like way too much effort, driving all the way to Kinko's, having to make a cover letter, besides who even has a fax machine in their home anymore? This years latest creation is of course "Tweet Me." Nothing sweeter than a twitter @reply the entire world can see. Call me old fashioned, but I'm still a fan of the traditional "Be Mine"...it reminds me of a much simpler time. But then again, the words really mean nothing, since I'm just going to eat them anyway.

Have a Happy Valentine's Day!!

picture found here