well THIS is cute

I feel like my job gets new merchandise every freaking day. Seriously every time I come in the floor looks completely different, and I don't recognize any of the items. Keeps us on our toes right? Well when I am out on the sales floor, it doesn't take too long to do a few laps and familiarize myself with our new items. But when I am stuck at the cash register, I feel like I'm stranded on a desert island, with no contact from the outside world. It is insane what a bubble the cash register is. The only people you ever talk to are your fellow register-ees, and ALLLLLL the customers.

Being the awkward person I am, I sometimes have a hard time making small talk with the different customers. It doesn't help that probably half of them are from foreign countries, and a lot of times don't speak English. It's just hard to come up with things to talk about with complete strangers, so inevitably I fall back on either commenting on the clothing they are wearing, or the items they are purchasing. And since, we get so much new merchandise all the time, usually I use this time to do my own shopping as well. "Oh this dress is CUTE!" After noticing four or five adorable new items, I find myself asking the customers where they found these articles of clothing. This makes me smile, because it reminds me of the Target lady on SNL.



This sketch is not the orignial one, which I think is the funniest, but I still think it's pretty hilarious. They totally nailed retail personalities spot on, at least for some stores. It's funny because I actually worked at Target for a short period of time, which of course was an interesting experience in itself. In my time there, I don't think I had nearly as much energy as Kristin Wiig, but I know I was always intrigued by people's purchases. It is such a huge store, you can never know all the merchandise, especially when you spend your entire time at the cash registers. So here I am, four years later, working at a different store, still shopping while ringing customers up. Luckily it's only a clothing store, so there are fewer TMI situations while people are checking out. Nothing like ringing up an older man at Target, with Hannah Montana, a box of condoms, and a six pack of tea light candles. Enjoy your night sir!

All in all, I think I might need to come up with some more small talk conversation topics, not only to avoid becoming as obnoxious as this fictional Target employee, but also for the sake of my shopping addiction. Continually watching customers make really cute purchases inspires me to do some damage of my own. Which with a closet as full as mine is never a good idea.

AWK with extra WARD

i'm convinced i have a social anxiety disorder. i'm not sure if such a thing actually exists, but it sounds like something that would. and by convinced i mean that i have already self diagnosed myself with this infliction. i pretty much visit web md everyday, so therefore i have all the qualifications necessary to make such a hefty call. my particular case is an interesting one, because it does not seriously debilitate me from being in social situations, it makes me very awkward or weird.

being around people makes me nervous. sometimes really nervous, and i begin to freak out about how to behave around such people. it's almost like i lose control over my mind and body, and i just freeze up. if you have spent some time around me, you will easily realize when these symptoms set in. i become really quiet and uncomfortable looking. my eyes start to roam all over and i make bizarre facial expressions. i'll bite my nails or twiddle my thumbs. it's very weird, and unfortunately if you didn't know me very well, you'd just think i was creepy, unsocial and awkward. truth is though, turmoil is going on in my body. my stomach is churning and i feel really rigid and panicked in what to do.

recently this has been happening a lot to me at work, which is the worst. my whole brain gets flustered and i have a really hard time interacting with the children. a major result of this social anxiety kicking in is my use of big words and fancy phrases. which as you have read below confuses everyone, and scrambles my thoughts up even more. today for example i spent a painful four hours trying to teach breast stoke to kids of varying ages. after a failed explanation on my part, one girl flopped across the pool, in her interpretation of what i said, to which my coworker replied, "what stroke are you trying to teach?" the more i think about it, the more i wonder if i am sane enough to be around children.

so if we ever meet (which is likely since nathalie is really the only one who reads this thing...to which i thank her!) and i am completely weird and uncomfortable, it's most likely my social anxiety disorder, SAD if you will, and not you. unless you're creepy, in which case it is you.

random ramblings

i'm not mean. at least i never mean to be.
i'm not rude.
nor am i snobby.
i'm just sarcastic.
and dry.
i wish i could be outgoing
and friendly, and have everyone love me.
i wish i could carry on a conversation with anyone
about anything.
i wish everyone liked me,
and weren't so quick to judge my actions.
i hate that i have to be so sensible,
which people misconstrue to mean dull and no fun.
i wish i could be spontaneous,
or even girly and giddy,
i wish everyone didn't always assume i was a bitch
or that i didn't like them.
because odds are, i probably thought you hated me.
i wish i could be as comfortable around everyone
as i am with my closest friends.
i hate that i let people intimidate me.
people who are so undeserving.
i wish i could be the best.
i want to do it all with the best intentions,
and for all the right reasons.
i'm smart, and i want people to see it.
i'm happy, and i want to be able to show it.
i wish everyone could understand the anxiety i sometimes feel
in social situations.
i embrace my awkwardness.
and i wish everyone else could too.