Little Anecdotes

Careful....this could be scary!

Today my Dad and I went to the market to do a quick ingredient round up for dinner. While weaving the aisles, because apparently that's what my Dad considers himself to be: a weaver, we stumbled upon a family argument in the frozen food section. A man and his two sons, probably middle school/ high school age, were firmly discussing which carton of ice cream they should buy. The son apparently contested his fathers idea, and said "Why would you get those two ice creams, they are practically the same flavor?" Of course my first thought was. why wouldn't you get both cartons? Even if they were they same flavor, which they were not, you can never have too much ice cream. This was obviously not their family mentality as they continued to argue, leaving me baffled as we walked by. And like clock work, as we passed the family, my Dad turned to me and said, "Now that's a problem our family would NEVER have. Why not buy five cartons of ice cream."

Welcome to life with the Weldens. Come on over, we'll make you a five flavor ice cream sundae.... with all the fixings.

My parents are very distinguished

so much for feeling skinny...

Today I broke my bed. I literally sat down and the entire front half of my bed collapsed. Okay, okay, maybe there was a little bit of pep in my "sit down", but it's not like I haven't ever done that before. I always like to add some pep into everything I do. This isn't the first time I have jumped into my cozy bed, but I'm guessing it will probably be my last. You know, because now my bed is halfway on the floor...

So if you're looking for something to smile at this evening, think of me, hopping into bed, crashing down, and then rolling right off that downward slope on to the floor. Serves me right for feeling skinny this morning. Guess I need to cut back on those carbs or maybe I need to invest in a bed that isn't put together with a baby sized allen wrench...

AWK with extra WARD

i'm convinced i have a social anxiety disorder. i'm not sure if such a thing actually exists, but it sounds like something that would. and by convinced i mean that i have already self diagnosed myself with this infliction. i pretty much visit web md everyday, so therefore i have all the qualifications necessary to make such a hefty call. my particular case is an interesting one, because it does not seriously debilitate me from being in social situations, it makes me very awkward or weird.

being around people makes me nervous. sometimes really nervous, and i begin to freak out about how to behave around such people. it's almost like i lose control over my mind and body, and i just freeze up. if you have spent some time around me, you will easily realize when these symptoms set in. i become really quiet and uncomfortable looking. my eyes start to roam all over and i make bizarre facial expressions. i'll bite my nails or twiddle my thumbs. it's very weird, and unfortunately if you didn't know me very well, you'd just think i was creepy, unsocial and awkward. truth is though, turmoil is going on in my body. my stomach is churning and i feel really rigid and panicked in what to do.

recently this has been happening a lot to me at work, which is the worst. my whole brain gets flustered and i have a really hard time interacting with the children. a major result of this social anxiety kicking in is my use of big words and fancy phrases. which as you have read below confuses everyone, and scrambles my thoughts up even more. today for example i spent a painful four hours trying to teach breast stoke to kids of varying ages. after a failed explanation on my part, one girl flopped across the pool, in her interpretation of what i said, to which my coworker replied, "what stroke are you trying to teach?" the more i think about it, the more i wonder if i am sane enough to be around children.

so if we ever meet (which is likely since nathalie is really the only one who reads this thing...to which i thank her!) and i am completely weird and uncomfortable, it's most likely my social anxiety disorder, SAD if you will, and not you. unless you're creepy, in which case it is you.

curiosity killed the cat...what's the lesson there?

i LOVE to stare. i know it's rude, but sometimes i just can't help myself. i only stare at people in a positive way, and that sounds absolutely creepy, but it's true. if you're ugly or funny looking i wouldn't waste my time staring. so if you catch me staring at you, take it as a compliment, i obviously find you fascinating and want to know more. i love learning all about people. i just get this craving to want to know everything about you; your favorite color, what you do when you wake up in the morning, your favorite book, all the weird and random things that make you you. i'm sure it's some eccentric psychological disorder i have in an attempt to make my bizarre habits seem more normal. i know why i'm so awkward, now i want to know if it's a similar combination that makes you awkward too.

here is a problem i run into often. they always say that girls can feel when someone is staring at them. which is completely true. it's totally subconcious, but whenever someone is staring i know to turn around and look for the culprit. this has been happening to me a lot recently. i always end up making that horribly uncomfortable moment when your eyes lock and you realize that both of you have now been caught staring. at work i would say i experience this moment at least ten times in my four hour shift. the first couple times i always think, man why are they staring at me? and then after we lock eyes at seven more times, i start to doubt myself. are they staring because all this time i've been staring? i mean who stared first?

then i try really hard to not look at all. which only makes me look even more awkward. and since i'm a compulsive starer, i probably started it, which now makes me look like a complete creep. or is it possible that there is someone out there who has the same fondness for an innocent gaze into other people's lives?

the answer is: probably not. i'm officially just a big creep, who now spends her time dwelling on stupid theories like such, all in the hope that one day, i'll find someone who embraces and loves my little quirks.

here's to hoping!

can i back that thing up?

i was a girl scout for 13 fabulous years. that's right, if you do the math correctly that is well into and through high school, and i am proud of it! if you weren't a girl scout you probably won't understand, but it's absolutely okay for you to be jealous. in fact that is exactly the emotion you should be feeling. girl scouts was an amazing experience, and i loved every minute of it. i bet you don't know how to chop wood with a hatchet and build a fire with just a pocket knife and mag bar. if you weren't jealous before, i am sure you are now.

anyway i must move on, because the actual topic of this post has nothing to do with girl scouts really. but to dwell on the point just a bit more, one thing you always did in girl scouts was everyone had to back their car in to all the parking spots. it's like the girl scout golden rule. even today i bet i could discover areas where girl scouts are camping, just on that one little fact. it was done for safety issues, i suppose in the case of an emergency evacuation, things would go just a bit more smoothly if we didn't have crazed mothers trying to maneuver their vehicles backwards. luckily i never experienced such an emergency situation, so i have no idea whether the concept is successful or not. but now onto the more important point.

as i was driving around in the parking structure at the movies a couple weeks ago, i noticed A LOT of cars backed into spots. obviously the first thing that sprung to my mind, was "wow, there are a lot of girl scouts here." but then of course my rational thinking kicked in, and i realized that at ten o'clock on a school night, most girl scouts are probably tucked into bed sleeping. then it occured to me, that all of these cars must either belong or have been operated by men. *ding*

Why do guys always feel the necessity to back cars into parking spots?

it's totally a guy thing. never once have i driven around a parking lot and thought "hmmm, let me take all this extra effort to back my car up, so it will be easier getting out later." yeah right, that's way too much thinking ahead for me. and then i remembered that any time i have let a guy drive my car, the same thing happens. they always back the car into the spot! does it save time? has that been proven? because if that's the case maybe i'll consider changing my ways. but still, i don't know if that's enough to push me over to the other side. i just don't get it. maybe it's a macho thing, that makes guys feel more manly. but seriously, go pump some iron or act like you have balls. trust me, using your smooth "one handed backing up into a parking spot" move is not going to convince me of your masculinity. in fact, the only thing i can think of as i watch you "back that thing up" is that you are a giant tool. i honestly cannot come up with any great reason why men feel it's necessary to always back the car in? so i have taken to my blog in hopes of getting an answer to this burning question?

Why?? Why must the car always be backed in? Why not think like a girl, and just pull right into the spot, and say "fuck it, i'll deal with backing out later."

pet PEEVED

i'm angry right now. really angry. the kind of angry where all i want to do is kick and punch and scream. but none of that is going to help. the situation cannot be rectified, and i just have to accept that suprise suprise, i'm not going to get what i want. so i just need to release some of this aggression, and i am going to do it here on my blog. instead of complaining about the situation that cannot be fixed(since that will only make me angrier) i am going to talk about my biggest pet peeve. i am very passionate about this particular peeve, i consider it the most frustrating thing in the world and i feel it is necessary that it be stopped.

i absolutely cannot stand people who walk like they have no where to go.

now last time i checked walking is an acceptable mode of transportation. it's not really time efficient, but it is good for you, and if you have the time to spare, why not take the 30 min commute vs the 5. But people, if you're gonna walk...DO IT RIGHT! anyone who is walking is inevitably heading somewhere, so please just try to get there! don't just saunter up and down at the speed of a snail as if you are dumb and have no idea where you are. because that is exactly what i think about people who walk slow. you're stupid. immediately i understand that you have no idea where you are going and are oblivious to everything around you. if you are walking half a block, ten people should not pass you in that time. that is absurd.

but wait, it gets worse.

when walking slow is combined with other situations, i sometimes feel like ripping my hair out. an example would be crossing the street. why in god's name would you walk like molasses to the other side. HELLO! there are cars waiting, not to mention what if one gets fed up and runs you down, (don't get me wrong, you deserve it) but don't you have some appreciation for your own safety? or when you are shopping at the mall, with three other people, walking in a row, with a stroller, eating fro yo, obviously you are going .00000000008 miles a minute. you should know that you cannot multi task, and therefore you should not be able to step out into the social world. sit down and eat your freaking ice cream! you would still get to your destination (because i know you have one!) at the same speed.

i understand that people get lost, or confused, and therefore that slows their pace down. i am sympathetic to that. but MOVE out of the way. be considerate to the rest of the people in the world who get places in a reasonable amount of time.

i admitt that i am an abnormally fast walker. as you can tell, i lack patience in some areas and therefore i am the girl you see practically running across campus. ( i didn't get my humungo calves from no where). i am not asking everyone to be speedy gonzales like me, but if a baby has just crawled past you, then houston, i think you may have a problem.

Get some dignity people, and pick up the fucking pace.

things i LOVE

here are just some randoms that make me happy:

cougars (the old woman preying on young men kind)
YouTube
days off
neon nailpolish
crazy shoes
dancing with the stars
peanut butter
rereading a good book
sunny days
sarcasm
bright colors
crushes
adventures

cheers to making it an amazing summer!

tell me again how much i saved?!

a few years ago i used to work at target. that glorious haven: the store that has everything. this is in no way a bashing of target, because despite some of the interesting things that happened while i worked there, i actually thoroughly enjoyed it. it's a great company to work for, and i would recommend it to anyone. anyway, target most definitely has one of the most interesting clientele that a store can have. mainly because everyone can find something they need there. so while i was there, i developed some theories about the people who shop there, and i'll share one of them now.

we will call this meta-frugality: a word i just made up (well at least i think i did) that describes commenting or bringing attention to your own frugal-ness.

this is a common action i observed while ringing up people's items. i cannot be sure if it just made people feel better about all the money they saved, or if they just needed to be reassured that they were not spending more money than they thought. but it went like this:

i would say about 95 percent of the time i rung up an item that was on sale, the customer would verbally double check that it rang up for the price that it was on sale for. for example, let's say that water picks were on sale for $19.88, this is how the situation would play out:

me, holding the water pick over the scanner, across the bar code
BEEP (success!)
customer: that was $19.88 right?
me: uh, yeah
customer (with a suddenly more reassured confident face): okay, good.

now normally, this would just seem like regular conversation, but i began to notice that it happened ALL the time, and multiple times during the ringing up process. i mean, if someone was buying all items that were on sale, they would ask it after every item was rung up. or even worse, they would shake it up and ask, "how much was that?" which of course would make my reply much more complicated, since i would have to look at the screen and repeat the numbers. much harder than just saying "uh yeah."

my conclusion from this whole thing is that people just LOVE to hear about how much they saved. it's as if my reassuring them that the price on their item was in fact the sale price, i am actually saying "congratulations! you did it! you got it for only $19.88. what a deal!" which when you really think about it is kind of pathetic. it's not like getting something on sale is any great feat. especially when it is something from target, which usually means that there are five hundred of the same item, for the same sale price. it's not as if you picked out the only one out of the stack that was on sale.

and i'll tell you, this action was not limited to expensive items that people were really getting deals on. i mean this was no $500 saving on a plasma screen tv. this was 50 cents on the mega roll of toliet paper. all i can say is that from someone who loves to get deals herself, save the congratulations for when you get home. or pat yourself on the back on your own time, because chances are, the cashier probably doesn't give a fuck.

and then it got weird...

back in the day, when i didn't have a blog (so like two months ago) i always thought that this would be something so weird and characteristic to my personality, that it would of course, have to be a post someday. and now, with my very own blog, i am going to make my dreams become reality. see kids, when you set your goals high, your aspirations come true...

automatic flushing toilets. 

they just seem to be all the rage. i'm not really sure why. i guess most likely they cut down on the amount of germs you contract from touching the handle to flush in a public bathroom. and for that i suppose i can give them some respect. i suppose not everyone has the balance of a flamingo, as they use their other leg to push the lever down. and also not being much of a germ-a-phobe myself, flushing the toilet the old fashioned way never really got to me. but boy, these automatic flushers have, and here i will tell you why:

situation #1

so you walk into the stall, hang your bag up, or your jacket, turn around to get a toilet seat cover and neatly lay it down. make sure you punch the whoha hangy thing down, so the whole thing doesn't slip off as you slowly maneuver yourself down to sit. you do your business, stand up, pull your pants up, and without warning the toilet has already begun flushing. you quickly swivel around, but before you can do anything the toilet has finished flushing with all the contents, leaving that lovely seat cover still stuck to the seat. you then proceed to spend the next couple minutes peeling the cover off, throwing it into the bowl, and trying to trick the toilet into flushing again. and let me tell you, those flushers are not tricked easily. 

i mean am i the only one who has this problem? it's like pretty much every time i use a public bathroom, which is quite concerning to me? and if not, please enlighten me, what on earth am i doing wrong?? if on the blessed day that situation #1 is not troubling me, i am of course trapped in...

situation #2

you walk into the stall, get everything set up, do your business, finish up, and the toilet will not freaking flush. so of course you spend the next couple of minutes doing what can only be called as the "automatic flushing jig" to again simulate to the flusher that you are finished. sometimes, if it's a lucky day, you can find a button on the toilet that will manually flush it, but other times, those buttons are seriously camouflaged. and what really makes the situation even more awkward is when there is a line in the bathroom (which for women, happens more often than not) and someone is waiting for your stall. what are you supposed to do, walk out and say. "hi, i'm lauren, and i'm twenty one years old, and i couldn't figure out how to flush the toilet. enjoy!" 

this could create fear in people. i sense an epidemic of toilet phobias in our future. we must do something to stop it, we cannot let these automatic flushers control us. i just don't understand why going to the bathroom has to be so difficult. 

verdict: i may be borderline clinically crazy, have just been imagining this whole thing, and now instead of opening the eyes of the world to a serious problem, have just made myself the butt of a lot of toilet humor. 

random ramblings

i'm not mean. at least i never mean to be.
i'm not rude.
nor am i snobby.
i'm just sarcastic.
and dry.
i wish i could be outgoing
and friendly, and have everyone love me.
i wish i could carry on a conversation with anyone
about anything.
i wish everyone liked me,
and weren't so quick to judge my actions.
i hate that i have to be so sensible,
which people misconstrue to mean dull and no fun.
i wish i could be spontaneous,
or even girly and giddy,
i wish everyone didn't always assume i was a bitch
or that i didn't like them.
because odds are, i probably thought you hated me.
i wish i could be as comfortable around everyone
as i am with my closest friends.
i hate that i let people intimidate me.
people who are so undeserving.
i wish i could be the best.
i want to do it all with the best intentions,
and for all the right reasons.
i'm smart, and i want people to see it.
i'm happy, and i want to be able to show it.
i wish everyone could understand the anxiety i sometimes feel
in social situations.
i embrace my awkwardness.
and i wish everyone else could too.