Christmas Crazy

It's official....less than 12 hours until Christmas. I think it's pretty safe to say that if you haven't gotten your gifts by now you need to calmly surrender, go home, and spend the next couple hours crafting some really spectacular IOU's. Sometimes we all have to admit defeat. This just wasn't your year, and you now know you need to get started just a tad earlier come The 2011 Holiday Season.

My morning was filled with people who did not have a wise person like myself around to give them such advice. Instead I dealt over and over again with angry people's shock over the fact that we were sold out of the items they wanted. As an FYI to them for the future: it is not unreasonable for a store to be sold out of a product at 10am....the day before Christmas. A bit more advice for those same customers: "But you have it advertised in the ad!" is not a justification for you having the right to be angry. First off that ad came out four days ago. Second, and really the only point necessary for this argument, that's how ads are supposed to work! We send them out, put things on sale, and then people come and buy them, and when they buy them all, then we are sold out. It's pretty easy to comprehend.  In a case like that it turns out the whole advertising thing worked, you were just to slow on the up go. So go home and yell at yourself rather than get all up in my kool-aid...because you aren't even close to knowing the flavor.

Merry Christmas and Happy Chinese Food and a Movie day to ya'll!! Stop terrorizing retail associates and go enjoy the glorious weather we're having in SoCal!!

A Letter, With Love

Dear Beloved Black Friday Shoppers,

I first have to say that I commend your dedication, and applaud your endurance and perseverance. While I myself love to shop, I have never been much for crowds and I lack the patience for waiting long periods of time. So I have to give you credit for your determination for grabbing "great deals." Now that we have gotten that out of the way, you guys need to CALM the fuck DOWN.

It's early, I think my bloodshot red eyes are pretty clearly reiterating that fact. I know you too are suffering from the dark hour, due to your zombie like state and apparent feeling that pajamas were an acceptable outfit for this public outing. So therefore you are really going to need to tone down the rude. I understand that you are tired, I am too, it's 3:00 AM, but if you cannot control your crankiness, I am going to have to suggest that Black Friday shopping is probably not the sport for you. I don't know if you were unsure of what exactly Black Friday entailed, but you should never have expected to get into a store, pick up your items, and then check out in a jiff. Did the hundred other people standing in line with you waiting for the store to open not imply that it could be a bit of a wait at the cash registers? I sure know when I walked in and saw the line wrapped around the entire store my first thought was, "Holy crap! I bet that's a long wait."

Luckily you were able to pass the time with all of your complaining. Nothing makes a line move faster than a bunch of negative remarks being spewed everywhere. And that complaining sure kept you busy, so much so that you had no time to sift through the trash bags of clothes that you had collected to decide what you actually wanted. That's an activity saved for the registers when it is finally your time to check out. It was great just sitting there helpless while you debated whether or not you really needed half of the items in your bag. Way to really actively help in getting that line moving. And don't worry, I don't actually need any space on my cash register to ring things up, bring on the go backs!

Just one last thing, more of a questions really, out of my own curiosity. Did I miss the memo where children no longer have bed times? Is it really appropriate to have your four and five year old kids with you at 3 am, shopping? Not letting them sleep has to be some sort of child abuse...and I know I am no expert in parenting, but the possible reasoning for their crying temper tantrums, could be as a result of their not getting to go to bed. Just something to keep in mind for next time.

Hope you really saved on ALL those deals.

Love,
Lauren

P.S Thanks for this.

FREE.99

Everyone loves free samples. Everyone also loves Costco. Now I'll go ahead and apply some of that scientific research skill I am learning in grad school to create the following theory: Everyone loves Costco because they have free samples.

I honestly think that's the stone cold truth. I mean why else do people need to shop there? Who could possibly need at 80 ounce bucket of peanut butter? Or a 150 pack of cup o noodles. Let alone if it's not a perishable item, who even has room to store all of these bulk bargains. I remember when I moved to college I thought Costco and I were going to build a beautiful relationship, but I quickly realized it was going to have to be either my wardrobe or a semester's worth of peanut butter in my closet. Despite San Francisco being "liberal" they still haven't developed a clothing optional policy, so my choice was pretty much made for me.

Now if you're a real stickler for some facts to back up this theory of mine, I think the last trip I took to Costco will  sufficiently suffice. Last Friday around noon my Dad and I ventured to the great bulk food supplier. When we pulled into the parking lot, my first concern was why there were so many freaking people at Costco on a Friday at noon. Don't people work anymore? Well I am sure you are asking, "Hey Lauren, you weren't at work either..." My response to that, "I doubt all of those people at Costco are blessed with a glorious retail job like myself." I know some of them are just sneaking off on their lunch breaks to cash in on free samples, which leads me to my next issue.

The love people have developed for free samples has become unhealthy and possibly damaging to our society. I was actually concerned for my safety while in the store. Now granted, since my new found (well not so new anymore) glutarded-ness, I can rarely eat the free samples, so possibly that has given me a much clearer mind. Everyone else has freaking tunnel vision. They're minds are on one thing and one thing only: free samples! MUST GET FREE SAMPLES! Those people take that mentality and run, literally run. From this trip alone, I realized that these crazed sample get-ers can be categorized into five different categories; each just as problematic and tantalizing as the rest.

1. The Repeat Offender: I saw you try and sneak a second sample! Move over buddy, some of us are still waiting for firsts. I understand that that spinach ravioli was a burst of flavor to the mouth, but maybe you should stop being such a Jew and just invest in a bag (or in Costco's case, eight bags) and enjoy the delicacy at home. Despite what you think, not making direct eye contact with anyone does not make you invisible. I saw that attempt at a second sample and so did the woman running the station. Get some dignity and just walk away.

2. The Immediate Stopper: Yes, I agree, that roasted turkey was good, but was it really that good that you needed to stop in the middle of the aisle, the space that is actually designated for WALKING or passing other stopped people on the sides, abandon your cart, and rush over to the sample station? Have we learned nothing from Dane Cook?  I doubt that the three seconds it would have taken for you to politely push your cart out of the way would have deterred you from receiving that small piece of turkey. A little something for you to think about next time you're willing to risk cart abandonment, just for a fraction of a small snack.

3. The Immediate Stopper and Cart Turner Outer: Just imagine shopper number 2, only this time she turns her cart horizontal in the aisle, so there is no hope of breaking through. I could give you the benefit of the doubt and assume this is some sort of protective tactic to slow other people down and ensure that you receive your free samp, but I won't. Instead I know that you live in a world of oblivion, where other people's lives mean nothing to you. Especially when there is the possibility of  a free sample on the horizon. but please don't worry about me, I'll just stand around behind your blockade staring mindlessly at the 12 packs of cereal. I was hoping for a 15 minute period of rest time anyway.

4. The Patient Waiter: They say that patience is a virtue. In this instance though, I think it's more a pathetic attribute to have. Is it really so necessary that you wait fifteen minutes so you can try a eighth of a ham and cheese hot pocket? I can tell you, having had a hot pocket or two in my day, it's not really worth the wait. So creating crowds around the sample tables not only makes it harder for everyone to maneuver around, but it just makes you look sad and desperate. If you plan to sit and wait fifteen minutes for every sample table, you have just extended your quick trip to Costco into a 2 hour debacle. There is a pretty simple elegance to doing Costco sampling right; you hit up all the ready ones first and then double back cart less (for better agility) for the ones that you missed. Then at least you're much more discreet about your desperate need to have every sample in the store.

5. The Cuts You Off Bee-Liner: This in my opinion is the worst of all the offenders. This person has lost every ounce of their integrity and humanity, and is to the point where they will do ANYTHING to get their free sample. They have sold their soul to the sample Gods and go into a complete frenzy when they see the opportunity of something free close by. They use their cart as a weapon to cut you off, slow you down, or just cause you repeated physical pain until you get of their way. Their only duty is to dispose of anything blocking their path to the hair netted woman holding a cube of cheese on a toothpick. They are relentless, and it's best if you discover one early on, to stay out of their way, because they will have no problem mowing you down if you so much as slow them from getting their sample.

Costco can be a jungle of crazy people. If you're not interested in fighting to the death, it's probably a good idea to either go early on, or later in the evening, when the samples are closed. Then you will find other like minded, fearful, and timid shoppers, jumping at the sound of any shopping cart speeding up behind them. I think it has been one too many times that I have had to deal with the cesspool of idiocricy that has developed in this store, and it has definitely decreased my need to go in. I am happy to say that I finally realized the samples just aren't worth it. Plus my ankles can't deal with anymore cart ramming damage.

Swedish for __________?

Oh Ikea, how I hate to love you.

Once again, as I have embarked upon yet another move I found myself weaving through the furniture clad maze of this Swedish gem. Because really...where else is there to go? Ikea seems to have a monopoly on decent ish affordable furniture, which was exactly what I needed. This time I was on the hunt for a dresser, one that screamed COLLEGE GRAD, but wasn't completely selling out on my craaaazy personality, and could handle the ridiculous amount of clothes I own. Almost every single time I go to Ikea, I immediately regret it. Why? Well to start; they have EVERYTHING you need, and then a THOUSAND other things you never even knew existed, but now that you have discovered them, you suddenly need. I mean the person who created the layout is an absolute genius. If you aren't stealth enough to know the secret shortcuts, you have to walk through the entire store, where you inevitably decide that what you really need is a cartoon shaped, hot pink loft bed with matching desk...or is that just me? Not to mention, finally after you have frantically scribbled down all your aisle and bin numbers for the products, with your tiny golf pencil,  you have to walk through that god damn marketplace. Fifty cents for a drinking glass? How can you say no? I'll take ten! I guarantee everyone comes out of there with something they never intended on buying. Guilty: today we left with not only a "grown up" dresser, but also with a ficus tree. Who knew?

 Then of course, once you get home, you have to put everything together. This I suppose is just what you get for wanting cheap furniture. Conveniently the pieces to the desk you just bought came in five different cardboard boxes, which you now have to open and sort if you have any hope of figuring this thing out. Then there are the directions. Oh the directions! In an effort to not have to print out manuals in eight hundred different languages, Ikea directions contain only pictures. This is apparently supposed to make it idiot proof as well. What I actually think it does is make it so only idiots can put it together. It could very well be me over analyzing everything, but I really struggle with those pictures. Pictures can easily be interpreted in different ways, whereas in my mind words are much more straight forward. I'm sure it looks ridiculous watching me pick up every piece and examining it next to the drawn out directions to make sure it is the correct shape and size. I honestly don't think a little wordage would hurt anyone...just sayin Ikea, just sayin. And lastly there is that fucking allen wrench. That fucking allen wrench which is the key to all that is made by Ikea. It's always a good time putting giant pieces of furniture together with that dumb miniature sized tool.  Well what's even better than that, is when you're moving three years later and you can't find that fucking allen wrench anymore. Thank god I have a set of allen wrench shaped tips for my screw gun. Of course none of those fit exactly right, because where would the fun in that be if they did?

 One thing I always loved about Ikea was their delicious and ultra affordable fro yo. Only a dollar! Dollar cones of fro yo are a powerful thing. They can make you forget the madness you just ensued upstairs, beating people down for that last light birch malm bed frame. One lick of that cold yumminess and I remember why I keep coming back to this store. Unfortunately on this particular trip, Ikea had to rip this one joy away from me. Since my diagnosis as a  glu-tard, I can no longer eat the cone that the fro yo comes on. Sad, because sometimes that is the best part. Anyway I went up to order asking if I could just get my cone's worth of fro yo in a cup instead, explaining that I can't eat the cone. I first realized that this is not a common question, because the woman looked completely baffled. She said, "No we don't have any cups." I replied with, "Oh okay, well what about a drink cup, could you just put some in the bottom of that?" She goes, "We don't have any spoons, but I guess I could put some in a cup for you, and you would have to eat it with a straw, and it's gonna cost two dollars." Hmmm, well this presents an issue. First of all, I am not sure when a straw became an eating utensil... she said it so matter of factly, like everyone has eaten things other than a smoothie with a straw. Honestly that sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. So not only did she want me to eat my fro yo with a hollow stick but she also wanted me to pay extra for it? Um, I don't think so. It's supposed to be dollar fro yo, and I have to respect the principal of that. I kindly declined her amazing offer, and walked away satisfied that I just stuck it to the man. Take that Ikea. Take that!

pictures found here and here

Unecessary.

Retail stores usually have a set time that they open and a set time that they close. This allows for a specific amount of hours in which the store is admissible and available for you to shop in. For many stores it's a good twelve hour chunk of time, sometimes even longer depending on the type of store. It is true that for smaller shops the hours can get trickier, closing early, opening later, possibly being closed completely for whole days. But for the most part store hours are pretty generalized and I think it's fairly easy to get the gist. These hours however, are not merely a suggested guideline that you can manipulate to whatever fits you best. You should not expect to saunter into a store ten minutes before it closes and start shopping at your own leisure. There are things that need to be done to achieve the actual closing of the store, and you continually touching and unfolding the neat piles is not helping us accomplish them.

Quite frankly, there is no way that it is absolutely imperative that you get a Graphic T at 8:58pm. If at that point in time you don't already have an outfit picked out for your evening, just go home, and get into bed, the night has no possibility of success anyway. I understand that it is impossible for everyone to be gone immediately as the store closes, but once that music shuts off, I think it's necessary to at least acknowledge the oncoming close, and start swiftly making your exit. Being the last customer in the store gives you no benefits in any way. You will not get an exclusive prize, you will not score on any extra deals, and believe it or not you won't be treated special in any way. In fact, there is a much higher chance that we will be short with you. So don't be rude.

Just because you have managed to wander around the store, oblivious to the fact that most of the people have vacated, and the store is looking more put together, does not give you the right to be rude to your cashier. I sympathize, what a drag, you have to wait in line! Well guess what, while you're standing in line, your cashier is dealing with the 12 idiots in front of you. Do you still wonder why we don't have any expectations for your IQ when your turn finally arrives? Not to mention the eye rolling is not encouraging me to scan those barcodes faster. The line is long because the store is CLOSED, and most of the employees are off for the evening.  Shouldn't have waited til the last minute to buy those sixteen pairs of flip flops. Procrastination is never really rewarded. I would know; I procrastinate my procrastinating.

So get your shopping done early;  Make an event out of it! Grab some lunch, enjoy the daylight! And if for some extenuating circumstance you must enter a store right before it closes, pick up the pace, and at least try and be quick about your decisions. If nothing else, I'll appreciate the effort. .

Maxi Don't

For some outrageously ridiculous reason I have had the urge to write a lot about fashion recently. Go and figure. Must be the anticipation of having to figure out my life's career soon, cynical fashion critic is a real job right? Hope so, because that is pretty much all I am good at. Well, not to completely belittle myself, I have been known to sew a dress or two, or a whole seven for a line, debuting in two weeks, *cough cough* ya'll should come out to the show. Arpil 22nd: Runway Nouvelle 7:30pm...go buy your tickets! www.brownpapertickets.com

Now that my shameless plugging is out of the way I know you are all excited to hear about my latest rant: Maxi Dresses.

That's right, those long empire waist-ed, flow-y dresses that fall straight to the floor. The ones you probably see women every where wearing, walking around and tripping over their hems. I loathe these... for many reasons, but I'll just briefly go over a few, and then we can address my major concern with a little anecdote. Firstly, I think we should keep floor length gowns for formal occasions, it's weird to see women frolicking around in these flowered frocks during the day. It confuses me. I also think they make even the skinniest girl look pregnant. Maybe it's just me, but that's definitely not something I strive for when getting dressed every morning. I do understand that I am a bit biased, with my extreme infatuation with my legs, of course I would never chose a dress that hid them in yards of shapeless length, but despite that one fault against me, I think it is safe to say that this is a trend not suitable for the masses.

My final and most important reason is that maxi dresses are a HUGE SAFETY HAZARD, and I will tell you why. Before I begin this story, I would like to give a quick shout out to my mother. Sorry Mom, I hope you can forgive me for what I am about to do. I think though, you will understand that this is a situation people need to be aware of, and hopefully by now you can appreciate the humor and necessity in my sharing the story with the eight other people who read my blog. Together we are protecting them from the perils they could possbily face on a daily basis. We are informing them and practically saving their lives.

With that in mind let me talk a little bit about my beloved Mother. She, unlike me, has a great sense of style and knows how to dress herself very well. Despite her also having great legs, she wears a lot of long skirts, but they work for her, and she always looks very classy and put together. While I do not have quite the same issue with long skirts as I do with maxi dresses, (they are MUCH more flattering), they still provide the same safety risks. My parents were out together enjoying a simple evening of dinner and leisurely shopping, when all the sudden my mother's night took a turn for the worst.

As they stepped onto the escalator of a department store to make their descend down to the lower level, my Mom's skirt got caught in the vicious teeth of those moving stairs. As the escalator continued to go down so did my Mom's skirt as the monstorous machine started to devour it. My dad being the hero he is, immediately hit the emergency stop button at the end of the escalator, as my Mom crouched there, stuck, in what was left of her skirt. Had my Father not been so quick thinking who knows what would have happened. So for the next forty minutes or so my Mom stood there, in the middle of the department store, wrapped in a sheet, while my Dad took apart the escalator. That's right, you read correctly, MY DAD took apart the escalator. The store maintenence team was was apparently comprised of a few of the duller tools in the shed. Their ingenious plan was to turn the escalator on backwards, so the skirt would just slip out....right?! Uhhhmmm I don't think so. So unfortunately my Mom had to stand there, embarrassed I'm sure, but hopefully enjoying some of the humor of the situation (as I am really hoping she is now...eeek) Apparently the cherry on top of this sundae of fun was the out of town couple who stood there the entire time, enjoying the "show" while chowing down on their dairy queen cones. Hello, this isn't a zoo!! She can see you! They obviously hailed from a town where tact is not an important life lesson.

In the end the department store gave my Mom a new skirt for free, one because their escalator absolutely destroyed her skirt, but let's be honest, it was more than likely because they were embarassed at the incompetence of their maintenance team. Thank god my Dad is a handy guy, otherwise that could have been a really long and even more dangerous evening. Thanks Mom, for being you, being amazing, and being just as ridiculous as me, so when I have a lame week, I can still laugh at something funny. You're the best, and hopefully you still love me after this. Moral of the story: don't wear maxi dresses. Not only do they most likely make you look fat, they can get caught in escalators and ripped off. And that would suck. If unfortunately you cannot resist...you have been warned....ride escalators at your own risk...

Ode to the Self Checkout

i am a very independent person, and i very stubbornly so like to do things on my own. i hate having to depend on people to get things done, and i hate having to ask for help. despite my lack of plumbing knowledge i would love to take my garbage disposal apart myself before calling a professional in. now i know that this is a bad idea, but i still can't help feeling that urge. just like the many other times, i've moved furniture alone, instead of waiting for help, or thrown out my back lifting heavy boxes i shouldn't have. i just know that i am more efficient than the average person, so if i do it myself, it will get done, and done well. (that's what he said!) this most obviously applies to buying my groceries as well.

enter greatest invention ever: The Self Checkout.



seriously sit down for a minute and think about it: how awesome are these things? not only do they make real every childhood game of market you played, but they also provide a way for you to control the efficiency of ringing up and bagging your items. and if that is not enough, they provide a lovely shopping experience with the least amount of social interaction possible. the cherry on top for a crazy socially awkward person like me! i admit, occasionally these checkouts can be flawed, but not having to make uncomfortable conversation with the 12 year old ringing me up is absolutely worth it. i love stores with self checkouts, and sometimes i even go out of my way to go to stores that have them. i just know i'm guaranteed a good time when there is the possibility of a self checkout involved!

WARNING!

Having a vast 5 months of retail experience, I pretty much consider myself very knowledgeable on the subject. At first I couldn't understand how stores could get so messy and how consumers could turn into vicious animals at the glance of a "sale" sign. But then I discovered the worst predator of all, the one that makes the hair on your arms stick up, the one that makes your eyes bug out at sight, the one that has you fleeing to your mother...

The dreaded One Handed Shopper!

Now let's clear a couple things up: I'm not talking about someone who physically only has one hand, I am not trying to be politically incorrect in talking about the disabled. I, on the other hand (no pun intended, or maybe pun was intended) am speaking of consumers who shop with only half focus, because their other hand is preoccupied with a cell phone conversation, or holding their child's leash, or carrying the fifteen other shopping bags they have. These are people who destroy stores, who turn your neatly folded shirts into unrecognizable piles.

Retailers beware!!

These one handed monstrosities are the most dreadful creatures. They walk around stores like they own the place, too high and mighty to even bother cleaning up after their storm. So to all those one handed shoppers, here is what I have to say to you:

REALLY?!

get your priorities in order! either you want to shop, or you want to talk on the phone. multitasking saves time, i get it, but honestly you're barely focused on either of the tasks your doing, and you are doing poorly in both of them. and what is it about walking around a store while on the phone that entices you to touch EVERYTING? are you talking to the devil? is he saying "now touch the polos, okay good, now touch the tank tops, small, medium AND large" if you're not gonna buy it, which i can tell you, you aren't, just be the bigger person and walk past it. enjoy it with your eyes. they deserve a treat every once in a while.

if you're child needs to be on a leash, then he should not be shopping with you. or maybe out in public for that matter. next time, try going to a baby store, that way you can shop for a stroller, and then take your child out with some dignity. leashes are for dogs, not children. side note: that ten foot retractable leash you have your child attached to ties up one of your hands, but none of your child's. so while you're wreaking one handed havoc over my store, you're kid is following by example...in the section across the way.

if you have fifteen shopping bags; go home! you have enough stuff. you have lost all aerodynamics, and with those bags you can kiss your agility goodbye. there is nothing like trying to weasel through a crowd when you have added 2 feet of width to your either side. while i do respect the talent and true athleticism it takes to balance all those bags, while still being able to browse other stores, i do not respect the fact that you just picked off each folded shirt one by one and created a mush pot in the middle of the table.

so next time you're out and about shopping, remember, USE BOTH HANDS! you might even be surprised in how much more efficient it can be...

Black Friday

i have always been intrigued by black Friday. i mean people go NUTS so there really must be some great deals out there. i personally have never gone shopping on that lovely day after thanksgiving, most years i spend it in a food coma, from overeating the night before, but i do know that the people who do get up for those CRAZY deals are hardcore. this year i was blessed enough to spend black Friday working...in retail, and that was experience enough for me. for those of you who are interested in partaking in the black Friday madness, here are some words of wisdom i have compiled from my experience a few days ago:

first off, let me start by defining black Friday, that way you are fully aware of what you are getting yourself into. BLACK FRIDAY IS THE BIGGEST SHOPPING DAY OF THE YEAR!! retailers slash prices like crazy!! items become half off, sometimes more. expensive things are not nearly as expensive anymore, sometimes they are free. customers camp out, and stampede, and push and shove, people HAVE DIED. that nice old lady you helped cross the street just took her cane to your head, because you invaded her space in her attempt to get a tickle me Elmo. trust no one! this day is not for the faint hearted. it is utter madness!! MADNESS!!

now that we have cleared that up, here are my tips:

1. If you have forgotten the date, and you are just casually spending your Friday off looking for a few items to spruce up your wardrobe, go home now. for your own safety this is not the place for perusing. a couple items are in no way worth the hour and a half you might spend in line.

2. While it is important to teach your children to be frugal, bringing your 3 year old shopping at 3 am is unnecessary. He is not crying in excitement over the AMAZING deals, he is wailing out of lack of sleep...because he is THREE! no one sympathizes that you can't get him to shut up, we all now have migraines.

3. Lines will be long. Except it. Embrace it. Do not throw your items at a sales customer while yelling at her about the ridiculous wait. I'm sorry, the store is not actually built to accommodate 400 customers at once. And unfortunately, the 50 other magical extra registers we have are all broken...tough break.

4. Despite whatever turmoil exists in the store, throwing things on the floor is still NOT OKAY. just an FYI. don't be such a disgrace to your mother, effing pick it up and put it on top of the disastrous pile already on the table.

5. Complaining is unnecessary. are you blind? do you think the reason things are running slow, and not smoothly are because there are about 400 other people in the store? i mean that might have a little something to do with it...

6. A customer free hallway of go backs is NOT your own personal store. There is a reason there is one employee in there, frantically trying to put it back on hangers...so we can get it back in the store. then you can shop it. and when asked to please leave that hallway, please do so with a little less huffing and eye rolling.

7. Similarly, an employee pushing a cart of folded shirts, is not your signal to attack and ravage.

8. Lastly, despite that fact that the little Jew inside of you is telling you to SAVE SAVE SAVE! remember you are not an animal, and that five dollar shirt is just not worth the loss of your dignity.

hopefully your sponge of a mind has really soaked in these tips, and next black Friday we can all grab our deals with elegance and grace!

Tips from the Wise

i recently acquired a second job working in retail. it's been about three years since i have done anything for work other than teaching swim lessons, so it was definitely a surprise to see how rude society has gotten. i don't go into your place of work, walk up to your desk and push everything off, so you should respect mine too. so in order to prevent the further loss of general manners, i have kindly compiled a list of shopping tips for you to consider on your next retail outing.

(and of course, when i say "consider" i mean "strictly follow!")

1. If you ask for something rudely, it's pretty much a guarantee that we "won't have your size" in the back room. Unless of course we work on commission, but if you had to approach us, we probably aren't getting a commission. therefore you can take your rude attitude to another store that gets paid to kiss your ass.

2. If the shirt is ugly when it's folded, it's still going to be ugly when unfolded. So don't waste your time AND ours.

3. Just because it is on sale DOES NOT mean you have to touch it. Especially if you have no intention of buying it.

4. A pity fold is always greatly appreciated, even if it's wrong. At least we know you have compassion, unlike the other heartless devils who terrorize the store.

5. Bargain shopping is great! Even better when it is an extra 50 percent off! I get it! You want to make sure you get to see everything, to make sure you're really taking advantage of the deal. However, this does not give you the right to push the sales associate out of the way. Or throw things at her.

6. If your size is at the bottom of the neatly folded stack, it's not necessary to pick up the top of the stack and violently dump it out of the way. Just violently enough that each shirt has to be refolded. Thanks.

7. Picking up fifteen items from everywhere in the store and then all the sudden deciding you don't want it and just dumping it on the first employee you see is not very nice. I get what you're thinking, but just hang it on a rack somewhere, we'll get to it eventually. Or here is a crazy idea: you could attempt to put some of it back yourself.

8. If you took it off the hanger...put it back on...right side out.

9. Remember how you're mom always told you to pick your clothes up off the floor? Well just because this isn't your room, doesn't mean that its okay to throw things on the floor.

10. T shirt sizes don't vary with color.Meaning: you do not need to unfold the medium in EVERY color. It's the SAME fucking shirt.

11. Bathing suit season is WAY over by August. Gotta clear it out! Christmas shirts are coming soon! DUH. And fyi: it's not my fault you're an idiot.

In conclusion be nice when you are shopping. Angry and rude is going to get you no where fast. And have some common courtesy...be respectful to the fact that whatever you mess up, someone probably just spent an hour folding it to make it perfect.

P.S today at work a woman asked me where our purses were, and i replied with "well what kind of purse are you looking for? like a purse purse or another kind of purse?"
REALLY LAUREN?!!??