smart, until proven dumb.

i like to think of myself as somewhat of an optimist. i mean i have a pretty positive outlook on life, for the most part, and i am capable of seeing the cup half full side of most situations. with that in mind i have developed another extremely astute life theory.

as we know, about half the population is stupid. (see how i just put a positive spin on that! i mean with half i think i am being pretty generous.) anyway, it seems like most of the people you encounter through life are just not as quick on the up go, and as aware of life around them. but despite my cynical and sarcastic personality, i like to give those people the benefit of the doubt. and with that comes my theory:

Smart, Until Proven Dumb.

I like to give everyone I meet a blank slate. I don't like to have preconceived notions, and I just assume that they have made it through life thus far, they must have capable minds. It gives them the opportunity to reach to their full potential, without feeling pressured and judged. So until that absolutely ridiculous comment comes out of their mouth, I assume everyone is as smart as me. Unfortunately for some, those comments come out quicker than in others. We are talking anything from the time they open their mouth to speak the first words to you, to the moment they walk towards you with a glazed over dumbfounded look in their eyes. And in that instant, they plummet down to the bottom of the stupid list.

Some people though, are much better at concealing their stupidity than others. I can tell you that I have been shocked many a time by someone who had been parading around as a smart person for months, maybe years, to only ruin it in one quick moment. Be warned, once you make that ridiculously dumb statement, you skyrocket to the bottom, and there you stay. since i give everyone smart status to begin with, i feel it's only fair to say one strike and YOUUUUUU ARE OUUUUUUUUUT.

basically bottom line: if you're dumb, just keep it to yourself, and no one will ever know.

weird, but in a good way.

after taking one linguistics class, i have decided that everything you learn about language as a kid is a crock of shit. linguistics, which is pretty much the study of language, it is all about words, and the manner in which people use them, the different dialects they have, how words have died out in existence, and how over time people have changed the meanings and tenses etc. basically linguistics doesn't judge. what i mean by that is there is no right or wrong way to speak English. everyone who uses words based in the English language speaks English, whether they use slang, like valley girl lingo, or have a thick southern accent.

i know, i know, stop with the English lesson Lauren. but hey, i had to take this class two times, so i'm gonna spread the half assed knowledge i picked up. anyway this class got me thinking about how it's absolutely okay that my generation makes up completely new words, assigns different meanings to words, and obnoxiously shortens them. hey, it's a fast paced world now, i just can't be bothered to actually say "jealous," right about now you're prob so "jeal" that you're face is green with envy. to an outside listener, i am positive a conversation with my friends sounds completely nuts, but really they should realize and appreciate that we are making linguistic history.

the only problem with being such a linguistic pioneer is that, the words and phrases we use are not by any means universal, so it leads to a lot of misunderstandings. and such is my entire life. i mean i suffer from a misunderstood sense of humor, why not throw in a misunderstood lingo as well. one day, some gorgeous guy will appreciate me for it,and i will marry him, but until then i'll be patient.

somewhere in the midst of beginning college, i decided it didn't matter what other people thought, and that being my weird self was actually a good thing. this is where i most often confuse people. weird has been notoriously known as a word with a negative connotation, it's what i was called by the "popular girls" when i dressed up as a chipette for halloween senior year in highschool. (what? yeah one of the best costumes ever, jeal?) little did they know they were actually to paying me a compliment. who wouldn't want to be weird? why be normal and boring. laaaaaaaaame.

so to clarify, i like to say, "hey i'm Lauren, and i'm weird, in a good way." and it's the truth. there is no other way to describe it, i'm freaking weird. ask anyone, they won't hesitate to second that answer. who else would post an entire blog about it? and i love it. i embrace it. so if you are also weird, with a positive connotation, you too should be proud, because that means you are awesome. if on the other hand, you read this entire post, and you don't get it, then your probably pretty lame. sometimes the truth hurts.

she could be a sailor....with that mouth

i love to curse. i really do. i don't know if it stems from some psychological thrill to do something i was forbidden to do as a child, but there is really something so satisfying about the way "fuck" just rolls out of your mouth.

i also think that sometimes it's absolutely necessary. there just isn't another word in the english vocabulary that carries that weighty meaning. when you slam your knee into the table, and there is no way that "ow" will suffice in explaining just how much that hurt, "fuck" would be the appropriate exclamation there. or when you meet someone and they are dumb. like beyond dumb, why dance around with wimpy words like "really" or "very," when we could just jump straight to the point and say "they were fucking dumb."

i have also heard every once in a while that a lady should not use such horrible words. one time i had a woman tell me and a group of my friends that we made her ashamed to be a woman. what i say to that is first off, times are a changing. i think it's finally a time where we are beginning to accept people for who they are, and therefore i don't think i should have to conform, just because i'm female. second, i am not now, nor will i ever be a classy lady. it was a nice dream once, when i was a child, but it's a harsh harsh world, and pumps, white gloves, and pearls just isn't ever going to work for me. i'm too into being tacky with bright colors, chipped nail polish, and "tousled" waves. it's a tough break, but i think i'll settle for this kitsch life. as long as i still get to keep "fuck" as part of my vocabulary.

of course there will still be people in the world who don't approve of my love of such provocative words, but here is a little tid bit i read today and found very interesting. according to cosmo magazine, people who curse more, have less aggression and anger in their lives. apparently fighting that urge to shout the f word, allows said aggression to build up in your system. well that's all the persuasion i need. since this is practically a doctor written perscription, i won't be able to resist, saying "fuck" every once in a while is actually good for my health. and or course i want to be healthy.

i do however believe there is a time and a place for using such language. for example i am very good about turning it off around children, and other such inappropriate situations. but for those of you out there on the fence about it, just say "fuck it' and let the satisfaction flow threw your body. beware though, it's a thrill you might not be able to give up.

i strive to articulate becomingly

i'm on a quest to broaden my vocabulary. not necessarily my knowledge of words, because believe it or not, i'm actually pretty smart. not to brag, but i do know a few big words, i just strive to use them naturally in every day life. i'm a smart girl, it's finally time that i sound like one too.

here is the dilemna i've run into: whenever i am around friends or people my own age, i usually get so distracted by the conversation that i forget to think before i speak. therefore it just like totally comes out like valley girl-ish. then next thing you know, it's sunday morning and i'm at work swimming with the kids, and i have all the time in the world to chose the diction of my dreams. two minutes later, as i'm telling a five year old that she wants to "rotate her arm at a 45 degree angle so it lands perpindicular to the water" i begin to realize that this might not be the best place to practice my new profound way of speaking. she turns to me confused, to which i can only shrug and reply, "i guess you haven't gotten to geometry yet..."

so my new goal (and if i write it, then it must come true!) is to always try to think before i speak. and maybe for once i'll sound just as astute as my mind is.

please turn off all cell phones and pagers

i have been an avid movie go-er for years. my parents LOVE going to the movies, mainly for the popcorn (see one of the posts below), so as a kid we went a lot. then in highschool that was the cool thing to do on the weekends, because at 14 there really isn't much else to do. and plus there is just something so fun about going and seeing the movie play on a huge screen, in the dark theatre, i just really enjoy it. and don't even get me started about previews. those are the absolute best part! i love previews! i would pay ten dollars to sit and watch previews for two hours, that's how much i love them. but nevermind that, this post is about something more important, something much more troubling than my love for previews...

the extreme decline in movie theatre etiquette.

what the fuck happened in the last five years?! when in gods name did it become okay to answer your cell phone in the middle of a movie?! or bbm your friend the entire time? or record the movie on your camera? (newsflash: if you watch it the first time, you won't have to have it recorded to remember what happened!) or even worse, have a conversation at full volume about how you don't think adam likes you. (well he probably doesn't like dumb hoes who talk in movies! and honestly i don't blame him) i mean is the whisper extinct? and how come i missed that memo?

i just don't get it. and i don't think i ever will. call me a traditionalist, but when i go into a movie theatre, i make sure my phone is on silent, and in my bag, and i don't look at it until the movie is over. (unless of course, it is a horrible movie, and i am trying to figure out how much longer i have to endure it. but even then i try very hard to keep the phone hidden in my purse, and under the seat, so that blaring light doesn't bother anyone else.)

in the last few years alone, movie theatre etiquette has just ceased to exist all together. i cannot tell you the last time i saw a movie in which there wasn't some annoying interruption. whether it be the five 12 year old girls chasing after their 12 year old boy friend in the top row the ENTIRE length of the Hannah Montana movie, or a 5 year old child chewing the stairs of the theatre crying because the 10:45pm showing was clearly past his bed time.

it is just sad that we live in a world where we can't ignore a phone call or a text message for two hours, is it really that urgent and necessary that you answer now? and if it is, why don't you rush up and leave the theatre, so the rest of the patrons can enjoy. you do not need to have the conversation while still watching the movie. despite what you may think you are not in a sound proof bubble. and my god, that light on your phone might not seem so bright to you, because all you are doing is cooing over the fact that he finally texted you, but for me up in the back row, it is ALL i can see. so put your phones away, the boys will love you for not being so freaking desperate. and spending ten dollars to try and hold your arm up and steady for two hours, just so you can have a shitty quality version of only the dialogue and lumpy black shapes moving around, seems really really stupid. REALLY stupid. you must really be dumb to think that is going to be a lucrative business. instead save yourself the trouble, just enjoy the big screen, and you will leave just as satisfied, with both arms intact.

even though i have yet to experience and interruption free movie, i still keep going. i just can't wait that long to watch it in the privacy and silence of my own home. so today i am making the journey again. hears to hoping i enjoy at least three quarters of the movie distraction free!

Oh My God!! Like Totally Gag Me With a Spoon!!

in middle school, i thought it would be the coolest thing in the world, if i actually used phrases from Frank Zappa's song "Valley Girl" in my real life. obviously there are a lot of problems with this, but the first i would like to clear up, is that i am an actual valley girl, born and raised. one time my brother's cousin (they're half brothers) came into town from nothern california and told me he was excited to go back to his friends and tell them he met a real live valley girl. at the time i didn't think anything of it, but looking back, that was probably a quiet slam against "my kind." i'll admit that the time in my life where i was like totally using like after like every sentence, and like referring to things like being totally like grody to the max, was definitely not one of my finer moments in history, but hey i was young and didn't know any better.

as i grew up the exaggeration of my valley girls speech shrank, and came what it is today. what i thought is a normal way of speaking. still living in the valley no one ever said anything about it, because that was how everyone spoke. that was the dialect that belonged to our community, and we all used it the same. surprisingly i even survived a year or two in san francisco where people never bothered me about it for the most part. maybe it was because i befriended a lot of people from southern california, more importantly other valley girls. (i wonder now if there was any rhyme or reason to that) anyway, it was not until recently that i have become completely fed up with all the flack people give me for the way i talk.

i came to san francisco because i hated the valley and i wanted out. i absolutely love it here, because it's beautiful, and accepting of all sorts of people, except southern californians i guess. i just don't understand how a group of people who say things like "hella" and "hyphy" all the sudden have the right to make fun of the way i speak. i understand that saying like often, and oh my god, is not one of the most elite ways of speaking, but that is how i learned to speak, and it is in no way wrong. i can't imagine how they think they sound less stupid saying they are "hecka tired" than someone saying they are "like totally tired." to me they sound one in the same.

also for clarification being a valley girl and being a snob are two completely different things. i may have grown up loving the mall, and not wanting to break nails etc, but i have never once been snobby towards someone. according to dictionary. com, a snob is "a person who imitates, cultivates, or slavishly admires social superiors and is condescending or overbearing to others." aka, i think you actually have to be popular to be a snob.just because you are a valley girl, most definitely does not make you popular. (which is a whole different post on its own). so please don't call me a snob. i do not appreciate it.

and just as a last fyi, there are a lot of people from southern california who do not consider themselves better than nothern californians. just some simple folk who want to fit in up in the north and enjoy the beautiful atmosphere.