Survival of the Technologic-est

While it’s pretty fantastic how advanced the world has become, I think technology is single handedly destroying civilization as we speak, and this is why:

Technology has made everyone become so entitled. In the past you earned respect based on your education, your ability to be witty and well spoken, or your training in a specific trade, but now every Tom, Dick, and Harry who has access to Wikipedia on their fucking iPhone thinks they have the right to be revered. This is not to say I have anything against Wikipedia, I absolutely do not, what I do have a problem with is stupid people who use this site, and applications like it, as ammo to fuel their douchebaggery. Nowhere does it say that you need to be a total prick to seem smart. I’m smart, and you don’t see me going around talking to people like I am better than them, unless of course it’s a situation where I am better than them. But the difference is, I like to really do some research before I make such a harsh assumption. For example, just because someone might have majored in Apparel Design and Merchandising in college, does not make them dumb. 

I do admit that I have a very low tolerance for stupid people, and on one or more occasion might have suggested we sentence them all to death, but I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt. They should at least be able to speak before I make judgment; I think it’s only fair that they earn their blacklisting. I’m sure some of you are shocked at my callousness, but hey, I gave them a chance; I can’t help the fact that people continually insist upon asking unintelligent questions. Darwin didn’t hypothesize “survival of the fittest” for no reason; it wasn’t just a fun whim of his. I mean I haven’t frequented his Wikipedia page recently, but I am pretty sure there was some logic behind that theory. Now, thanks to “Idiots Guide to Basic Instincts” and “Street Smarts for Dummies” we have allowed the stupid people to reproduce, and boy, are they doing so….rapidly. 

But it gets worse, not only have we given crutches to the weak, but we have made them celebrities too! Remember the good ole days when you sent your 16 year old pregnant daughter to “vacation” with her aunt for 9 months, well now we give her a TV show. And honestly, the only moral we learn at the end of the episode is that her parents are more mentally incapacitated than she is.  Now I’m not one to say I told you so …but this is again a problem that could have been solved a long time ago…had we just let the dumb die out. But what can we expect from a generation growing up watching people with absolutely no talent, or high school educations, becoming television stars. Turns out being stupid is quite glamorous….I wish someone could have clued me in five years ago, I could have saved my parents that money they spent on my mediocre state college education. Crap.

I think the real problem we have created is the fact that there is no distinction between smart phones and smart people. While I am sure that “Worst Case Scenario” app is great when you need to figure out how to suck rattle snake venom out of your friends leg, I’m willing to bet 100 dollars that your friend (who I’m sure is a big dick) did something to piss the snake off. The snake doesn’t have access to Wikipedia; he doesn’t know that we aren’t doing that whole “Darwin thing” anymore. He’s just trying to be an active participant in the circle of life. And I can’t blame him…

Basically what it boils down to is that fact that I feel people who own technology should stop being such entitled jackasses. NEWS FLASH: everyone has access to technology; you’re not some sort of special exception. Therefore please do not talk down to me, or to others you don’t know, unless of course you have some sort of “Official Genius Certificate” to prove you’re not an impostor. While I could be nice and humor you and your supposed intelligence, I lack the patience necessary to wait for your web page to load, so you can finish telling me about that one time the Galapagos Islands were visited by a guy  named Charles...

A Letter, With Love

Dear "Bouncer" at Barney's Beanery,

The most descriptive thing I can say about you, to really encompasses that pleasurable personality, is that you are a huge dick. I'd really like to give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume you were trying to joke around about the situation, but it's obvious that if this was the case, your delivery needs some severe work. I understand that checking ID's at the door is a serious issue, but your apparent dedication and thoroughness to the job is absurd. I'm thinking you need a hobby, that way you can invest some of the passion into something healthier, and less of a nuisance to me. 

First off, I know you knew the minute you scanned the black light over the ID that it was real. There really aren't questions about that. I even excuse your need to shine your light right up in my face to make sure my eyes were really blue. The picture on my ID looks almost exactly like me. Oh wait, that's because it IS me. Not even 15 year old me, it's me like 20 year old me. I have the same hair color, pretty much the same cut and style, and I even took the time to straighten it last night which should have avoided any confusion. Never have I had such an issue with proving my own identity.

My opinion of you took a turn for the worse when you insisted I present you with a credit card with a matching name. "Really?!" It became obvious to me at that point that you don't seem to be very well educated because it took you a while to read and confirm the name. I understand it's difficult because my debit card says Lauren E. Welden, whereas my drivers license says Lauren Elizabeth Welden. It's a challenge, and I'm mildly happy that you were able to pull through in triumph.  But it wasn't enough to convince you. You know what, let me just throw my social security number you way, and then I'll write you a personal check. There's always room for a checkbook in my going out clutch. I hope they taught you how to compare signatures!

But what really cemented my disdain was after I showed you both my ID and credit card,you proceeded to ask me what my zodiac sign was. I hope to God that you are also a fellow Aries, because I find it extremely pathetic, that as a dedication to your job, you have memorized the time frames of each of the zodiac signs. I find your love for reading horoscopes an extremely emasculating trait. And I don't think I'll be completely alone in this feeling.

While to a small extent I am flattered that you possibly thought I was underage, I don't really appreciate being belittled and made to feel like a delinquent juvenile when just wanting something to eat for dinner. I'm pretty positive you just get some sort of pleasure in giving people a hard time. It's called a power complex, you should probably look into getting some help for that. FYI, being able to turn people away from a bar does not make you King of Everything. For future reference, the least you can do after making a girl stand outside for any length of time proving her identity, is throw her a smile or wink. I'll just have to take my gluten free business to a different Barney's, one that has less of a douche manning the door.

Much Love,
elle dub