i have a million things to say, but i can't seem to take the ridiculous run-on paragraphs that come out of my head and turn them into coherent sentences.
aaaaaaaaggggghhhhhh
(was that coherent?)
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
A Letter, With Love
Dear Woman trying to make an example out of me to her daughter,
While I understand that you caught me at a "low" point in my retail career, (doing the store a favor by taking out some trash), and how that might have given you the assumption that I am of low stature, it does not however make me deaf. Therefore as a piece of advice next time you feel the need to exclaim to your teenage daughter "That's what happens when don't go to college," you might want to try using your indoor voice. I would also suggest switching from an obvious pointing gesture to something a bit more subtle, like a head nod.
I'd next like to point out the fact that while you obviously think I am ill educated, you yourself don't seem like the sharpest tool in the shed. Along with your tact, it seems quite clear that you have forgotten that little jingle they teach you in high school. "when you assume you make an ass out of you and me." Although in this occasion you really just made an ass out of yourself. Despite your need to publicly point out my apparent lack of intelligence, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, figuring that in order for you to make such a harsh judgement, that you must have some sort of college degree yourself. While I would very much like to know from what University and in what major, I'll leave that conversation for another time.
I think you'll be more than shocked to know that I too am an educated woman, and I am willing to bet that I'm even more educated than you. Now that's not an assumption, that's an actual hypothesis I created on a little bit of research I did. By analyzing the rude way you think it's okay to talk down to people, and your tawdry way of doing it, combined with what appears to be your feeling that your status is so beyond mine you can't even address me like a fellow human being, I can reasonably conclude that you are a fucking idiot.
My concerns over your comment are as follows: First and foremost I am absolutely appalled that you think I look old enough to have completely thrown my life away. What should I be doing (at TWENTY FOUR) that would be considered a more respectable lifestyle? Curiously what career path did you chose that allows you to wander low end retail parking lots in the middle of the day? Judging by your salon-ed hair, designer clothes, stuck up attitude, and giant rock glimmering off your left finger, you really put that "college degree" to use. Secondly where the hell were you raised that gives you the audacity to make comments like that out loud? I'm pretty sure they have a word for women who marry for money, can't shut their mouth, and have a complete lack of class....
It's clear that you have a colorful assortment of character flaws that need to be worked out, starting first and foremost with your delusional idea that we're functioning on some sort of Valley Caste System and you're the one sitting at the top. Retail is not in any way synonymous with uneducated. Though it hardly requires the credentials and qualifications needed for "Gold Digging Housewife," we still manage to go to college and *gasp* even pursue higher degrees. So next time you see me toting trash out the back door, take my advice, lean over to your daughter and repeat after me, "That's what happens when you're being a decent human being." That will at least give us a small fleck of hope that she won't turn into the same steel hearted bitch bimbo that you turned out to be.
Love,
just some illiterate girl.
While I understand that you caught me at a "low" point in my retail career, (doing the store a favor by taking out some trash), and how that might have given you the assumption that I am of low stature, it does not however make me deaf. Therefore as a piece of advice next time you feel the need to exclaim to your teenage daughter "That's what happens when don't go to college," you might want to try using your indoor voice. I would also suggest switching from an obvious pointing gesture to something a bit more subtle, like a head nod.
I'd next like to point out the fact that while you obviously think I am ill educated, you yourself don't seem like the sharpest tool in the shed. Along with your tact, it seems quite clear that you have forgotten that little jingle they teach you in high school. "when you assume you make an ass out of you and me." Although in this occasion you really just made an ass out of yourself. Despite your need to publicly point out my apparent lack of intelligence, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, figuring that in order for you to make such a harsh judgement, that you must have some sort of college degree yourself. While I would very much like to know from what University and in what major, I'll leave that conversation for another time.
I think you'll be more than shocked to know that I too am an educated woman, and I am willing to bet that I'm even more educated than you. Now that's not an assumption, that's an actual hypothesis I created on a little bit of research I did. By analyzing the rude way you think it's okay to talk down to people, and your tawdry way of doing it, combined with what appears to be your feeling that your status is so beyond mine you can't even address me like a fellow human being, I can reasonably conclude that you are a fucking idiot.
My concerns over your comment are as follows: First and foremost I am absolutely appalled that you think I look old enough to have completely thrown my life away. What should I be doing (at TWENTY FOUR) that would be considered a more respectable lifestyle? Curiously what career path did you chose that allows you to wander low end retail parking lots in the middle of the day? Judging by your salon-ed hair, designer clothes, stuck up attitude, and giant rock glimmering off your left finger, you really put that "college degree" to use. Secondly where the hell were you raised that gives you the audacity to make comments like that out loud? I'm pretty sure they have a word for women who marry for money, can't shut their mouth, and have a complete lack of class....
It's clear that you have a colorful assortment of character flaws that need to be worked out, starting first and foremost with your delusional idea that we're functioning on some sort of Valley Caste System and you're the one sitting at the top. Retail is not in any way synonymous with uneducated. Though it hardly requires the credentials and qualifications needed for "Gold Digging Housewife," we still manage to go to college and *gasp* even pursue higher degrees. So next time you see me toting trash out the back door, take my advice, lean over to your daughter and repeat after me, "That's what happens when you're being a decent human being." That will at least give us a small fleck of hope that she won't turn into the same steel hearted bitch bimbo that you turned out to be.
Love,
just some illiterate girl.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Survival of the Technologic-est
While it’s pretty fantastic how advanced the world has become, I think technology is single handedly destroying civilization as we speak, and this is why:
Technology has made everyone become so entitled. In the past you earned respect based on your education, your ability to be witty and well spoken, or your training in a specific trade, but now every Tom, Dick, and Harry who has access to Wikipedia on their fucking iPhone thinks they have the right to be revered. This is not to say I have anything against Wikipedia, I absolutely do not, what I do have a problem with is stupid people who use this site, and applications like it, as ammo to fuel their douchebaggery. Nowhere does it say that you need to be a total prick to seem smart. I’m smart, and you don’t see me going around talking to people like I am better than them, unless of course it’s a situation where I am better than them. But the difference is, I like to really do some research before I make such a harsh assumption. For example, just because someone might have majored in Apparel Design and Merchandising in college, does not make them dumb.
I do admit that I have a very low tolerance for stupid people, and on one or more occasion might have suggested we sentence them all to death, but I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt. They should at least be able to speak before I make judgment; I think it’s only fair that they earn their blacklisting. I’m sure some of you are shocked at my callousness, but hey, I gave them a chance; I can’t help the fact that people continually insist upon asking unintelligent questions. Darwin didn’t hypothesize “survival of the fittest” for no reason; it wasn’t just a fun whim of his. I mean I haven’t frequented his Wikipedia page recently, but I am pretty sure there was some logic behind that theory. Now, thanks to “Idiots Guide to Basic Instincts” and “Street Smarts for Dummies” we have allowed the stupid people to reproduce, and boy, are they doing so….rapidly.
But it gets worse, not only have we given crutches to the weak, but we have made them celebrities too! Remember the good ole days when you sent your 16 year old pregnant daughter to “vacation” with her aunt for 9 months, well now we give her a TV show. And honestly, the only moral we learn at the end of the episode is that her parents are more mentally incapacitated than she is. Now I’m not one to say I told you so …but this is again a problem that could have been solved a long time ago…had we just let the dumb die out. But what can we expect from a generation growing up watching people with absolutely no talent, or high school educations, becoming television stars. Turns out being stupid is quite glamorous….I wish someone could have clued me in five years ago, I could have saved my parents that money they spent on my mediocre state college education. Crap.
I think the real problem we have created is the fact that there is no distinction between smart phones and smart people. While I am sure that “Worst Case Scenario” app is great when you need to figure out how to suck rattle snake venom out of your friends leg, I’m willing to bet 100 dollars that your friend (who I’m sure is a big dick) did something to piss the snake off. The snake doesn’t have access to Wikipedia; he doesn’t know that we aren’t doing that whole “Darwin thing” anymore. He’s just trying to be an active participant in the circle of life. And I can’t blame him…
Basically what it boils down to is that fact that I feel people who own technology should stop being such entitled jackasses. NEWS FLASH: everyone has access to technology; you’re not some sort of special exception. Therefore please do not talk down to me, or to others you don’t know, unless of course you have some sort of “Official Genius Certificate” to prove you’re not an impostor. While I could be nice and humor you and your supposed intelligence, I lack the patience necessary to wait for your web page to load, so you can finish telling me about that one time the Galapagos Islands were visited by a guy named Charles...
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Dear Readers
To All my Friends and Family who read this blog,
I am really sorry for my absence this entire month of February. I am suffering quite severely from serious writer's block, and am succumbing to the pressure of letting you all down. I had great plans to take the month off, relax, and re launch the blog at the beginning of March. But as it turns out, the design, and content is not quite ready yet. So I am promising to get it all hammered out, and I am expecting to be back (with vengeance) in a couple of weeks. I appreciate your guys' continued support, and it will no doubt be worth the wait. Honest to blog! I plan to do nothing but embarrassing things for the next month, and hopefully provide you with some laughter to enjoy throughout your day. And if nothing else, at least you'll know that you're not the only crazy one out there.
Love,
elle dub
I am really sorry for my absence this entire month of February. I am suffering quite severely from serious writer's block, and am succumbing to the pressure of letting you all down. I had great plans to take the month off, relax, and re launch the blog at the beginning of March. But as it turns out, the design, and content is not quite ready yet. So I am promising to get it all hammered out, and I am expecting to be back (with vengeance) in a couple of weeks. I appreciate your guys' continued support, and it will no doubt be worth the wait. Honest to blog! I plan to do nothing but embarrassing things for the next month, and hopefully provide you with some laughter to enjoy throughout your day. And if nothing else, at least you'll know that you're not the only crazy one out there.
Love,
elle dub
Saturday, January 22, 2011
5,4,3,2,1.....NEXT!
Let me first begin with: I did this for all of you.
Last week I went Speed Dating.
Yep, you read that correctly, as a truly dedicated blog author, I spent a good two hours last Wednesday going on eleven, five minute first dates. One right after each other, whistle blowing included. And much to my disappointment, and now to yours, it was not nearly the disastrous train wreck I was expecting it to be.
Unfortunately none of the guys were extraordinarily creepy, with the exception of three, and even two of those were pleasant-ish to talk to. The only real weirdo, was Michael, possible axe murderer, who tried to smooth talk his way into sitting with us in the car before the event had even started. Luckily we paid enough attention in kindergarten to learn "stranger danger!", and politely declined his request. As if to add to his already creeptastic reputation Michael, axe murderer or not, never ended up coming inside to the speed dating event. He must of been intimidated by my friend and I's ridiculously good looks, but not too intimidated to leave his business card on my friend's windshield. Thanks Michael, we'll give you a ring if we need any axe murdering done.
Once I got over the awkward-ness of having to jot down my suitor's name, and more importantly group number, plus any quick notes about his personality or receding hairline, the experience was actually kind of fun. I mean it made for a pretty raging Wednesday night, at least compared to my usual Wednesdays, which are typically spent laying in bed watching the four hour tivo-ed NCIS marathon from earlier in the day. I LOVE NCIS Wednesdays. I think it would be a safe bet to say this was one of the wilder things I have done on a night mid week, right behind my entire sophomore year in college, but that's another story all together.
When I got home, I was actually pretty excited about the outcome of the evening, and whether it was the endorphins from all the enthralling conversation, or the glass of wine necessary for me to participate in this sort of event, I happily picked a few guys that I liked. In fact it was hard to say no to all the other guys, because a lot of them were actually pretty cool, and I would have loved to be friends. But I figured in a speed dating situation, it would be kind of bitchy to "match" with these guys and then throw down the friend card immediately. I think I have too much compassion to become a speed dating regular, I'm too good at being "interested" in every one's lives. A repercussion of 5 years as a sorority girl.
But as it always has to happen, after I sent my matches in, reality set in and I freaked out. I decided that despite my enjoyable time, I am too young to date any of these guys. The age range for the evening was 23-33, putting me right at the bottom, and as it seemed put all the guys right at the top. Ten years my senior is just too much for me, especially when I suffer from such commitment issues like not being able to decide what day of the week to do laundry. They're probably more interested in the potential for long term, whereas I am more interested in how.... not to do that.
So if by some outrageous chance any of the guys from my speed dating experience, with the exception of axe murdering Michael, stumble upon this blog, I'm sorry to not return any of your advances. Trust me, it's for the better, you might not know it yet, but you should thank me for doing you a favor. I have to potential for being all kinds of crazy. But thanks for a fabulous Wednesday evening, I truly did thoroughly enjoy it.
Last week I went Speed Dating.
Yep, you read that correctly, as a truly dedicated blog author, I spent a good two hours last Wednesday going on eleven, five minute first dates. One right after each other, whistle blowing included. And much to my disappointment, and now to yours, it was not nearly the disastrous train wreck I was expecting it to be.
Unfortunately none of the guys were extraordinarily creepy, with the exception of three, and even two of those were pleasant-ish to talk to. The only real weirdo, was Michael, possible axe murderer, who tried to smooth talk his way into sitting with us in the car before the event had even started. Luckily we paid enough attention in kindergarten to learn "stranger danger!", and politely declined his request. As if to add to his already creeptastic reputation Michael, axe murderer or not, never ended up coming inside to the speed dating event. He must of been intimidated by my friend and I's ridiculously good looks, but not too intimidated to leave his business card on my friend's windshield. Thanks Michael, we'll give you a ring if we need any axe murdering done.
Once I got over the awkward-ness of having to jot down my suitor's name, and more importantly group number, plus any quick notes about his personality or receding hairline, the experience was actually kind of fun. I mean it made for a pretty raging Wednesday night, at least compared to my usual Wednesdays, which are typically spent laying in bed watching the four hour tivo-ed NCIS marathon from earlier in the day. I LOVE NCIS Wednesdays. I think it would be a safe bet to say this was one of the wilder things I have done on a night mid week, right behind my entire sophomore year in college, but that's another story all together.
When I got home, I was actually pretty excited about the outcome of the evening, and whether it was the endorphins from all the enthralling conversation, or the glass of wine necessary for me to participate in this sort of event, I happily picked a few guys that I liked. In fact it was hard to say no to all the other guys, because a lot of them were actually pretty cool, and I would have loved to be friends. But I figured in a speed dating situation, it would be kind of bitchy to "match" with these guys and then throw down the friend card immediately. I think I have too much compassion to become a speed dating regular, I'm too good at being "interested" in every one's lives. A repercussion of 5 years as a sorority girl.
But as it always has to happen, after I sent my matches in, reality set in and I freaked out. I decided that despite my enjoyable time, I am too young to date any of these guys. The age range for the evening was 23-33, putting me right at the bottom, and as it seemed put all the guys right at the top. Ten years my senior is just too much for me, especially when I suffer from such commitment issues like not being able to decide what day of the week to do laundry. They're probably more interested in the potential for long term, whereas I am more interested in how.... not to do that.
So if by some outrageous chance any of the guys from my speed dating experience, with the exception of axe murdering Michael, stumble upon this blog, I'm sorry to not return any of your advances. Trust me, it's for the better, you might not know it yet, but you should thank me for doing you a favor. I have to potential for being all kinds of crazy. But thanks for a fabulous Wednesday evening, I truly did thoroughly enjoy it.
Monday, January 10, 2011
New Year, New Me.....?
I've never really been much for making new years resolutions, mainly because I've never really been much for sticking to them. Have any of us? Sure I'd love to lose ten pounds, or make fewer rude facial expressions to stupid people, but I have always been a realist. Making a promise to myself will in no way solidify that I'll actually make those dreams come true. And I think all of you out there know exactly what I am talking about. We are all enchanted by the idea of a new year bringing a new slate where we can start over fresh. But after three days of dieting sometimes you just want a fucking slice of cake, and those celery sticks just aren't going to cut it. And with the alarmingly large amount of stupid people in the population it's impossible to keep a straight face around each and every one of them. Despite my non existent track record with resolutions, I think I might have stumbled on to a little idea going into 2011. ( As a side note: I realize it has been quite a while since I have blogged, so I would just like to take this moment to say, holy crap, it's 2011?! How the hell did we get here??!).
So this year my "resolution" is such: I am going to try and do more things that I LOVE to do this year. Things like reading books, something I rarely do anymore, it's questionable whether I even still know how to read. Hopefully the proof reading of this post will put me back into the swing of things. I also used to make a lot of headbands and bows, for myself and other people (holler NATH!), which I definitely need get back into doing. I haven't worn a bow in my hair in months, and I think those messy curls are getting quite bitter about it. Plus I have a bunch of new ideas, so I need an outlet to pour my creativeness into. I want to start sewing again regularly, and not just for school projects, for all kinds of things, especially the gifts I still owe to people (I'll get to those shirts eventually Dad, Danny, and Jason....i promise), and all the tailoring I apparently have to do for all my friends clothing. And finally I want to spend more time outdoors, hiking, rollerblading, bike riding, etc. All of these things make me happy and therefore they need to be necessities in my 2011.
I think I have gotten off to a good start so far, I went bike riding with my parents just the other day. That was an experience in itself, nothing makes you feel like a third wheel more than being a single bike desperately trying to keep up with my parents on their tandem bicycle. I don't know if they are just in way better shape than I am, I maintain two people on one bike obviously can go faster than one, but I spent the entire ride a good twenty feet behind them. And frantically trying to catch up, which never happened until they stopped. Guess I'll have to do some secret training of my own, if we are going to keep up that Saturday morning tradition.
Anyway, I think the key to this resolution is the fact that I don't have to learn to do anything new. All of the things I want to start doing this year are activities that I already know how to do. You've reached that "aha" moment now, haven't you? That's right, I have created the perfect resolution for a lazy person like myself, just continue doing things I'm already good at. This way come March, when all of those new gym go-ers are fizzling out from exhaustion, I'll still be happily sewing up a bow storm. So take that new year's resolutions, 2011 is gonna be my year.
In other news I am heading off to Vegas in 3 days, I'm breaking in the stilettos as we speak, so watch out Sin City, I'm ready for some fun. I'm hoping to be inspired out of this writers block I have been suffering from, so more frequent posts to come, I promise. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, unless it's just absolutely ridiculous (which if it involves me, it usually is) and then I'll have to blog about it. I hope the new year has treated you all well so far, I look forward to sharing lots of shenanigans in 2011!!!
.
So this year my "resolution" is such: I am going to try and do more things that I LOVE to do this year. Things like reading books, something I rarely do anymore, it's questionable whether I even still know how to read. Hopefully the proof reading of this post will put me back into the swing of things. I also used to make a lot of headbands and bows, for myself and other people (holler NATH!), which I definitely need get back into doing. I haven't worn a bow in my hair in months, and I think those messy curls are getting quite bitter about it. Plus I have a bunch of new ideas, so I need an outlet to pour my creativeness into. I want to start sewing again regularly, and not just for school projects, for all kinds of things, especially the gifts I still owe to people (I'll get to those shirts eventually Dad, Danny, and Jason....i promise), and all the tailoring I apparently have to do for all my friends clothing. And finally I want to spend more time outdoors, hiking, rollerblading, bike riding, etc. All of these things make me happy and therefore they need to be necessities in my 2011.
I think I have gotten off to a good start so far, I went bike riding with my parents just the other day. That was an experience in itself, nothing makes you feel like a third wheel more than being a single bike desperately trying to keep up with my parents on their tandem bicycle. I don't know if they are just in way better shape than I am, I maintain two people on one bike obviously can go faster than one, but I spent the entire ride a good twenty feet behind them. And frantically trying to catch up, which never happened until they stopped. Guess I'll have to do some secret training of my own, if we are going to keep up that Saturday morning tradition.
Anyway, I think the key to this resolution is the fact that I don't have to learn to do anything new. All of the things I want to start doing this year are activities that I already know how to do. You've reached that "aha" moment now, haven't you? That's right, I have created the perfect resolution for a lazy person like myself, just continue doing things I'm already good at. This way come March, when all of those new gym go-ers are fizzling out from exhaustion, I'll still be happily sewing up a bow storm. So take that new year's resolutions, 2011 is gonna be my year.
In other news I am heading off to Vegas in 3 days, I'm breaking in the stilettos as we speak, so watch out Sin City, I'm ready for some fun. I'm hoping to be inspired out of this writers block I have been suffering from, so more frequent posts to come, I promise. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, unless it's just absolutely ridiculous (which if it involves me, it usually is) and then I'll have to blog about it. I hope the new year has treated you all well so far, I look forward to sharing lots of shenanigans in 2011!!!
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