No Habla Espanol

let's just make one thing clear: i am white.

white. white. i mean not just ethnically, but there is no point in pretending that i am not pasty. the continuous haze that permanently sits over San Francisco does nothing for my tan. i have never been a dark person, but since living up north i have definitely reached levels of pale i never knew existed.

so just to reiterate, i am probably one of the whitest people you have ever met. everything about me screams WHITE GIRL! WHITE GIRL! WHITE GIRL! and if there was any doubt in your mind, the minute i open my mouth should probably erase that completely. born and raised valley girl...duh! and if you were still confused, the entire thing could be confirmed when i try and bust a move. rhythm: non existent.

i never really had any issues with people questioning my whiteness until recently. i never even thought this was an issue up for discussion. but all the sudden in the last six months i have had at least 8 people assume I was Hispanic. this i find really weird, because i have no idea what it is about me that suddenly gives off that impression. the first few times people asked i thought it was just a random fluke. then it became really interesting when people would approach me and start speaking to me in Spanish. when my eyes bugged out in confusion, it would prompt them to stop and say "Habla Espanol?" to which i would have to shake my head and reply, "No, not at all." i barely know ANY Spanish, and the few words i do know, come out with an extreme gringa accent. "HOOOOHHHHLA!" "COOOOH MOH!" "ESSSSSSS TAH!" it's absolutely pathetic, and i assume the minute i opened my mouth, these people recoiled in their mistake.

i mean honestly i am flattered. i can't believe anyone who has seen or heard me talk, thinks that i am legit enough to speak a different language. i wish i could be well rounded enough to bust out in some fluent second language, but sadly this is not the case. i'm just Lauren, white girl extraordinaire, no real second languages, no interesting culture to speak of.

i am going to take this whole bizarre occurrence as a challenge: i'm gonna learn Spanish. that way when i go back to LA: where there is no doubt it anyone's mind that i am whiter than a ghost, i can take everyone by surprise. next step, hello rosetta stone.