A Letter, With Love

Dear "Bouncer" at Barney's Beanery,

The most descriptive thing I can say about you, to really encompasses that pleasurable personality, is that you are a huge dick. I'd really like to give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume you were trying to joke around about the situation, but it's obvious that if this was the case, your delivery needs some severe work. I understand that checking ID's at the door is a serious issue, but your apparent dedication and thoroughness to the job is absurd. I'm thinking you need a hobby, that way you can invest some of the passion into something healthier, and less of a nuisance to me. 

First off, I know you knew the minute you scanned the black light over the ID that it was real. There really aren't questions about that. I even excuse your need to shine your light right up in my face to make sure my eyes were really blue. The picture on my ID looks almost exactly like me. Oh wait, that's because it IS me. Not even 15 year old me, it's me like 20 year old me. I have the same hair color, pretty much the same cut and style, and I even took the time to straighten it last night which should have avoided any confusion. Never have I had such an issue with proving my own identity.

My opinion of you took a turn for the worse when you insisted I present you with a credit card with a matching name. "Really?!" It became obvious to me at that point that you don't seem to be very well educated because it took you a while to read and confirm the name. I understand it's difficult because my debit card says Lauren E. Welden, whereas my drivers license says Lauren Elizabeth Welden. It's a challenge, and I'm mildly happy that you were able to pull through in triumph.  But it wasn't enough to convince you. You know what, let me just throw my social security number you way, and then I'll write you a personal check. There's always room for a checkbook in my going out clutch. I hope they taught you how to compare signatures!

But what really cemented my disdain was after I showed you both my ID and credit card,you proceeded to ask me what my zodiac sign was. I hope to God that you are also a fellow Aries, because I find it extremely pathetic, that as a dedication to your job, you have memorized the time frames of each of the zodiac signs. I find your love for reading horoscopes an extremely emasculating trait. And I don't think I'll be completely alone in this feeling.

While to a small extent I am flattered that you possibly thought I was underage, I don't really appreciate being belittled and made to feel like a delinquent juvenile when just wanting something to eat for dinner. I'm pretty positive you just get some sort of pleasure in giving people a hard time. It's called a power complex, you should probably look into getting some help for that. FYI, being able to turn people away from a bar does not make you King of Everything. For future reference, the least you can do after making a girl stand outside for any length of time proving her identity, is throw her a smile or wink. I'll just have to take my gluten free business to a different Barney's, one that has less of a douche manning the door.

Much Love,
elle dub

midnight madness

As you can tell, I like to write a lot about my family. I guess you could say they inspire me. While I have said many things about my parents, I have yet to spend any real time talking about my siblings, my brothers in particular. (Don't get too excited Tommy and Bobby, the entire post isn't going to be about you.) Anyway for lack of a better word my brothers are kind of Star Wars nerds, in a cool gangsta way of course. Which is pretty limited being they are two white guys, but that's just a whole different story. Since they are seven years older than me, and at some point in my life I was young and impressionable, and not nearly as wise as I am now, I wanted to be just like them. Cut to elementary school Lauren in basketball shorts and a huge Nike basketball shirt. Again, a whole other part of my life we could tap into at a different time. But the point still stays the same, I wanted to do whatever "cool" things they did too.

 Straight up!

I'm pretty sure Star Wars (or Star Trek for that matter) put midnight showings of movies on the map. Because only people with enough passion for the characters and their fictional world, would be crazy enough to spend hours camping out to see a movie that won't be over til almost two thirty in the morning. And it's through that exact portal that midnight movies were introduced into my life. My brothers had that passion. Not quite the "full Chewbacca get up, camping multiple days" passion, but enough that we spent time in line, waiting with five hundred of our favorite Star Wars loving friends, to see the movies. Which I am almost positive I slept through parts of. In high school I was an amateur, I didn't have the right late night mentality. Obviously college has more than fixed that for me. Then of course comic book movies became the craze, and all the big ones started being released at midnight (anything to push those weekend box office totals!). So Star Wars turned into Pirates of the Caribbean, Superman, Batman, Iron Man, HARRY POTTER, and so many more. And unfortunately it would be a big lie if I left out the Twilight Saga.

But, since midnight movies has become such a trend, they practically release everything at 12:01 now. Back in San Francisco, my lovely roomie Kimi at Tv Snobbery and I, became midnight regulars. The reasoning behind it is genius if you ask me; if the movie isn't a huge release, practically NO ONE goes to see the movie at midnight. Which includes cranky kids forced to stay up past their bedtime, our ultimate pet peeve. It cracks me up that parents can't figure out why their kids are crying through the entire movie, I'm no expert but it might be because it's four hours past their bedtime, and they just don't care about Ashton Kutcher's half naked body as much as you apparently do. Midnight movies became SO much more enjoyable not having to deal with people on their cell phones, or kids throwing temper tantrums down the aisles. It was pure bliss. Of course this only applies to the smaller movies we saw, like Adventureland, Hairspray, or The Runaways. Popular movies are a whole different ballpark:

On Thursday night, Kimaaaay and I decided to go see Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. Sounded like a great plan, but what I didn't for see was how popular this movie was gonna be. A duh Lauren!! It's based on a graphic novel. Well silly me was just looking forward to a little laughing with Michael Cera and Jason Schwartzman, but what I really got was a fun filled evening with a hundred of my graphic novel loving friends. I'll break it down for you:

After making a trip to the market to get snacks and magazines we walk into the mall, purchase our tickets and go up to the theater at about ten forty to get seats. (Not because we thought it would be packed, but because I got off work and the theatre is right there). Turns our we weren't even close to being the first people there. It was pretty crowded. Immediately I realize everyone is of high school age, I discover this due to the volume at which they were shouting. Remember when you were in high school and you talked really loudly to get attention from people? No...that was just me? Hmmm. Anyway, everyone is obnoxiously screaming. Thinking they're being cool of course, which just makes me cringe. I try and steer clear of reminding myself how obnoxious I possibly once was at that age. Now pair that with the naivety, and I am just raging with embarrassment. I feel bad for kids in high school who think they know everything, there is just so much more out there, they are unaware of, I had an urge to tell them to just calm down and be patient. (Johnny's gonna grow up to be a douchebag anyway, so no need to shout obscenities at the screen just so he notices you!) Not to mention it wasn't really my type of crowd. I was outcast due to my lack of beanie with animal ears and striped knee socks. I opened my giant issue of Glamour and tried to focus on all the hair/makeup/dating/health tips and avoid any eye contact, so as not to have my lack of geekiness discovered.

Overall the movie was actually really enjoyable. Once I got over all the screaming and cheering from the crowd (IT'S A MOVIE, THEY CAN'T HEAR YOU!) I was also tired and freeeeezing in the theater, which probably attributed greatly to my crankiness. I think I learned that I should definitely do some more research into movies before I decide to see them at midnight.... during the summer....when school is out of session. It was clear we were some of the very few in the over 21 crowd. I tried my best to talk loudly, but it hurts my aging ears. Even Kimi, a fellow nerd, was out of place. I mean here I always thought she put forth all of her passion into her love for sci fi, but it's clear she's been half ass-ing it. Which I think is A-OK. Cause I kinda like her the way she is.

As for my brothers....since I know you are all wondering. They have mellowed in their old age. Not nearly as intense as they once were, but still very avid fans of the Star Wars franchise. And don't forget those Ninja Turtles! Thanks to them I probably know a little more about Star Wars than you do, and I have developed quite a healthy love for comic book movies. And I'm hot. That's right, I'm the perfect girl. Oh juuuust kidding. Up next for sure on the midnight movie list: AAAAARRRYYY POTTTAAAHHH and the Deathly Hallows. Now there's a crowd I can put on my glasses and lightening bolt and get behind.

Oh those crazy kids.  

What Color You Like??

I rarely get my nails done. I like having manicured nails and toes, but I practically never pay for them to be done and this is why:

1. I seriously think I have the most easily chippable nails in the world. I swear I can sit down with my wrists shackled down to the chair and I would still manage to nick a nail, causing a obvious space of missing polish. So I figure if I am capable of cutting and filing my own nails, not to mention have a pretty steady hand when it comes to painting them, why not just do them myself. It saves me money, and I don't feel like it's as much of a waste if I chip them instaneously.

2. I am ridiculously ticklish. Everywhere. And this includes having someone rub lotion up and down my arms and especially my feet and legs. For the safety of everyone involved, it's just better if I avoid these sort of situations. I assume the manicurist would not enjoy taking a foot to her face, as I twitch uncontrollably in laughter.

3. Lastly, I think I just lack that girl gene that makes getting "pampered" something I love to do. I mean I love to do my hair and make up and my own nails, but I get really uncomfortable when other people do them for me. It's probably my awkwardness getting nervous about having to make conversation about life, etc. I am very independent, and I hate relying on other people to get things done. Every now and then it is nice to have your eyebrows done, or cuticles cut back, but I am pretty decent at maintaing them in between the occasional visits. I mean I have yet to have any real complaints on my overall appearance. (With the exception of my horribly tacky taste sometimes...an inevitable characteristic of a creative mind.)

But despite all of these very logical reasons, I was seduced by the idea of catching up with friends I hadn't seen in a while, and found myself at a local nail salon with two of my good friends.

As all three of us arrive and congregate for our quick hellos, they whisk my two friends off to get their treatments started right away. I figured this would be good, because I was only intending to have my toes done. (I have to do a lot of work tomorrow involving opening boxes and moving things around, and I just know my nails will be destroyed in the process.) So I sit in the waiting area alone, where I proceed to be talked into playing "pet shop" by the little daughter of one of the manicurists. She was just so cute and I'm a sucker for little kids. After about fifteen minutes on being scolded by the adorable three year old, I just wasn't playing the game correctly, it's finally my turn to get started.

They tell me to sit in the massage spa chair in the corner, isolated from my friends, which immediately put an end to us catching up with each other. One women proceeds to to set up a manicure station as my feet are soaking. I try to stop her by saying "Oh I just want my toes done." Her grand rebuttal was "but we do it all at the same time." I was still hesitant, but it only took her about a minute more of pestering before I caved. So there I sit in this giant chair, with one woman working on my nails and the other on my toes. Both are criticizing the obvious lack of care I have for having my "digits" done professionally on a regular basis. (And people wonder why this isn't an enjoyable experience for me.) Then they insist on turning the massage chair on, which just made me break out into hysterics over the whole situation. I'm sitting there in this big black chair being jumbled around, gyrating, and pushed back and forth, while the two women mumble to each other. Grumpily, it takes them a couple minutes longer because I want the same color on my nails and toes, and of course there is only one bottle. After twenty minutes of being criticized and thrown around in the chair, I am finally done, and they don't waste any time in getting me up and out and on my way.

Low and behold, as we're getting pushed out the door, I scramble for my sunglasses and smudge a nail. Awesome. Money well spent. I think for now, I'll stick to my own mani/pedi's. I rarely talk trash on the state of my own nails, or question my lack of a boyfriend.

I think Anjelah Johnson says it best in her stand up routine. It's funny because it's true. Oh so true.

Helloooo Southern US! We are arriving!

In October, my freshman year formal date, lake walking buddy, and former college roomie Beth is getting married. (The first of all our college friends!) In Arkansas! My pal and fellow LA dweller, Kimi, and I thought what a great excuse not only to see old friends, but to also take a trip to somewhere in the U.S that we have never been. I have done a lot of traveling across the seas, but I definitely want to see more of the United States. We figured since we are going to be out there anyway, maybe there are some different cities and states we could tack on to the trip, turning it into a wild raging adventure. After minimal research we found that low and behold New Orleans is only 600 miles-ish from where the wedding is! Perfection.

We have been discussing the possibility of a road trip from Louisiana to Arkansas for a few months now, and I was always skeptical about it really happening. I always knew we'd make it to the wedding, but I wasn't sure if we would get ourselves together quick enough to organize the rest of the week long trip. Well yesterday we decided to make it happen and officially booked our plane tickets. So watch out land of deep fried everything! The glu-tards are coming for you!

We both couldn't be more excited. Not only have we not seen Beth in what will probably be a year or so (wow, really? Is that true....fact checker please!) but I have never been to most of the places we plan to head on this adventure. So far nothing is really set, all we know is that we're landing in New Orleans on October 4th, renting a car, and then flying out of Tulsa on October 10th. The middle part is still up in the air. (well actually on land, since that's the part of the venture we'll be road tripping) Obviously there is still a lot of work to be done, and any advice or suggestions are greatly welcomed!!

According to our AAA trip tick we are going to be driving through Jackson, Memphis, and Little Rock, with the possibility in staying overnight in any of those cities, so please help us out with any suggestions of places that need to be stayed in or things that need to be seen!

This is my first real big trip without adult supervision. Haha. Well, other than Kimi and I supervising ourselves. I guess I unfortunately have to admit that I'm at least a little bit adult nowadays. It's sure to be an extraordinary journey, and I cannot wait to finish it off with seeing one of my favorite people beautifully glide down the aisle. (And I mean beautifully, so I hope you're practicing that saunter Beth!)

And seriously people don't hold back on the suggestions...we're gonna need them. I don't want to risk missing the biggest ball of twine or something! That would be an EPIC fail in Kodak opportunities.