Today I broke my bed. I literally sat down and the entire front half of my bed collapsed. Okay, okay, maybe there was a little bit of pep in my "sit down", but it's not like I haven't ever done that before. I always like to add some pep into everything I do. This isn't the first time I have jumped into my cozy bed, but I'm guessing it will probably be my last. You know, because now my bed is halfway on the floor...
So if you're looking for something to smile at this evening, think of me, hopping into bed, crashing down, and then rolling right off that downward slope on to the floor. Serves me right for feeling skinny this morning. Guess I need to cut back on those carbs or maybe I need to invest in a bed that isn't put together with a baby sized allen wrench...
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Stupid Retail Question of the Day
"Do I have to wait in that line to return this stuff?!"
yeah! yeah you do. you might have missed the memo, but today is the biggest shopping return day of the year. of course the lines are going to be long. and of course everyone will be returning things. so it gets complicated and lengthy. did you think you were just going to walk into the store, mid day on the Saturday after Christmas, prance right over the register and get everything taken care of in under 5 minutes?! at the time it would have been inappropriate to say to your face, but you're delusional! hellooooooooo! when are returns ever easy? let alone on such a crazy day. if impatience is your best trait, possibly that return wasn't absolutely detrimental next time maybe use your brain to think about things first. then i won't have to pollute my mind with your stupid questions.
yeah! yeah you do. you might have missed the memo, but today is the biggest shopping return day of the year. of course the lines are going to be long. and of course everyone will be returning things. so it gets complicated and lengthy. did you think you were just going to walk into the store, mid day on the Saturday after Christmas, prance right over the register and get everything taken care of in under 5 minutes?! at the time it would have been inappropriate to say to your face, but you're delusional! hellooooooooo! when are returns ever easy? let alone on such a crazy day. if impatience is your best trait, possibly that return wasn't absolutely detrimental next time maybe use your brain to think about things first. then i won't have to pollute my mind with your stupid questions.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Good Thing I Loosened that Lid For You
i have a major problem opening things. it seriously seems like everything is "Lauren Proof," which is even worse than child proof. my issue is so bad, that it is actually a step below childproof, but only to me, most likely a child would not have my kind of problems.
when i say opening things, i mean everything: doors, spaghetti sauce jars, a bag of gummy bears from disneyland, chips, the wrapper on my sandwich...it never ends. and my friends and family LOVE to make fun of me. i'm pretty sure if it's a dull day, they'll purposely throw things my way to open. they all know i'll be a big failure, but it's some comical relief to watch me struggle. there is nothing more enthralling than watching Lauren apply all her strength only to fail, and then watch someone else effortlessly peel apart that ziploc baggie. i know what you're thinking, with entertainment like that, i lead a top notch EXCITING life.
anyway to keep with that holiday spirit, here is my most recent opening dilemma. so i went out and bought advent calendars. the cheap kind with the plastic and cardboard tasting chocolate, that you had as kids. they have a sentimental value to me, and i thought it would be great to have one this year. i'm almost positive that they are intended for young children, so you wouldn't think that a fully functional twenty two year old could have issues, but hey, it's me, and that is just my life.
so one night i come home excited to enjoy my delicious chocolate, when i open the box and to my disappointment discover that the chocolate is not laying in it's beautiful plastic mold. so i try to peel up the cardboard covering to figure out where the chocolate has taken refuge. in the midst of my problem solving i had a sheer moment of stupidity...a rarity for me of course. i was trying to tilt the box so the light would shine where i needed to see, and i tilted it way too far, and ALL the chocolates fell out of their places and slid everywhere! this wouldn't be too much of a catastrophe if it was the 22nd and there were only two chocolates left, but of course i did this on the 4th ish, and there was plenty of chocolate to move around. so now instead of a flat little box with doors, i know had a lumpy mountainous looking thing, with every chocolate out of place.
in this type of situation panic is the appropriate action. so that's what i did. i frantically tried to push any chocolate back into a door (all without opening doors that hadn't previously been opened....because that is breaking the advent calendar rules!) after about ten minutes of futzing i just gave up and let the chocolates settle where the "earthquake" had left them. for all the other days i had to open the door and then fish a chocolate out from somewhere to enjoy for that glorious December day.
immediately i concluded that this must be a common issue people deal with, and in confronting my three other friends with advent calendars, i discovered that this is NOT in fact a problem that anyone other than myself has. obviously my inablility to open things will continue to plague my future endeavors....maybe that's a real medical issue i can have diagnosed....
when i say opening things, i mean everything: doors, spaghetti sauce jars, a bag of gummy bears from disneyland, chips, the wrapper on my sandwich...it never ends. and my friends and family LOVE to make fun of me. i'm pretty sure if it's a dull day, they'll purposely throw things my way to open. they all know i'll be a big failure, but it's some comical relief to watch me struggle. there is nothing more enthralling than watching Lauren apply all her strength only to fail, and then watch someone else effortlessly peel apart that ziploc baggie. i know what you're thinking, with entertainment like that, i lead a top notch EXCITING life.
anyway to keep with that holiday spirit, here is my most recent opening dilemma. so i went out and bought advent calendars. the cheap kind with the plastic and cardboard tasting chocolate, that you had as kids. they have a sentimental value to me, and i thought it would be great to have one this year. i'm almost positive that they are intended for young children, so you wouldn't think that a fully functional twenty two year old could have issues, but hey, it's me, and that is just my life.
so one night i come home excited to enjoy my delicious chocolate, when i open the box and to my disappointment discover that the chocolate is not laying in it's beautiful plastic mold. so i try to peel up the cardboard covering to figure out where the chocolate has taken refuge. in the midst of my problem solving i had a sheer moment of stupidity...a rarity for me of course. i was trying to tilt the box so the light would shine where i needed to see, and i tilted it way too far, and ALL the chocolates fell out of their places and slid everywhere! this wouldn't be too much of a catastrophe if it was the 22nd and there were only two chocolates left, but of course i did this on the 4th ish, and there was plenty of chocolate to move around. so now instead of a flat little box with doors, i know had a lumpy mountainous looking thing, with every chocolate out of place.
in this type of situation panic is the appropriate action. so that's what i did. i frantically tried to push any chocolate back into a door (all without opening doors that hadn't previously been opened....because that is breaking the advent calendar rules!) after about ten minutes of futzing i just gave up and let the chocolates settle where the "earthquake" had left them. for all the other days i had to open the door and then fish a chocolate out from somewhere to enjoy for that glorious December day.
immediately i concluded that this must be a common issue people deal with, and in confronting my three other friends with advent calendars, i discovered that this is NOT in fact a problem that anyone other than myself has. obviously my inablility to open things will continue to plague my future endeavors....maybe that's a real medical issue i can have diagnosed....
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Ho Ho Ho
Merry Christmas to All! And to All a Good Night!
i hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday, and that Santa doesn't forget the essentials: i've really been holding out for that deodorant, toothbrush, and hairspray that might show up in my stocking!!
i hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday, and that Santa doesn't forget the essentials: i've really been holding out for that deodorant, toothbrush, and hairspray that might show up in my stocking!!
Monday, December 21, 2009
WARNING!
Having a vast 5 months of retail experience, I pretty much consider myself very knowledgeable on the subject. At first I couldn't understand how stores could get so messy and how consumers could turn into vicious animals at the glance of a "sale" sign. But then I discovered the worst predator of all, the one that makes the hair on your arms stick up, the one that makes your eyes bug out at sight, the one that has you fleeing to your mother...
The dreaded One Handed Shopper!
Now let's clear a couple things up: I'm not talking about someone who physically only has one hand, I am not trying to be politically incorrect in talking about the disabled. I, on the other hand (no pun intended, or maybe pun was intended) am speaking of consumers who shop with only half focus, because their other hand is preoccupied with a cell phone conversation, or holding their child's leash, or carrying the fifteen other shopping bags they have. These are people who destroy stores, who turn your neatly folded shirts into unrecognizable piles.
Retailers beware!!
These one handed monstrosities are the most dreadful creatures. They walk around stores like they own the place, too high and mighty to even bother cleaning up after their storm. So to all those one handed shoppers, here is what I have to say to you:
REALLY?!
get your priorities in order! either you want to shop, or you want to talk on the phone. multitasking saves time, i get it, but honestly you're barely focused on either of the tasks your doing, and you are doing poorly in both of them. and what is it about walking around a store while on the phone that entices you to touch EVERYTING? are you talking to the devil? is he saying "now touch the polos, okay good, now touch the tank tops, small, medium AND large" if you're not gonna buy it, which i can tell you, you aren't, just be the bigger person and walk past it. enjoy it with your eyes. they deserve a treat every once in a while.
if you're child needs to be on a leash, then he should not be shopping with you. or maybe out in public for that matter. next time, try going to a baby store, that way you can shop for a stroller, and then take your child out with some dignity. leashes are for dogs, not children. side note: that ten foot retractable leash you have your child attached to ties up one of your hands, but none of your child's. so while you're wreaking one handed havoc over my store, you're kid is following by example...in the section across the way.
if you have fifteen shopping bags; go home! you have enough stuff. you have lost all aerodynamics, and with those bags you can kiss your agility goodbye. there is nothing like trying to weasel through a crowd when you have added 2 feet of width to your either side. while i do respect the talent and true athleticism it takes to balance all those bags, while still being able to browse other stores, i do not respect the fact that you just picked off each folded shirt one by one and created a mush pot in the middle of the table.
so next time you're out and about shopping, remember, USE BOTH HANDS! you might even be surprised in how much more efficient it can be...
The dreaded One Handed Shopper!
Now let's clear a couple things up: I'm not talking about someone who physically only has one hand, I am not trying to be politically incorrect in talking about the disabled. I, on the other hand (no pun intended, or maybe pun was intended) am speaking of consumers who shop with only half focus, because their other hand is preoccupied with a cell phone conversation, or holding their child's leash, or carrying the fifteen other shopping bags they have. These are people who destroy stores, who turn your neatly folded shirts into unrecognizable piles.
Retailers beware!!
These one handed monstrosities are the most dreadful creatures. They walk around stores like they own the place, too high and mighty to even bother cleaning up after their storm. So to all those one handed shoppers, here is what I have to say to you:
REALLY?!
get your priorities in order! either you want to shop, or you want to talk on the phone. multitasking saves time, i get it, but honestly you're barely focused on either of the tasks your doing, and you are doing poorly in both of them. and what is it about walking around a store while on the phone that entices you to touch EVERYTING? are you talking to the devil? is he saying "now touch the polos, okay good, now touch the tank tops, small, medium AND large" if you're not gonna buy it, which i can tell you, you aren't, just be the bigger person and walk past it. enjoy it with your eyes. they deserve a treat every once in a while.
if you're child needs to be on a leash, then he should not be shopping with you. or maybe out in public for that matter. next time, try going to a baby store, that way you can shop for a stroller, and then take your child out with some dignity. leashes are for dogs, not children. side note: that ten foot retractable leash you have your child attached to ties up one of your hands, but none of your child's. so while you're wreaking one handed havoc over my store, you're kid is following by example...in the section across the way.
if you have fifteen shopping bags; go home! you have enough stuff. you have lost all aerodynamics, and with those bags you can kiss your agility goodbye. there is nothing like trying to weasel through a crowd when you have added 2 feet of width to your either side. while i do respect the talent and true athleticism it takes to balance all those bags, while still being able to browse other stores, i do not respect the fact that you just picked off each folded shirt one by one and created a mush pot in the middle of the table.
so next time you're out and about shopping, remember, USE BOTH HANDS! you might even be surprised in how much more efficient it can be...
To my Loyal Readers,
It has been an unacceptably long period of time since my last blog. and for that i apologize profusely. i have had some major computer technical issues, that have for the moment finally been sorted out. but don't worry, even though i was without a computer for a while, i still have managed to lead the ridiculous life that hopefully humors you all. so even though i might not deserve it, please stay tuned, i'll try my very best to keep you entertained.
Love Always,
Lauren
Love Always,
Lauren
Saturday, December 5, 2009
DECEMBER! Part Deux
i know you are all writing in suspense as to what happened Christmas 06. well to recap, lets start with MOE. MOE is something my sister and i created to have Maximum Opening Efficiency Christmas morning. Basically it boiled down to my sister and I "slyly" organizing the gifts by name so we could get to them and get them opened with the least amount of time wasted. although this idea was ingenious, turns out, we weren't as slick about it as we thought. my parents caught on pretty quickly and it wasn't long before MOE saw a huge defeat with Christmas 06.
(on a side note, because I feel it really adds essence to the story, remember that I am most definitely already in college during both of these Christmases. obviously it would take SOME college education to come up with MOE, that's not something just any Joe Schmoe can think up).
this Christmas started out like any other. excitement, joy, anticipation. my sister and i were really ready to take MOE to the next level, we were going to have the most efficient ripping through gifts in the history of ripping through gifts. at seven am, we were up and ready to look through our stockings and set out to the living room to asses the tree. after a few moments of enjoying our new toothbrushes, deodorant, lifesaver storybooks, and chap-stick (all dub family stocking favorites) we bounced with excitement to the living room. of course we both paused to take in that first magical look of the different colorful boxes laying under the tree. (seriously, no matter your age, it never gets old.) then it was time to get down to business. as we crept up to the tree to do our first in depth look, we both noticed the boxes and turned to each other perplexed...
"WHAT THE EFFFFF???"
and there, on every present, instead of a neatly written name tag, signed cleverly from Santa, all we saw were black sharpie written NUMBERS!
"HOW DO WE KNOW WHICH GIFTS ARE OURS?!"
and at that exact moment we had to surrender and bow down to our parents. i almost wish there had been a hidden camera in the tree because i am sure the looks on our faces were priceless. well played mom and dad! well played!
well there went the activity we had planned to kill time before everyone else got up. so we reluctantly headed back to our stockings and sat and watched TV to pass the half hour. finally my brothers arrived and my parents got up, and they knew we had been defeated. we took our Christmas hugs while receiving the smug look of victory on my parents faces...and we just had to hang our heads in shame. but hey...at least it was present time riiiiight?!
wrong. always wrong.
it was trivia time. Christmas trivia time. want a gift? gotta answer a trivia question correctly and then my dad would give you the number of the present you were to open. i cannot make this stuff up.
"What character says the phrase Bah Humbug!"
"Ebenezer Scrooge from A Christmas Carol!!"
"Correct Lauren!, you can go pick up number 12!"
i kid you not, this is how the rest of the morning proceeded. And let me tell you, my brothers and sister and I do NOT know that much about Christmas. the one thing i do have to say is: good thing my parents waited until we were older to pull this fast one, because at least i appreciate the shrewd cleverness of the entire event.
lesson learned: my sister and i need to be a little more cunning and elusive when it comes to our crazy Christmas antics. and also, maybe, we shouldn't try and put one over on mom and dad. maybe...
(on a side note, because I feel it really adds essence to the story, remember that I am most definitely already in college during both of these Christmases. obviously it would take SOME college education to come up with MOE, that's not something just any Joe Schmoe can think up).
this Christmas started out like any other. excitement, joy, anticipation. my sister and i were really ready to take MOE to the next level, we were going to have the most efficient ripping through gifts in the history of ripping through gifts. at seven am, we were up and ready to look through our stockings and set out to the living room to asses the tree. after a few moments of enjoying our new toothbrushes, deodorant, lifesaver storybooks, and chap-stick (all dub family stocking favorites) we bounced with excitement to the living room. of course we both paused to take in that first magical look of the different colorful boxes laying under the tree. (seriously, no matter your age, it never gets old.) then it was time to get down to business. as we crept up to the tree to do our first in depth look, we both noticed the boxes and turned to each other perplexed...
"WHAT THE EFFFFF???"
and there, on every present, instead of a neatly written name tag, signed cleverly from Santa, all we saw were black sharpie written NUMBERS!
"HOW DO WE KNOW WHICH GIFTS ARE OURS?!"
and at that exact moment we had to surrender and bow down to our parents. i almost wish there had been a hidden camera in the tree because i am sure the looks on our faces were priceless. well played mom and dad! well played!
well there went the activity we had planned to kill time before everyone else got up. so we reluctantly headed back to our stockings and sat and watched TV to pass the half hour. finally my brothers arrived and my parents got up, and they knew we had been defeated. we took our Christmas hugs while receiving the smug look of victory on my parents faces...and we just had to hang our heads in shame. but hey...at least it was present time riiiiight?!
wrong. always wrong.
it was trivia time. Christmas trivia time. want a gift? gotta answer a trivia question correctly and then my dad would give you the number of the present you were to open. i cannot make this stuff up.
"What character says the phrase Bah Humbug!"
"Ebenezer Scrooge from A Christmas Carol!!"
"Correct Lauren!, you can go pick up number 12!"
i kid you not, this is how the rest of the morning proceeded. And let me tell you, my brothers and sister and I do NOT know that much about Christmas. the one thing i do have to say is: good thing my parents waited until we were older to pull this fast one, because at least i appreciate the shrewd cleverness of the entire event.
lesson learned: my sister and i need to be a little more cunning and elusive when it comes to our crazy Christmas antics. and also, maybe, we shouldn't try and put one over on mom and dad. maybe...
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
DECEMBER!
It's December!!
You know what that means?! The holiday season is upon us! I LOVE LOVE LOVE the holidays. Despite being a half Jew, my favorite holiday hands down is Christmas. I just love the magic. Even though I am twenty two years old, I absolutely love going to bed with an empty Christmas tree and waking up with it filled with colorfully wrapped presents. Luckily I have pretty flippin awesome parents, who still feed into the whole magical presents appearing in the middle of the night thing, despite the fact that all four of their children are adults. (at least age wise).
Every year at Christmas my sister and I would wake up really early and go get our stockings and rifle through all the goodies in there. Then we would manage to pass some time either going back to sleep or watching some Christmas movies. We weren't allowed to wake our parents up until 8 to do presents, so considering we were ravaging our stockings at 3 am, there was some definite time to kill. This is where we created MOE.
MOE stands for Maximum Opening Efficiency, something we felt was absolutely crucial to Christmas morning. We would go out at like seven ish, look over all the gifts and then slyly try to organize them by name, that way we didn't have to search all over for our gifts, and risk missing or losing one. Obviously we were not very slick in this endeavor because my parents immediately realized and it has been their mission to destroy MOE for the last few years.
The Christmas after my sister and I got caught MOE-ing our gifts, we were definitely in for a rude awakening. Who knew my parents had such a vivid memory, and I'll tell you I did not see this one coming. Our entire morning was going according to plan, we got up, went out to get our stockings in the dining room, and when we bounced over to take a quick glance into the living room, we were accosted by this:
My parents had wrapped the entire open wall that leads into the living room with wrapping paper. I think this was one of the few times my jaw actually dropped. And I can't even be mad, all I have to say is touche mom and dad touche! we had to patiently wait until everyone else woke up and arrived before we watched my brother walk right through the paper into the glorious magic that is christmas morning. But if you think that was witty, the next year put this one to shame...
stay tuned for Christmas 06, it was a doozy.
You know what that means?! The holiday season is upon us! I LOVE LOVE LOVE the holidays. Despite being a half Jew, my favorite holiday hands down is Christmas. I just love the magic. Even though I am twenty two years old, I absolutely love going to bed with an empty Christmas tree and waking up with it filled with colorfully wrapped presents. Luckily I have pretty flippin awesome parents, who still feed into the whole magical presents appearing in the middle of the night thing, despite the fact that all four of their children are adults. (at least age wise).
Every year at Christmas my sister and I would wake up really early and go get our stockings and rifle through all the goodies in there. Then we would manage to pass some time either going back to sleep or watching some Christmas movies. We weren't allowed to wake our parents up until 8 to do presents, so considering we were ravaging our stockings at 3 am, there was some definite time to kill. This is where we created MOE.
MOE stands for Maximum Opening Efficiency, something we felt was absolutely crucial to Christmas morning. We would go out at like seven ish, look over all the gifts and then slyly try to organize them by name, that way we didn't have to search all over for our gifts, and risk missing or losing one. Obviously we were not very slick in this endeavor because my parents immediately realized and it has been their mission to destroy MOE for the last few years.
The Christmas after my sister and I got caught MOE-ing our gifts, we were definitely in for a rude awakening. Who knew my parents had such a vivid memory, and I'll tell you I did not see this one coming. Our entire morning was going according to plan, we got up, went out to get our stockings in the dining room, and when we bounced over to take a quick glance into the living room, we were accosted by this:
My parents had wrapped the entire open wall that leads into the living room with wrapping paper. I think this was one of the few times my jaw actually dropped. And I can't even be mad, all I have to say is touche mom and dad touche! we had to patiently wait until everyone else woke up and arrived before we watched my brother walk right through the paper into the glorious magic that is christmas morning. But if you think that was witty, the next year put this one to shame...
stay tuned for Christmas 06, it was a doozy.
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