i have always been intrigued by black Friday. i mean people go NUTS so there really must be some great deals out there. i personally have never gone shopping on that lovely day after thanksgiving, most years i spend it in a food coma, from overeating the night before, but i do know that the people who do get up for those CRAZY deals are hardcore. this year i was blessed enough to spend black Friday working...in retail, and that was experience enough for me. for those of you who are interested in partaking in the black Friday madness, here are some words of wisdom i have compiled from my experience a few days ago:
first off, let me start by defining black Friday, that way you are fully aware of what you are getting yourself into. BLACK FRIDAY IS THE BIGGEST SHOPPING DAY OF THE YEAR!! retailers slash prices like crazy!! items become half off, sometimes more. expensive things are not nearly as expensive anymore, sometimes they are free. customers camp out, and stampede, and push and shove, people HAVE DIED. that nice old lady you helped cross the street just took her cane to your head, because you invaded her space in her attempt to get a tickle me Elmo. trust no one! this day is not for the faint hearted. it is utter madness!! MADNESS!!
now that we have cleared that up, here are my tips:
1. If you have forgotten the date, and you are just casually spending your Friday off looking for a few items to spruce up your wardrobe, go home now. for your own safety this is not the place for perusing. a couple items are in no way worth the hour and a half you might spend in line.
2. While it is important to teach your children to be frugal, bringing your 3 year old shopping at 3 am is unnecessary. He is not crying in excitement over the AMAZING deals, he is wailing out of lack of sleep...because he is THREE! no one sympathizes that you can't get him to shut up, we all now have migraines.
3. Lines will be long. Except it. Embrace it. Do not throw your items at a sales customer while yelling at her about the ridiculous wait. I'm sorry, the store is not actually built to accommodate 400 customers at once. And unfortunately, the 50 other magical extra registers we have are all broken...tough break.
4. Despite whatever turmoil exists in the store, throwing things on the floor is still NOT OKAY. just an FYI. don't be such a disgrace to your mother, effing pick it up and put it on top of the disastrous pile already on the table.
5. Complaining is unnecessary. are you blind? do you think the reason things are running slow, and not smoothly are because there are about 400 other people in the store? i mean that might have a little something to do with it...
6. A customer free hallway of go backs is NOT your own personal store. There is a reason there is one employee in there, frantically trying to put it back on hangers...so we can get it back in the store. then you can shop it. and when asked to please leave that hallway, please do so with a little less huffing and eye rolling.
7. Similarly, an employee pushing a cart of folded shirts, is not your signal to attack and ravage.
8. Lastly, despite that fact that the little Jew inside of you is telling you to SAVE SAVE SAVE! remember you are not an animal, and that five dollar shirt is just not worth the loss of your dignity.
hopefully your sponge of a mind has really soaked in these tips, and next black Friday we can all grab our deals with elegance and grace!
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
walking on sunshine
i walk incredibly fast.
i think this stems from the fact that i absolutely hate to be late, so i am always in a rush to make sure i am on time. the funny thing is, my irrational fear of being late, combined with my overcompensation in walking, makes me absurdly early ALL the time. so much so that i almost consider it a flaw. i am always having to find ways to kill ten of fifteen minutes, because showing up to work a half hour early is just unacceptable.
anyway i think my power walking is starting to cause me some more health issues. it's possible that my knees and hips are starting to go, which isn't really surprising, since this hot body of mine functions like an 80 year old. for those of you confused, i have all sorts of health problems, knees and hips would just be cherries on top of the delicious sundae that is my life.
the main issue i'm always in limbo about is my back. i've been to so many doctors, and tried so many things, but i guess it's something i'll just continue to live with. this one time i did physical therapy, but physical therapy at the school health center. which really amounts to a doctor, and a grad student helping me out. i am all for the learning experience, obviously someone needs to practice somewhere, but eventually i couldn't handle it anymore. they would talk about me as if i wasn't in the room. it was like a pop quiz every day, and i didn't know any of the answers, and it seems the grad student didn't either.
Doc: "so she has shooting pains down her legs, and dull pain in her back, and every once in a while she throws it out, so she must have...."
Grad Student: "ummmm sciatica...??
Doc: "okay and....?
alright people, i can't take the build up anymore. just give it to me straight! i don't have time to learn the lesson here, i need to know whats wrong with me!
the killer point was when i went in for my consultation, after they looked at my MRI they had me walk barefoot laps around the health center so they could asses my ability to walk. as if power walking laps in hospital gown shorts wasn't embarrassing enough (i mean i DO go to this school, and so do ALOT of people i know) they proceeded to have this shocked discussion. i kid you not they stood there with puzzled expressions, brushing their chins in thought...
Grad Student:"hmmmm interesting"
Doc: "yes very intriguing..."
then they would turn to me,
Doc: "do you ever have trouble walking?"
Me: "umm not really, i actually walk quite fast?"
Doc: "huh, and you never fall because your legs collapse underneath you?"
Me: "what!? no....should they?"
Doc: "oh no no reason, (turns to grad student) this is very interesting indeed!"
and after three or four sessions i still never figured out what my problem is. maybe i should really stop power walking, since apparently my body shouldn't be able to handle it. but hey, if i stopped walking so fast, i would really cut off a large source of things people can make fun of me for. and who doesn't want to watch the dumb power walking girls legs collapse as she falls on her face. seriously the things i do to entertain you all!! i'm a saint.
on a side note: happy turkey day!
i think this stems from the fact that i absolutely hate to be late, so i am always in a rush to make sure i am on time. the funny thing is, my irrational fear of being late, combined with my overcompensation in walking, makes me absurdly early ALL the time. so much so that i almost consider it a flaw. i am always having to find ways to kill ten of fifteen minutes, because showing up to work a half hour early is just unacceptable.
anyway i think my power walking is starting to cause me some more health issues. it's possible that my knees and hips are starting to go, which isn't really surprising, since this hot body of mine functions like an 80 year old. for those of you confused, i have all sorts of health problems, knees and hips would just be cherries on top of the delicious sundae that is my life.
the main issue i'm always in limbo about is my back. i've been to so many doctors, and tried so many things, but i guess it's something i'll just continue to live with. this one time i did physical therapy, but physical therapy at the school health center. which really amounts to a doctor, and a grad student helping me out. i am all for the learning experience, obviously someone needs to practice somewhere, but eventually i couldn't handle it anymore. they would talk about me as if i wasn't in the room. it was like a pop quiz every day, and i didn't know any of the answers, and it seems the grad student didn't either.
Doc: "so she has shooting pains down her legs, and dull pain in her back, and every once in a while she throws it out, so she must have...."
Grad Student: "ummmm sciatica...??
Doc: "okay and....?
alright people, i can't take the build up anymore. just give it to me straight! i don't have time to learn the lesson here, i need to know whats wrong with me!
the killer point was when i went in for my consultation, after they looked at my MRI they had me walk barefoot laps around the health center so they could asses my ability to walk. as if power walking laps in hospital gown shorts wasn't embarrassing enough (i mean i DO go to this school, and so do ALOT of people i know) they proceeded to have this shocked discussion. i kid you not they stood there with puzzled expressions, brushing their chins in thought...
Grad Student:"hmmmm interesting"
Doc: "yes very intriguing..."
then they would turn to me,
Doc: "do you ever have trouble walking?"
Me: "umm not really, i actually walk quite fast?"
Doc: "huh, and you never fall because your legs collapse underneath you?"
Me: "what!? no....should they?"
Doc: "oh no no reason, (turns to grad student) this is very interesting indeed!"
and after three or four sessions i still never figured out what my problem is. maybe i should really stop power walking, since apparently my body shouldn't be able to handle it. but hey, if i stopped walking so fast, i would really cut off a large source of things people can make fun of me for. and who doesn't want to watch the dumb power walking girls legs collapse as she falls on her face. seriously the things i do to entertain you all!! i'm a saint.
on a side note: happy turkey day!
Saturday, November 14, 2009
an anonymous letter to a member of the general public
dear man sitting next to me on the muni, this evening,
was it absolutely necessary for you to sit with your legs spread completely open as far as possible. is it uncomfortable for you to move them just a little closer together? i know, from personal experience, that it would not have been comfy to have them clamped together, but i think you could have spared me a couple inches. also, did you have to have your elbow jammed into my side the entire ride? were you in a horrible accident where you lost all nerve feeling in your arm? is that why you didn't notice you were poking me for such a long time. maybe you mistook my cushy tummy for soft air. yeah, i hear people encounter soft pillow-y air all the time, so maybe that is understandable.
i'm also thinking that maybe your tie was so tight that you missed the fact that i was uncomfortably smashed against the wall. i have pretty broad shoulders, many a time i have been mistaken for someone athletic, but sitting with my shoulders twisted forward the entire ride, is usually not a normal position. and just another FYI, people don't usually sit with their arms stretched straight out in front of them. thanks to your territorial man complex my body aches from trying to occupy such a small space for such a long time.
and lastly, when everyone got out of the train and the two seats next to you emptied, thanks for not moving over. i was really enjoying the enchanting claustrophobia, so i really would not have been interested in having more space.
Love,
the beautiful girl sitting next to you on muni, this evening.
was it absolutely necessary for you to sit with your legs spread completely open as far as possible. is it uncomfortable for you to move them just a little closer together? i know, from personal experience, that it would not have been comfy to have them clamped together, but i think you could have spared me a couple inches. also, did you have to have your elbow jammed into my side the entire ride? were you in a horrible accident where you lost all nerve feeling in your arm? is that why you didn't notice you were poking me for such a long time. maybe you mistook my cushy tummy for soft air. yeah, i hear people encounter soft pillow-y air all the time, so maybe that is understandable.
i'm also thinking that maybe your tie was so tight that you missed the fact that i was uncomfortably smashed against the wall. i have pretty broad shoulders, many a time i have been mistaken for someone athletic, but sitting with my shoulders twisted forward the entire ride, is usually not a normal position. and just another FYI, people don't usually sit with their arms stretched straight out in front of them. thanks to your territorial man complex my body aches from trying to occupy such a small space for such a long time.
and lastly, when everyone got out of the train and the two seats next to you emptied, thanks for not moving over. i was really enjoying the enchanting claustrophobia, so i really would not have been interested in having more space.
Love,
the beautiful girl sitting next to you on muni, this evening.
Friday, November 6, 2009
smart, until proven dumb.
i like to think of myself as somewhat of an optimist. i mean i have a pretty positive outlook on life, for the most part, and i am capable of seeing the cup half full side of most situations. with that in mind i have developed another extremely astute life theory.
as we know, about half the population is stupid. (see how i just put a positive spin on that! i mean with half i think i am being pretty generous.) anyway, it seems like most of the people you encounter through life are just not as quick on the up go, and as aware of life around them. but despite my cynical and sarcastic personality, i like to give those people the benefit of the doubt. and with that comes my theory:
Smart, Until Proven Dumb.
I like to give everyone I meet a blank slate. I don't like to have preconceived notions, and I just assume that they have made it through life thus far, they must have capable minds. It gives them the opportunity to reach to their full potential, without feeling pressured and judged. So until that absolutely ridiculous comment comes out of their mouth, I assume everyone is as smart as me. Unfortunately for some, those comments come out quicker than in others. We are talking anything from the time they open their mouth to speak the first words to you, to the moment they walk towards you with a glazed over dumbfounded look in their eyes. And in that instant, they plummet down to the bottom of the stupid list.
Some people though, are much better at concealing their stupidity than others. I can tell you that I have been shocked many a time by someone who had been parading around as a smart person for months, maybe years, to only ruin it in one quick moment. Be warned, once you make that ridiculously dumb statement, you skyrocket to the bottom, and there you stay. since i give everyone smart status to begin with, i feel it's only fair to say one strike and YOUUUUUU ARE OUUUUUUUUUT.
basically bottom line: if you're dumb, just keep it to yourself, and no one will ever know.
as we know, about half the population is stupid. (see how i just put a positive spin on that! i mean with half i think i am being pretty generous.) anyway, it seems like most of the people you encounter through life are just not as quick on the up go, and as aware of life around them. but despite my cynical and sarcastic personality, i like to give those people the benefit of the doubt. and with that comes my theory:
Smart, Until Proven Dumb.
I like to give everyone I meet a blank slate. I don't like to have preconceived notions, and I just assume that they have made it through life thus far, they must have capable minds. It gives them the opportunity to reach to their full potential, without feeling pressured and judged. So until that absolutely ridiculous comment comes out of their mouth, I assume everyone is as smart as me. Unfortunately for some, those comments come out quicker than in others. We are talking anything from the time they open their mouth to speak the first words to you, to the moment they walk towards you with a glazed over dumbfounded look in their eyes. And in that instant, they plummet down to the bottom of the stupid list.
Some people though, are much better at concealing their stupidity than others. I can tell you that I have been shocked many a time by someone who had been parading around as a smart person for months, maybe years, to only ruin it in one quick moment. Be warned, once you make that ridiculously dumb statement, you skyrocket to the bottom, and there you stay. since i give everyone smart status to begin with, i feel it's only fair to say one strike and YOUUUUUU ARE OUUUUUUUUUT.
basically bottom line: if you're dumb, just keep it to yourself, and no one will ever know.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Merry Chrisma-Hanukkah!!
i had intentions of writing something witty and hilarious, but i just can't get into a dry sarcastic mode right now. i'm too excited about the holiday season.
every year my parents ask my siblings and i to compose a list of things we want for Chrisma-Hanukkah. (hopefully this hasn't changed this year, i never actually checked, but i figured i would get an early start). i have known what i have wanted for a while now, and i am stoked. it's going to be a very short and simple list. i realize that i am well over the age that should get tons of presents for the holidays, so i am not going to push my luck. plus it's no fun when you dictate everything you get, it defeats the rush you feel Christmas morning, or that little excitement after you have finished lighting the Hanukkah candles.
i would consider myself a semi fun person, which is a trait i like to infuse into as many things as i can. so instead of just typing out a list, i am making a power point presentation. oh yeah, it's gonna be good. and i am really excited about it. i have done this once before, but i am really stepping my game up this year. i just feel like, if my parents are going to go through all the trouble to buy me things for the holidays, why not spunk up my suggestions, and making it more enjoyable for them.
hopefully my excitement will die down, and i can shrink back down to my sarcastic snarky self, and write something witty tomorrow. until then, i hope you all are having a great November so far! and a lovely evening.
every year my parents ask my siblings and i to compose a list of things we want for Chrisma-Hanukkah. (hopefully this hasn't changed this year, i never actually checked, but i figured i would get an early start). i have known what i have wanted for a while now, and i am stoked. it's going to be a very short and simple list. i realize that i am well over the age that should get tons of presents for the holidays, so i am not going to push my luck. plus it's no fun when you dictate everything you get, it defeats the rush you feel Christmas morning, or that little excitement after you have finished lighting the Hanukkah candles.
i would consider myself a semi fun person, which is a trait i like to infuse into as many things as i can. so instead of just typing out a list, i am making a power point presentation. oh yeah, it's gonna be good. and i am really excited about it. i have done this once before, but i am really stepping my game up this year. i just feel like, if my parents are going to go through all the trouble to buy me things for the holidays, why not spunk up my suggestions, and making it more enjoyable for them.
hopefully my excitement will die down, and i can shrink back down to my sarcastic snarky self, and write something witty tomorrow. until then, i hope you all are having a great November so far! and a lovely evening.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
weird, but in a good way.
after taking one linguistics class, i have decided that everything you learn about language as a kid is a crock of shit. linguistics, which is pretty much the study of language, it is all about words, and the manner in which people use them, the different dialects they have, how words have died out in existence, and how over time people have changed the meanings and tenses etc. basically linguistics doesn't judge. what i mean by that is there is no right or wrong way to speak English. everyone who uses words based in the English language speaks English, whether they use slang, like valley girl lingo, or have a thick southern accent.
i know, i know, stop with the English lesson Lauren. but hey, i had to take this class two times, so i'm gonna spread the half assed knowledge i picked up. anyway this class got me thinking about how it's absolutely okay that my generation makes up completely new words, assigns different meanings to words, and obnoxiously shortens them. hey, it's a fast paced world now, i just can't be bothered to actually say "jealous," right about now you're prob so "jeal" that you're face is green with envy. to an outside listener, i am positive a conversation with my friends sounds completely nuts, but really they should realize and appreciate that we are making linguistic history.
the only problem with being such a linguistic pioneer is that, the words and phrases we use are not by any means universal, so it leads to a lot of misunderstandings. and such is my entire life. i mean i suffer from a misunderstood sense of humor, why not throw in a misunderstood lingo as well. one day, some gorgeous guy will appreciate me for it,and i will marry him, but until then i'll be patient.
somewhere in the midst of beginning college, i decided it didn't matter what other people thought, and that being my weird self was actually a good thing. this is where i most often confuse people. weird has been notoriously known as a word with a negative connotation, it's what i was called by the "popular girls" when i dressed up as a chipette for halloween senior year in highschool. (what? yeah one of the best costumes ever, jeal?) little did they know they were actually to paying me a compliment. who wouldn't want to be weird? why be normal and boring. laaaaaaaaame.
so to clarify, i like to say, "hey i'm Lauren, and i'm weird, in a good way." and it's the truth. there is no other way to describe it, i'm freaking weird. ask anyone, they won't hesitate to second that answer. who else would post an entire blog about it? and i love it. i embrace it. so if you are also weird, with a positive connotation, you too should be proud, because that means you are awesome. if on the other hand, you read this entire post, and you don't get it, then your probably pretty lame. sometimes the truth hurts.
i know, i know, stop with the English lesson Lauren. but hey, i had to take this class two times, so i'm gonna spread the half assed knowledge i picked up. anyway this class got me thinking about how it's absolutely okay that my generation makes up completely new words, assigns different meanings to words, and obnoxiously shortens them. hey, it's a fast paced world now, i just can't be bothered to actually say "jealous," right about now you're prob so "jeal" that you're face is green with envy. to an outside listener, i am positive a conversation with my friends sounds completely nuts, but really they should realize and appreciate that we are making linguistic history.
the only problem with being such a linguistic pioneer is that, the words and phrases we use are not by any means universal, so it leads to a lot of misunderstandings. and such is my entire life. i mean i suffer from a misunderstood sense of humor, why not throw in a misunderstood lingo as well. one day, some gorgeous guy will appreciate me for it,and i will marry him, but until then i'll be patient.
somewhere in the midst of beginning college, i decided it didn't matter what other people thought, and that being my weird self was actually a good thing. this is where i most often confuse people. weird has been notoriously known as a word with a negative connotation, it's what i was called by the "popular girls" when i dressed up as a chipette for halloween senior year in highschool. (what? yeah one of the best costumes ever, jeal?) little did they know they were actually to paying me a compliment. who wouldn't want to be weird? why be normal and boring. laaaaaaaaame.
so to clarify, i like to say, "hey i'm Lauren, and i'm weird, in a good way." and it's the truth. there is no other way to describe it, i'm freaking weird. ask anyone, they won't hesitate to second that answer. who else would post an entire blog about it? and i love it. i embrace it. so if you are also weird, with a positive connotation, you too should be proud, because that means you are awesome. if on the other hand, you read this entire post, and you don't get it, then your probably pretty lame. sometimes the truth hurts.
my apologies
to the five people that sort of kind of regularly read my blog,
i've been a bad blogger the past few weeks. October just clearly was not my month. and for that i am really sorry. midterms, projects, and work have been sucking all the time out of my life. but i think i have a grasp on things now. so my goal is to get blogging a lot more in November. i'll even make special trips to the annex if that is what it is going to take. the holiday season is upon us...we all know what that means...plenty of material to make fun of. between my crazy life, and well my crazy life, i'm sure i'll be able to crack a smile or two out of you guys. noooooo pressure. i hope you will all forgive me.
have a fabulous evening.
LOVE
Lauren
i've been a bad blogger the past few weeks. October just clearly was not my month. and for that i am really sorry. midterms, projects, and work have been sucking all the time out of my life. but i think i have a grasp on things now. so my goal is to get blogging a lot more in November. i'll even make special trips to the annex if that is what it is going to take. the holiday season is upon us...we all know what that means...plenty of material to make fun of. between my crazy life, and well my crazy life, i'm sure i'll be able to crack a smile or two out of you guys. noooooo pressure. i hope you will all forgive me.
have a fabulous evening.
LOVE
Lauren
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