Glu-TARD

If I had a dollar for every time someone accused me of being a hypochondriac, I wouldn't be rich, but I could definitely treat myself to a crazy night on the town. I realize I do occasionally visit webMD in an attempt to diagnose all my various health issues, but they are REAL problems, so therefore this is a totally legit practice. While those health sites have been helpful in the past, I finally decided instead of playing make believe doctor myself, I should probably break down and see a real one.

I procrastinated on the issue long enough, mostly because I really dislike going to the doctor. Not because I usually come back with some new medical issue, that's awesome, it's because doctors always make me feel really stupid. I don't know why, but I have yet to meet a fabulous MD with fantastic "bedside manner." I'm a pretty easy going girl, but when I explain my symptoms and you look at me like I am crazy, it makes me feel really uncomfortable. Even though I am almost 23, I would love to still bring my mom to all of my check ups. It's like parents speak that doctor language, I swear if I said something, and then my mom repeated it verbatim, the doctor would feverishly nod his head in agreeance, and proactively move towards solving the issue at hand. This has actually happened to me in the past, and only reaffirms my theory that every doctor I meet just thinks I'm a little unintelligent girl. Obviously, if they spent any time getting to know me, they would see that I'm actually quite bright and a pleasure when it comes to dealing with health problems.

So I finally showed up for my appointment, and was not surprised when the situation played out exactly like every other doctor's appointment I have ever had. See, even the doctor thinks I am a crazy hypochondriac. But boy did I prove them wrong this time. I explained my symptoms as the doctor gave nothing back in return except a silent quizzical expression. But to humor me, he sent me off to the lab with a whole slew of random blood tests to be done. A few days later he called me back with the results: JACKPOT! Turns out, I'm not crazy...at least when it comes to my health.

Looks like I have celiac's disease; which is a gluten intolerance, meaning bye bye bread and all those other delicious gluten containing products. This does not come as a complete surprise since both my grandmother and mom have this disease as well. So between my new food issues, and my pending back issues, it has become apparent that I am comprised of all of my parents hereditary health problems. Don't think I look like them? Well let's whip out those medical records, and there is no denying that I am my parents' child. So chew on that everyone who ever accused me of being a hypochondriac! Maybe now you will all think twice before throwing out such harsh accusations.

Obviously I am dealing with everything in good humor. It's really not a bad dietary adjustment to make, especially since it seems my mom has an entire freezer dedicated to the gluten free mecca she has created. It is pretttty impressive. I am just going to take this as a new chapter in my life and the opportunity for me to have plenty of new material for this enthralling blog. I am off to finish sewing and chow down on the gluten free pizza. Not too shabby if you ask me!

March Madness

Now before all your sports fanatics start salivating in excitement, unfortunately this post will have nothing to do with the ever so popular bracketology. While I have never really been into college basketball and those crazy brackets that come along with it, even if I wanted to, I never would have had time this month. Hence the serious lack of bloggage. My March has been ABSOLUTE madness!

School and work have consumed me. Somehow I have been working 35 hour weeks along with sewing tons of garments, reading books, and writing papers. Every once in a while I throw in some sleep, food, and the occasional catching up with people via any means of communication possible. I feel absolutely burned out, but there is no time for rest.

In April I will be making my first fashion show debut, creating a line with seven looks that all have to be impeccable as they travel down the runway. I am so nervous, and it's time to crack down. I'll be heading home for a week or so, and you better bet I am putting my family to work. I'll basically be running a slave like sweatshop out of my parents house, so if you don't want to be sucked in, I'm warning you now to stay away. But I can't promise you won't get recruited anyway. Have two hands? Looks like you'll be cutting!

I have spent the past couple of weeks finishing up my individual garment for the show, made completely out of "industrial" objects. Basically anything non fabric. I chose balloons and duct tape. My sewing machine did not much agree with this combination, leaving me frantically piecing it all together last night. It came out pretty decent, and with a few more adjustments I think it will look pretty cool going down the runway. It's times like this that make me think maybe I didn't throw the last five years away on a major I could never be successful in. You can decide for yourself.



So for the next month or so, excuse my small break in blogging. I'll keep updating as much as possible, but I can guarantee you I will be freaking out in two weeks, probably bleeding pins and needles and crying in a corner rocking back and forth. Sometimes it's rough always having to be so creative. =)

Is it you? Or not you?

Maybe it's just me, but I distinctly remember a huge identity theft scare about five years ago. Commercials were playing all over television, people were advising you to stop forking over your social security number, and all retailers were told to always check ID when someone was using a credit card.

I would say over the years the hype has definitely fizzled, and with technology these days, there are all sorts of new ways to commit fraud. I know I use my credit card all the time, and rarely am I asked to show proof of identification. For now it doesn't really bother me, because I know it is really me using the card, but I am sure if my card was stolen, I'd hope they were checking ID's everywhere. The store I work at requires that we ask for ID whenever a customer makes a purchase with a credit card. Most of the time, people expect it, A LOT of times people thank me for asking, they love being reassured that we are actively trying to prevent credit card fraud. But the other day one customer absolutely blew my mind.

This woman was appalled at the fact that I asked for her ID. I honestly have never seen such a dirty look on someones face. She had no idea why I could possibly ever need to see her ID. Isn't that like one of the first things they teach you when you get a credit card? It gets better though. She didn't have her ID on her. (Which I would like to point out, is actually illegal. That's right, you have to carry identification with you at all times, failure to present proof of who you are can be charged as a misdemeanor, sometimes a felony...just an FYI). Not only did she not have ID, she had no other cards or anything at all with her name on it. She literally left her hotel with just her card...in her sweatshirt pocket. I think that's a pretty daring move there, especially as a tourist, good luck finding a cab in SF that takes cards...those are few and far between. Not to mention public transit isn't going to take your visa. I commend your spontaneity, but being stranded in a an unknown city with essentially no money does not sound like a risk I'd like to take.

Anyway, when I kindly apologized and explained I would not be able to let her use her card without identification, she was shocked and angry. She snapped back with, "Am I going to have this problem everywhere I go?" Well I hope so. That is kind of the point...to prevent people who are NOT you, from using your card. How else can we prove that, without some sort of indicator of your identity? I just wonder where this woman has been for the last five years, under a rock? Did she miss all these delightful commercials that were actually pretty funny in getting the point across:



If she did, she sure missed out. I personally thought these commercials were extremely innovative and hysterical. It definitely made me take my social security card out of my wallet. Basically the point I am trying to make is whip out that ID whenever you're using your credit card. Not only are you doing the cashier a favor, you're doing yourself a favor too.

p.s I am absolutely shocked at how many people do not know the difference between credit and debit. Let me clarify. Debit means you have to input a pin number, the number you use when you take money out of an ATM, and then the money is automatically taken out of your account. It's the modern check! Credit on the other hand is like a loan, the card company pays for your purchase, and then you have to pay it back later, when they send you the bill. So please do not get mad at me, when I ask "Credit or Debit", you reply "debit" then swipe your card and shove it quickly back into your wallet, which you then neurotically zip swiftly into your purse, after which my computer tells me your card is actually credit, and I have to ask to see your ID. I don't appreciate your eye rolls as you have to pull your wallet out all over again. Learn the difference between credit and debit and we can ask for your ID card before you shove it back into your bag at lightening speed. It's really not that hard.

Dear ABC,

First I would like to commend you on what seems to be a huge upper hand in television lineup this past season. While there was a definite lull in good shows there for a while, you seemed to have contributed greatly to fixing that, and even hit some big success' along the way. I have to say that your Wednesday night is my new fav. Loving Cougartown, and LOVING Modern Family even more. You really struck gold with that one, so keep it coming!! I even enjoyed the Middle, although from what I have heard most other people did not. The Forgotten is good too! (*cough, and it should be picked for a second season, cough*) I have also always been a loyal fan to Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, Dancing with the Stars, and I may or may not have been sucked into a few season's of the Bachelor/Bachelorette. (I'll blame that one on my sneaky roomie Ali). And if all of that gratitude isn't enough, you are the one network that owns the rights to the greatest devotion I have ever exerted in my life. We all know how dedicated I have been to your little gem of a show, Lost, and it is that reason alone that has sparked this lovely letter.

We have a BIG BIG problem!

The other day as I was checking up on my celebrity gossip, I stumbled upon this little statement from the producers of Lost:

"Co-creator Damon Lindelof explained: "Now that we're [preparing] the finale, we're not at all having the experience of 'Oh, my God, we forgot to do this!' We're big fans of the show Top Chef. Those guys all run through Whole Foods and they have to pull all of this stuff down — they have to get stuff they might not use in the dish.

"When they get to the kitchen, they have to decide whether or not they're going to use it. Our process is kind of the same."

First of all, I would like to comment on the fact that that is the worst comparison to your writing process ever! You're telling me that I have just wasted six years of my life, and my questions are not going to get answered because you like a competitive cooking show, where the contestants sometimes buy too many ingredients that they don't always get to use. That is the absolute most demented analogy I have ever heard. Basically you are saying that you opened up way too many small stupid story lines, and now you don't have enough time to wrap them all up. Yeah, I could have told you that three seasons ago, before you wasted anymore of my time. But no, you had to keep insisting there was a plan, and this was all going to come together. Lies, all lies. Thanks for that lame excuse though. I feel totally satisfied now knowing the reason I am not going to get my answers is based on such a credible concept...like Top Chef. You probably should have thought twice about throwing that statement out there, I would have had more respect for you if you had just kept your mouth shut.



But it gets better:

"Co-creator Carlton Cuse continues:"There's a lot of little questions that unfortunately we just don't have time to answer in the amount of time that we have left. Ultimately, the way we look at it is that if the characters don't care about that question, then we as storytellers don't care about that question."

"We feel like the show should stand on its own. We're actually not going to comment on the show after the finale. We want everybody to basically be able to continue the dialogue…

"We don't think it's really appropriate for us to say, 'Oh, here is the official definition for what we meant by any particular moment on the show.' "

Well that sucks. Thanks for the memo. Six years too late. Couldn't we have gotten a disclaimer when the show first started. "Plane Crashes on mysterious island, weird things happen, all the characters are interconnected...oooooh, get LOST, and by the way, we might not ever explain any of it to you." At least then I would understand fully what I am getting myself into. Then there would be no one to blame in the end except myself. But you didn't, so now I blame you.

So in conclusion, bravo on your new shows. I am not happy about this LOST situation, and I will continue to hold this grudge for a while. I hope you now know that I am going to embark upon new shows very wearily, you have scarred my commitment forever.

Sincerely,
elle dub

pictures here

fish-a-phobic

Last year Disney released a movie called Earth, documenting the lives of three animal families; Elephants, Humpback Whales, and Polar bears. It was a pretty big hit, and from what I hear people loved it. If you're really into that Discovery Channel kind of stuff this movie was probably right up your alley. Not to mention it was shown in IMAX, possibly even IMAX 3D, which I know is making all you mammal lovers salivate. Needless to say I did not see it, why? Well truthfully, I'm not really that into animals. I mean I love dogs and I can kind of tolerate cats, but almost anything beyond that creeps me out.

Now Disney is releasing a much anticipated second movie, cleverly titled Oceans. This one obviously will document ocean life, a treat for those who are curious about that magical world under the deep blue sea. Again, I will most definitely NOT be seeing this movie, one because I'm not that into animals, and two, and most importantly: because Fish Freak me the Fuck out. (sweet alliteration right?)

It's the truth. Some people are afraid of the dark, some people are fearful of heights, and others are scared of spiders (legitimately so). But my life arch nemesis (pronounced: nemi-SY) are fish. That's right, I am a big fish-a-phobe. I suffer severely from a fear of fish. I am not sure exactly what specifically triggers this, but everything about them give me the heebie jeebies. Ick. Their scales and buggy eyes send shivers down my entire body. And the fact that they are so unnaturally flat, I mean how do all their bodily organs fit inside that sleek physique?! Aquariums are one of my worst nightmares, fish of all colors, shapes, and sizes, separated by only a thin piece of glass, just staring at you, with those damn eyes on the side of their heads...it's making me nervous just thinking about it.

Before you are so quick to judge me, just think about how freaking scary it would be to find yourself face to face with a blue fish, with big scales, long wispy fins...and oh yeah, he's half your size! OH-MY-GOD! He could probably eat you, and I am sure if I was presented with such a situation I would get eaten, because there would be no fight from me, I'd pass out on the spot. I barely made it through the Finding Nemo ride at Disneyland. I'm sure being crammed in a tiny yellow submarine, with 40 of my closest line waiting friends didn't help, but even those fake fish were really effing frightening. I don't get how children stand it. I know I'll never be waiting in that three hour line again. You guys go ahead, I'll sit on a bench and enjoy some frozen lemonade, maybe catch up on the local Mickey Mouse gossip. We can meet up after you're done with that horrific adventure.

Despite my fear, I do brave the ocean and sometimes a lake or two, but you better bet I am doing insane egg beaters under water to keep those fish away from me. The thought of them nibbling on my toes is enough to get out me out of the water for the rest day. Some swimmer I am, right? All I know is there is no way there will be any scuba diving or snorkeling in my near future. Unless I see some sort of a hypnotist, who can cure my completely rational fear. So let's make a deal, I won't dangle spiders in your face, and you won't torture me with a surprise aquarium visit, and we can be friends forever. I know you're all looking for a whack job friend like me!


image found here