it's a hair past a freckle

i can tell time. i swear.

i'm pretty sure they teach you how to read an analog clock in elementary school...in one of the lower grades, like first or second. of course, being the child genius i was, i picked up on this new phenomenon pretttty quickly. when i was in middle school i used to wear my sweet rhinestoned roxy watch everyday, and i am fairly confident that i didn't have any trouble telling time then either. it's obvious i mentally peaked then and it's just been a steady decline all these other years.

i started wearing a watch regularly again, mainly because it's nice to be aware of the time when i'm at work. i have some pretty awesome analog watches, including a rainbow swatch, that i like to wear, and for the most part i have no issues deciphering the time, unless someone asks me. it's as if "hey do you know what time it is?" is the magic combination of words that makes me forget everything. i panic. i start to get really nervous that i am going to look stupid if i can't spit the numbers out fast enough. this of course makes me look even more idiotic, because in the end i shout out something that isn't even remotely close. this is always followed by a perplexed and sympathetic look. which i am almost positive is due to what is running through the asker's mind: "oh poor stupid girl, it's politically incorrect to make fun of mentally challenged people in public...but i can't wait to tell susie when i get home!"

for fear of coming off even ditsier i have taken to wearing a digital watch more often these days. it also helps that i have a pretty effing amazing casio calculator watch. jealous? yeah you should be. maybe this is why my coworkers seem to always talk to me in a slow, meant for a five year old voice. oh it's so hard being a genius stuck in the body of a socially awkward turtle...

BRB...in 3 days

i'm going on a little vacation!! see ya'll in a few days!

Vacation All I Ever Wanted...

so i am going on a little vacation. (and by vacation, i mean going back to LA for a week or so). anyway, whilst i was putting all my stuff together i came to a rather shocking conclusion: i may be the worst packer in the world. and here is why:

1. I Like to Pack Sporadically Over a Few Days.
Pro: allows me to do other things at the same time, and also breaks up the tedious task into more enjoyable spurts. it also allows me to get excited for the "vacation" three days earlier, since i am officially in the packing time period.

Con: i never remember what i packed the days earlier. by the time i get around to the third day, i'm frantically throwing in t-shirts because i have a slight inkling that i packed an awful lot of shorts the day before. which leads to my next problem:

2. Over Packing.
Pro: i have lots of clothes to chose from, which is especially helpful because i am so indecisive. how am i supposed to know exactly what mood i am going to be in each day? so now i have options and i can pick my outfits according to how i feel.

Con: the fact that i have an entire carry-on sized rolling suitcase dedicated solely to the shoes i am bringing home for the week probably says it best.

3. Disorganization
Pro: it was easy just throwing everything into the suitcase.

Con: i'm sure everything i want to wear on the first day is at the bottom of the suitcase, therefore causing a bomb to go off in the over packed case, which most likely will not get better and only worse over the course of the vacation. sometimes its difficult to find things when you're digging through an explosive mess of clothing. obviously my excessive laziness has prohibited me from learning from this mistake.

4. Oh Yeah....I Forgot...
Pro: forgetting things allows me to... challenge my creativeness.... and make outfits work with what i have??? yeah right, this is all con...

Con: no matter what, i always forget something. and it's always like the core of every outfit idea i have. like my favorite boots, or black belt. or something really important like a toothbrush or spanx. i'll usually remember this item when i am halfway through the journey down, and then i'll literally kick myself.

With the combination of these four problems, I'll end up in LA tomorrow, sitting in my room, exclaiming: "What the EFF did I pack?!" was that sequined mini skirt really a necessity? or that button up shirt I have never worn? yeah, both must of been packed on optimistic day one. thank god i used day two to throw in some practical jeans and sweaters. then i'll throw on one of those day three frantic tshirts, only to find that i didn't in fact over pack shorts the day before....

Ode to the Self Checkout

i am a very independent person, and i very stubbornly so like to do things on my own. i hate having to depend on people to get things done, and i hate having to ask for help. despite my lack of plumbing knowledge i would love to take my garbage disposal apart myself before calling a professional in. now i know that this is a bad idea, but i still can't help feeling that urge. just like the many other times, i've moved furniture alone, instead of waiting for help, or thrown out my back lifting heavy boxes i shouldn't have. i just know that i am more efficient than the average person, so if i do it myself, it will get done, and done well. (that's what he said!) this most obviously applies to buying my groceries as well.

enter greatest invention ever: The Self Checkout.



seriously sit down for a minute and think about it: how awesome are these things? not only do they make real every childhood game of market you played, but they also provide a way for you to control the efficiency of ringing up and bagging your items. and if that is not enough, they provide a lovely shopping experience with the least amount of social interaction possible. the cherry on top for a crazy socially awkward person like me! i admit, occasionally these checkouts can be flawed, but not having to make uncomfortable conversation with the 12 year old ringing me up is absolutely worth it. i love stores with self checkouts, and sometimes i even go out of my way to go to stores that have them. i just know i'm guaranteed a good time when there is the possibility of a self checkout involved!

to buy, or not to buy?

we sell sweatpants at my work. the cute kind. if there is such a thing as cute sweatpants, which i think there are. anyway, as i ring up the tons of customers who come in and purchase these sweatpants, i always think to myself..."i should get some sweatpants, they're warm, they're comfy, they're nice to lounge around in...." and these are not just sweatpants, their cute-ish sweatpants. not like the ones i own, with the elastic cinched bottoms, that are eleven sizes too big. after thinking it through, i think i might be ready to committ to adding some of these sweatpants into my wardrobe, there is just one problem...

i am a recovering excessive lounge wearing addict.

that's right. about two years ago i had a major problem. i spent a good year and a half of my college career in soffees and sweatshirts. yes. for some reason i felt this was a completely socially acceptable look, and i looked good in it. or more likely i was just too ridiculously lazy to ever get dressed. it was so bad that wearing a bra for an length of time was uncomfortable, and jeans became my worst enemy. i am almost positive i had a lunch date with a guy during that dark period, and yes, i wore black soffees (FANCY! cuz their black) and a school sweatshirt. with uggs, because i'm from socal and all...duhhh. somehow i managed to wriggle free of that black hole i had sucked myself into, and now i make an attempt to put actual clothes on everyday.

so here is the dilemma: you wouldn't give a recovering alcoholic a shot of whiskey...it could be a real risk to introduce sweatpants into my life, especially ones that have the potential for public wearage. am i strong enough to resist the lazy lounge wear ways...or will i crumble at the touch of the soft warm fleece and elastic waistband.

i just don't want to look back on my life in three years, and wonder how i became sweat pants girl. one day it's the sweatpants, the next day it's no make up. then it's hair put up in a messy bun every day. and then it's me on the couch, with twenty cats, and no friends. because no one likes a sweatpants girl.

so much for feeling skinny...

Today I broke my bed. I literally sat down and the entire front half of my bed collapsed. Okay, okay, maybe there was a little bit of pep in my "sit down", but it's not like I haven't ever done that before. I always like to add some pep into everything I do. This isn't the first time I have jumped into my cozy bed, but I'm guessing it will probably be my last. You know, because now my bed is halfway on the floor...

So if you're looking for something to smile at this evening, think of me, hopping into bed, crashing down, and then rolling right off that downward slope on to the floor. Serves me right for feeling skinny this morning. Guess I need to cut back on those carbs or maybe I need to invest in a bed that isn't put together with a baby sized allen wrench...

Stupid Retail Question of the Day

"Do I have to wait in that line to return this stuff?!"

yeah! yeah you do. you might have missed the memo, but today is the biggest shopping return day of the year. of course the lines are going to be long. and of course everyone will be returning things. so it gets complicated and lengthy. did you think you were just going to walk into the store, mid day on the Saturday after Christmas, prance right over the register and get everything taken care of in under 5 minutes?! at the time it would have been inappropriate to say to your face, but you're delusional! hellooooooooo! when are returns ever easy? let alone on such a crazy day. if impatience is your best trait, possibly that return wasn't absolutely detrimental next time maybe use your brain to think about things first. then i won't have to pollute my mind with your stupid questions.

Good Thing I Loosened that Lid For You

i have a major problem opening things. it seriously seems like everything is "Lauren Proof," which is even worse than child proof. my issue is so bad, that it is actually a step below childproof, but only to me, most likely a child would not have my kind of problems.

when i say opening things, i mean everything: doors, spaghetti sauce jars, a bag of gummy bears from disneyland, chips, the wrapper on my sandwich...it never ends. and my friends and family LOVE to make fun of me. i'm pretty sure if it's a dull day, they'll purposely throw things my way to open. they all know i'll be a big failure, but it's some comical relief to watch me struggle. there is nothing more enthralling than watching Lauren apply all her strength only to fail, and then watch someone else effortlessly peel apart that ziploc baggie. i know what you're thinking, with entertainment like that, i lead a top notch EXCITING life.

anyway to keep with that holiday spirit, here is my most recent opening dilemma. so i went out and bought advent calendars. the cheap kind with the plastic and cardboard tasting chocolate, that you had as kids. they have a sentimental value to me, and i thought it would be great to have one this year. i'm almost positive that they are intended for young children, so you wouldn't think that a fully functional twenty two year old could have issues, but hey, it's me, and that is just my life.

so one night i come home excited to enjoy my delicious chocolate, when i open the box and to my disappointment discover that the chocolate is not laying in it's beautiful plastic mold. so i try to peel up the cardboard covering to figure out where the chocolate has taken refuge. in the midst of my problem solving i had a sheer moment of stupidity...a rarity for me of course. i was trying to tilt the box so the light would shine where i needed to see, and i tilted it way too far, and ALL the chocolates fell out of their places and slid everywhere! this wouldn't be too much of a catastrophe if it was the 22nd and there were only two chocolates left, but of course i did this on the 4th ish, and there was plenty of chocolate to move around. so now instead of a flat little box with doors, i know had a lumpy mountainous looking thing, with every chocolate out of place.

in this type of situation panic is the appropriate action. so that's what i did. i frantically tried to push any chocolate back into a door (all without opening doors that hadn't previously been opened....because that is breaking the advent calendar rules!) after about ten minutes of futzing i just gave up and let the chocolates settle where the "earthquake" had left them. for all the other days i had to open the door and then fish a chocolate out from somewhere to enjoy for that glorious December day.

immediately i concluded that this must be a common issue people deal with, and in confronting my three other friends with advent calendars, i discovered that this is NOT in fact a problem that anyone other than myself has. obviously my inablility to open things will continue to plague my future endeavors....maybe that's a real medical issue i can have diagnosed....

Ho Ho Ho

Merry Christmas to All! And to All a Good Night!


i hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday, and that Santa doesn't forget the essentials: i've really been holding out for that deodorant, toothbrush, and hairspray that might show up in my stocking!!

WARNING!

Having a vast 5 months of retail experience, I pretty much consider myself very knowledgeable on the subject. At first I couldn't understand how stores could get so messy and how consumers could turn into vicious animals at the glance of a "sale" sign. But then I discovered the worst predator of all, the one that makes the hair on your arms stick up, the one that makes your eyes bug out at sight, the one that has you fleeing to your mother...

The dreaded One Handed Shopper!

Now let's clear a couple things up: I'm not talking about someone who physically only has one hand, I am not trying to be politically incorrect in talking about the disabled. I, on the other hand (no pun intended, or maybe pun was intended) am speaking of consumers who shop with only half focus, because their other hand is preoccupied with a cell phone conversation, or holding their child's leash, or carrying the fifteen other shopping bags they have. These are people who destroy stores, who turn your neatly folded shirts into unrecognizable piles.

Retailers beware!!

These one handed monstrosities are the most dreadful creatures. They walk around stores like they own the place, too high and mighty to even bother cleaning up after their storm. So to all those one handed shoppers, here is what I have to say to you:

REALLY?!

get your priorities in order! either you want to shop, or you want to talk on the phone. multitasking saves time, i get it, but honestly you're barely focused on either of the tasks your doing, and you are doing poorly in both of them. and what is it about walking around a store while on the phone that entices you to touch EVERYTING? are you talking to the devil? is he saying "now touch the polos, okay good, now touch the tank tops, small, medium AND large" if you're not gonna buy it, which i can tell you, you aren't, just be the bigger person and walk past it. enjoy it with your eyes. they deserve a treat every once in a while.

if you're child needs to be on a leash, then he should not be shopping with you. or maybe out in public for that matter. next time, try going to a baby store, that way you can shop for a stroller, and then take your child out with some dignity. leashes are for dogs, not children. side note: that ten foot retractable leash you have your child attached to ties up one of your hands, but none of your child's. so while you're wreaking one handed havoc over my store, you're kid is following by example...in the section across the way.

if you have fifteen shopping bags; go home! you have enough stuff. you have lost all aerodynamics, and with those bags you can kiss your agility goodbye. there is nothing like trying to weasel through a crowd when you have added 2 feet of width to your either side. while i do respect the talent and true athleticism it takes to balance all those bags, while still being able to browse other stores, i do not respect the fact that you just picked off each folded shirt one by one and created a mush pot in the middle of the table.

so next time you're out and about shopping, remember, USE BOTH HANDS! you might even be surprised in how much more efficient it can be...