Dear Readers

To All my Friends and Family who read this blog,

I am really sorry for my absence this entire month of February. I am suffering quite severely from serious writer's block, and am succumbing to the pressure of letting you all down. I had great plans to take the month off, relax, and re launch the blog at the beginning of March. But as it turns out, the design, and content is not quite ready yet. So I am promising to get it all hammered out, and I am expecting to be back (with vengeance) in a couple of weeks. I appreciate your guys' continued support, and it will no doubt be worth the wait. Honest to blog! I plan to do nothing but embarrassing things for the next month, and hopefully provide you with some laughter to enjoy throughout your day. And if nothing else, at least you'll know that you're not the only crazy one out there.

Love,
elle dub

5,4,3,2,1.....NEXT!

Let me first begin with: I did this for all of you.

Last week I went Speed Dating.

Yep, you read that correctly, as a truly dedicated blog author, I spent a good two hours last Wednesday going on eleven, five minute first dates. One right after each other, whistle blowing included. And much to my disappointment, and now to yours, it was not nearly the disastrous train wreck I was expecting it to be.

Unfortunately none of the guys were extraordinarily creepy, with the exception of three, and even two of those were pleasant-ish to talk to. The only real weirdo, was Michael, possible axe murderer, who tried to smooth talk his way into sitting with us in the car before the event had even started. Luckily we paid enough attention in kindergarten to learn "stranger danger!", and politely declined his request. As if to add to his already creeptastic reputation Michael, axe murderer or not, never ended up coming inside to the speed dating event. He must of been intimidated by my friend and I's ridiculously good looks, but not too intimidated to leave his business card on my friend's windshield. Thanks Michael, we'll give you a ring if we need any axe murdering done.


Once I got over the awkward-ness of having to jot down my suitor's name, and more importantly group number, plus any quick notes about his personality or receding hairline, the experience was actually kind of fun. I mean it made for a pretty raging Wednesday night, at least compared to my usual Wednesdays, which are typically spent laying in bed watching the four hour tivo-ed NCIS marathon from earlier in the day. I LOVE NCIS Wednesdays. I think it would be a safe bet to say this was one of the wilder things I have done on a night mid week, right behind my entire sophomore year in college, but that's another story all together.


When I got home, I was actually pretty excited about the outcome of the evening, and whether it was the endorphins from all the enthralling conversation, or the glass of wine necessary for me to participate in this sort of event, I happily picked a few guys that I liked. In fact it was hard to say no to all the other guys, because a lot of them were actually pretty cool, and I would have loved to be friends. But I figured in a speed dating situation, it would be kind of bitchy to "match" with these guys and then throw down the friend card immediately. I think I have too much compassion to become a speed dating regular, I'm too good at being "interested" in every one's lives. A repercussion of 5 years as a sorority girl.

But as it always has to happen, after I sent my matches in, reality set in and I freaked out. I decided that despite my enjoyable time, I am too young to date any of these guys. The age range for the evening was 23-33, putting me right at the bottom, and as it seemed put all the guys right at the top. Ten years my senior is just too much for me, especially when I suffer from such commitment issues like not being able to decide what day of the week to do laundry. They're probably more interested in the potential for long term, whereas I am more interested in how.... not to do that.

So if by some outrageous chance any of the guys from my speed dating experience, with the exception of axe murdering Michael, stumble upon this blog, I'm sorry to not return any of your advances. Trust me, it's for the better, you might not know it yet, but you should thank me for doing you a favor. I have to potential for being all kinds of crazy. But thanks for a fabulous Wednesday evening, I truly did thoroughly enjoy it.

New Year, New Me.....?

I've never really been much for making new years resolutions, mainly because I've never really been much for sticking to them. Have any of us? Sure I'd love to lose ten pounds, or make fewer rude facial expressions to stupid people, but I have always been a realist. Making a promise to myself will in no way solidify that I'll actually make those dreams come true. And I think all of you out there  know exactly what I am talking about. We are all enchanted by the idea of a new year bringing a new slate where we can start over fresh. But after three days of dieting sometimes you just want a fucking slice of cake, and those celery sticks just aren't going to cut it. And with the alarmingly large amount of stupid people in the population it's impossible to keep a straight face around each and every one of them. Despite my non existent track record with resolutions, I think I might have stumbled on to a little idea going into 2011. ( As a side note: I realize it has been quite a while since I have blogged, so I would just like to take this moment to say, holy crap, it's 2011?!  How the hell did we get here??!).

So this year my "resolution" is such: I am going to try and do more things that I LOVE to do this year. Things like reading books, something I rarely do anymore, it's questionable whether I even still know how to read. Hopefully the proof reading of this post will put me back into the swing of things. I also used to make a lot of headbands and bows, for myself and other people (holler NATH!), which I definitely need get back into doing. I  haven't worn a bow in my hair in months, and I think those messy curls are getting quite bitter about it. Plus I have a bunch of new ideas, so I need an outlet to pour my creativeness into. I want to start sewing again regularly, and not just for school projects, for all kinds of things, especially the gifts I still owe to people (I'll get to those shirts eventually Dad, Danny, and Jason....i promise), and all the tailoring I apparently have to do for all my friends clothing. And finally I want to spend more time outdoors, hiking, rollerblading, bike riding, etc. All of these things make me happy and therefore they need to be necessities in my 2011.

I think I have gotten off to a good start so far, I went bike riding with my parents just the other day. That was an experience in itself, nothing makes you feel like a third wheel more than being a single bike desperately trying to keep up with my parents on their tandem bicycle. I don't know if they are just in way better shape than I am, I maintain two people on one bike obviously can go faster than one, but I spent the entire ride a good twenty feet behind them. And frantically trying to catch up, which never happened until they stopped. Guess I'll have to do some secret training of my own, if we are going to keep up that Saturday morning tradition.

Anyway, I think the key to this resolution is the fact that I don't have to learn to do anything new. All of the things I want to start doing this year are activities that I already know how to do. You've reached that "aha" moment now, haven't you? That's right, I have created the perfect resolution for a lazy person like myself, just continue doing things I'm already good at. This way come March, when all of those new gym go-ers are fizzling out from exhaustion, I'll still be happily sewing up a bow storm. So take that new year's resolutions,  2011 is gonna be my year.

In other news I am heading off to Vegas in 3 days, I'm breaking in the stilettos as we speak, so watch out Sin City, I'm ready for some fun. I'm hoping to be inspired out of this writers block I have been suffering from, so more frequent posts to come, I promise. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, unless it's just absolutely ridiculous (which if it involves me, it usually is) and then I'll have to blog about it. I hope the new year has treated you all well so far, I look forward to sharing lots of shenanigans in 2011!!!


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Christmas Crazy

It's official....less than 12 hours until Christmas. I think it's pretty safe to say that if you haven't gotten your gifts by now you need to calmly surrender, go home, and spend the next couple hours crafting some really spectacular IOU's. Sometimes we all have to admit defeat. This just wasn't your year, and you now know you need to get started just a tad earlier come The 2011 Holiday Season.

My morning was filled with people who did not have a wise person like myself around to give them such advice. Instead I dealt over and over again with angry people's shock over the fact that we were sold out of the items they wanted. As an FYI to them for the future: it is not unreasonable for a store to be sold out of a product at 10am....the day before Christmas. A bit more advice for those same customers: "But you have it advertised in the ad!" is not a justification for you having the right to be angry. First off that ad came out four days ago. Second, and really the only point necessary for this argument, that's how ads are supposed to work! We send them out, put things on sale, and then people come and buy them, and when they buy them all, then we are sold out. It's pretty easy to comprehend.  In a case like that it turns out the whole advertising thing worked, you were just to slow on the up go. So go home and yell at yourself rather than get all up in my kool-aid...because you aren't even close to knowing the flavor.

Merry Christmas and Happy Chinese Food and a Movie day to ya'll!! Stop terrorizing retail associates and go enjoy the glorious weather we're having in SoCal!!

Jeans+ Leggings = : (

With the overwhelming popularity of "jeggings", I think it's important that we ask ourselves when did it become okay to wear pants with elastic waistbands?

Unless you're having a bad day, ill, or you're drastically out of clean laundry and you're rocking sweatpants, you should be able to accept the fact you are over the age of five and are perfectly capable of operating a fly front zipper and button. It's not rocket science, and I think it is just something that you need to come to terms with as a part of becoming and adult. I would say it is similar to things like not being able to throw public temper tantrums, no longer being able to eat off the kids menu, and being chastised for using the swings in the public park. Sometimes sacrifices need to be made; and wearing pants is one of the most important ones. So you might as well do it right, and get yourself a pair of back-pocketed, button up, big girl pants.

To be honest, this "jegging" fad has me absolutely baffled. I'm not sure why people are going crazy over them like they've never seen anything like them before. Well I am hear to tell you that there have been elastic waist banded jeans on the market for years; they're called maternity pants, and they have been readily available in any section geared towards expecting mothers.

I have so many issues with these pants it's ridiculous. I think a big part of the reason grown ups should not be allowed to wear them is because they could not come up with a more age appropriate name. It sounds like something fake and made up, and if this so called "inventor" of the "jegging" had actually created a new product, then they could have taken the time to give it a more thought worthy name. I also cant imagine your boyfriend thinks it's super sexy when you show up for your date wearing giant toddler pants. Unless of course he is into that kind of thing, in which case he should probably be in jail.

I see nothing about these pants that is a good idea. They have been making tight stretchy jeans for years that come fully equipped with a button and a fly, so why we need "tighter" ones I have no idea. Not to mention most of these jeggings come without back pockets or functioning front pockets, which you know I have an even bigger issue with. I only pray that these are a trend that fades quickly, I am sick of dealing with grown adults walking into my store and asking me to point them in the direction of the "jegging."

Although....this is a look I think I could get behind.

Pet PEEEVED

Oh parking, what a fun activity, especially now going into the holiday season. Malls, markets,and  pretty much any public place is now a zoo. This means that these locations are doing everything they can to help "ease" the the parking process and get you into the stores faster to BUY BUY BUY. But really what they are doing is fucking everything up for anyone who is not a complete idiot. There is little that I enjoy less than  some "rent-a-boy scout," in white gloves. directing traffic in the mall parking lot. If there are any requirements to be able to direct traffic (which in their case there does not seem to be) I would think it would be to have a driver's license. Or in the very least be old enough to have a driver's license.

While I doubt anyone really enjoys parking, the one thing I absolutely cannot stand about the whole process is having to search for a spot. I have always been a snag the first spot I see kind of a parker, even if it's miles away from the entrance. I'd much rather walk than drive around trying to find that "perfect spot." By the time you find it, I probably could have walked to the store, done my shopping, and made it back just as you're pulling in. It's an absolute waste of time, and I hate being unnecessarily unproductive. I like to procrastinate with a purpose. Plus anything that prolongs shopping is obviously a very bad thing. 

The only thing I hate more about parking: getting stuck behind a dumb ass while they search for their PERFECT spot. Come on now, I know we are taught from a young age to never give up on our dreams, but searching for a parking spot that requires you to walk less than 10 feet to the entrance is just not obtainable. But the good news is that you just won the LAZIEST person in the world award. Congrats! It comes in bumper sticker form, so all the other drivers on the road know to avoid you. Maybe instead of ragging on all the un-nutritional factors of junk food, let's just teach the next generation that it's okay to walk (at a moderate to brisk pace... please).

I always love a good moral, so the knowledge you should gain from the end of this story is; learn that it's OKAY to walk a little bit. Especially when it means you get into a parking spot faster, and out of my way. Also if you're ever in a situation where I'm the driver and we are parking, you have been warned, I hope you brought your walking shoes!

A Letter, With Love

Dear Beloved Black Friday Shoppers,

I first have to say that I commend your dedication, and applaud your endurance and perseverance. While I myself love to shop, I have never been much for crowds and I lack the patience for waiting long periods of time. So I have to give you credit for your determination for grabbing "great deals." Now that we have gotten that out of the way, you guys need to CALM the fuck DOWN.

It's early, I think my bloodshot red eyes are pretty clearly reiterating that fact. I know you too are suffering from the dark hour, due to your zombie like state and apparent feeling that pajamas were an acceptable outfit for this public outing. So therefore you are really going to need to tone down the rude. I understand that you are tired, I am too, it's 3:00 AM, but if you cannot control your crankiness, I am going to have to suggest that Black Friday shopping is probably not the sport for you. I don't know if you were unsure of what exactly Black Friday entailed, but you should never have expected to get into a store, pick up your items, and then check out in a jiff. Did the hundred other people standing in line with you waiting for the store to open not imply that it could be a bit of a wait at the cash registers? I sure know when I walked in and saw the line wrapped around the entire store my first thought was, "Holy crap! I bet that's a long wait."

Luckily you were able to pass the time with all of your complaining. Nothing makes a line move faster than a bunch of negative remarks being spewed everywhere. And that complaining sure kept you busy, so much so that you had no time to sift through the trash bags of clothes that you had collected to decide what you actually wanted. That's an activity saved for the registers when it is finally your time to check out. It was great just sitting there helpless while you debated whether or not you really needed half of the items in your bag. Way to really actively help in getting that line moving. And don't worry, I don't actually need any space on my cash register to ring things up, bring on the go backs!

Just one last thing, more of a questions really, out of my own curiosity. Did I miss the memo where children no longer have bed times? Is it really appropriate to have your four and five year old kids with you at 3 am, shopping? Not letting them sleep has to be some sort of child abuse...and I know I am no expert in parenting, but the possible reasoning for their crying temper tantrums, could be as a result of their not getting to go to bed. Just something to keep in mind for next time.

Hope you really saved on ALL those deals.

Love,
Lauren

P.S Thanks for this.

No Jimmy, THANK YOU!

I haven't really watched much of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, mainly because his interviews always seem to be pretty awkward. Why I don't love that, I am not sure. I am usually quite fond of awkward situations, but I guess when I am not directly involved, they just make me uncomfortable. Anyway, I always catch the random clip here and there, and every time I think, hmmm I should really start watching this show. I think I can manage through awkward interviews to see Justin Timberlake and Mr. Fallon perform A History of Rap. (amaaaazing!)

But what I am obsessed with even more right now is this little gem, I stumbled across. Apparently Jimmy is big on correspondence, only problem is he just never has enough time to do it, EVERY week. So he takes some time on Fridays to write thank you notes on his show. Last night I sat for probably and hour and watched a whole bunch of them in a row. It was a pretty amazing hour that had me in tears. I think you've converted me Jimmy, I'll definitely be tuning in to your show a lot more often....especially on Fridays. (or at least watching it on Hulu the next morning. )

If you haven't ever seen them, here are a few to check out. And even if you have seen them, I  hope they make you laugh again!

(excuse the awkward sizing. i'm sure it doesn't bother year NEARLY as much as it bothers me.)




 

Little Anecdotes

Careful....this could be scary!

Today my Dad and I went to the market to do a quick ingredient round up for dinner. While weaving the aisles, because apparently that's what my Dad considers himself to be: a weaver, we stumbled upon a family argument in the frozen food section. A man and his two sons, probably middle school/ high school age, were firmly discussing which carton of ice cream they should buy. The son apparently contested his fathers idea, and said "Why would you get those two ice creams, they are practically the same flavor?" Of course my first thought was. why wouldn't you get both cartons? Even if they were they same flavor, which they were not, you can never have too much ice cream. This was obviously not their family mentality as they continued to argue, leaving me baffled as we walked by. And like clock work, as we passed the family, my Dad turned to me and said, "Now that's a problem our family would NEVER have. Why not buy five cartons of ice cream."

Welcome to life with the Weldens. Come on over, we'll make you a five flavor ice cream sundae.... with all the fixings.

My parents are very distinguished

November Schmovember

November Night with the Girls

It's November! First of all, where the hell did time go? I literally have finals in a month, and then I will officially be done with my first semester of grad school. Only three to go after that! Guess I better get on that thesis topic. But don't worry, I have some ideas I am pretty excited about, and I will undoubtedly become one of those obnoxious people who can't stop talking about their thesis. So get excited friends. Other than finals prep, November means a lot of things for me:

The beginning of the Holiday season!! Woo hoo. I absolutely love this time of year; pumpkin flavored everything, hot chocolate, ice skating, hats, boots, insane amounts of Welden baking, and just good ole quality time with the family. Not to mention Thanksgiving food! My favorite, and this year I have to eat double time, because last year I was a vegetarian, so I missed out on all the turkey and ham. I assume I'll probably eat myself into a turkey coma, but don't worry I'll make sure I get in my fair share of candied yams before I pass out. Can't wait! Then Hanukkah and Christmas; hello latkes and lots of delicious desserts. I'm really into food, in case you couldn't tell. And then January, which means a New Year, but most
importantly....VEGAS!

Last year's amazing Vegas Adventure

Although I couldn't be more excited for the Holidays, November also means the end of my social life as we know it. I am about to enter into a retail black hole and I won't be resurfacing until January 1st. That is if I don't get rampaged by some crazed, money saving, stroller pushing, raging mother trying to swoop up all the best deals for all her Holiday shopping. When working in such a dangerous industry as retail, this occurrence is a very plausible possibility. But what this means for you guys, my loyal followers, is lots of stories about shopping psychos. This will include, but not be limited to, a crazy shift on Black Friday, starting at 3am, and the glorious 36 hours that my store has decided to stay open for some non stop last minute Christmas shopping. Hilarity and stupidity are sure to ensue.

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum

In other news, my Halloween was pretty rocking. I once again succeeded in making some pretty sweet costumes, and my friends and I proceeded to relive our college years by picking the fratty-est bar to celebrate in. I guess you can take the girl out of the sorority, but not the sorority out of the girl. It was a top night if you ask me, and we even got to see someone get tazed in the end. The cherry on top of a fantastic evening. I love a night out that concludes in a good moral lesson; don't resist arrest and you'll probably avoid getting tazed. As for actual Halloween I got to work a nine hour shift and then come home and hang out with my family. I think once again this picture will provide you more insight into how I became the lovely person I am today.

Welden Family Halloween 2010

Yep, that's us. In dog masks. Playing poker on the front porch. And handing out candy. A lot of people got a good kick out of it, so I'll admit it was a witty idea of my fathers. Things I learned from that evening: I'm always in when it comes to poker. Especially when I haven't seen the flop yet. And I am always down for a good $600 bet, even when I have absolutely nothing. Despite my arguments, "almost a straight" and "almost a flush" mean nothing when it comes to Poker with the fam. I find this to be ridiculous.

For those of you who enjoy shopping at any Old Navy, Gap or Banana Republic, it's friends and family weekend starting on the 11th. Here's a coupon for 30% off all the stores. Use it and reuse it and enjoy! 5% of all the purchases go to my charity Feed America! Cute clothes and a mitzvah at the same time. Could you ask for more! 

Give and Get is Here!: "Enjoy 30% off from November 11-14 at Gap, Banana Republic and Old Navy plus we'll make a 5% donation to a non-profit."