ADDICTED!

so i might have become addicted to diet dr. pepper.

i just don't know how i let this happen. one minute it was buy two cases of soda, get three free at the market, and i ended up with a twelve pack in my house, the next i was anxious to go to bed, just knowing i could have an ice cold dp in the morning. at first our relationship was very innocent; a can here and there, a treat other than water. i was completely unaware of the dependency i was building up, and then one day it just bitch slapped me.

"ooooohhh a diet dr. pepper sounds good," i thought to myself. i picked up a nice cold bottle from the market, and as soon as i heard that crisp fizz when i first opened the cap, i knew that this delcious calorie free soda had become more to me than just a drink. one sip, and i could feel actual happiness shooting through my veins. it was as if all was right in the world again.

and now here i am, three weeks later, and i know it's getting worse with time. i'm fueling this addiction, and it's going to take some strong willpower to be able to quit it cold turkey. the only thing i do know is that i'm going to need some brutal mental preparation to become that strong. guess i'll get started on that tomorrow, after i have my diet dr. pepper of course.

not to sound apathetic...

but sometimes I JUST DON'T FUCKING CARE!!


okay, i just had to get that out. i'll breathe now and everything will be okay.

hugs not drugs

it's been a bit.

unfortunately nothing really amazing or funny or interesting has happened to me in the last week or so, which is the reasoning behind my prolonged update.

but if i don't update kind of regularly then i slump into a state where i forget to update all together. so instead i'll try to compose a list of things going on in my life.

i just now realized that the diet dr pepper i have been drinking has caffeine in it. which could definitely be the contributing factor to the beginning of a migraine.

i made some hard boiled eggs this evening, a risk i have been avoiding, i'll let you know if i enjoy them.

school starts in two weeks. so much for my productive summer.

yesterday i swam forty laps! which, if i might say, is quite an accomplishment for someone who hasn't lap swam in four years. and who, four years ago, was only a mediocre swimmer.

i'm on the prowl for wedged boots and plaid shirts. these are both necessities to my current life.

i've started hula hooping my way to a bikini bod. or just a normal one.

i have a strong inkling for some feng shui but i don't think my furniture is going to allow it.

excitingly i signed up for a word a day email. one small step for Lauren, one giant building of her vocabulary. watch out! next time i post you might need a thesaurus to understand.

alright, well that's it on the boring life of Lauren. i hope if nothing else you read this and are enlightened to the fact that your life is not the most boring after all.

my life as i know it

don't you hate it when you go to the market and you buy a giant brand new container of nonfat yogurt to eat for breakfast. then two days later you get sick with a cold and you can't eat dairy. you're sick for two weeks and your yogurt goes bad.

such is my life.

Tips from the Wise

i recently acquired a second job working in retail. it's been about three years since i have done anything for work other than teaching swim lessons, so it was definitely a surprise to see how rude society has gotten. i don't go into your place of work, walk up to your desk and push everything off, so you should respect mine too. so in order to prevent the further loss of general manners, i have kindly compiled a list of shopping tips for you to consider on your next retail outing.

(and of course, when i say "consider" i mean "strictly follow!")

1. If you ask for something rudely, it's pretty much a guarantee that we "won't have your size" in the back room. Unless of course we work on commission, but if you had to approach us, we probably aren't getting a commission. therefore you can take your rude attitude to another store that gets paid to kiss your ass.

2. If the shirt is ugly when it's folded, it's still going to be ugly when unfolded. So don't waste your time AND ours.

3. Just because it is on sale DOES NOT mean you have to touch it. Especially if you have no intention of buying it.

4. A pity fold is always greatly appreciated, even if it's wrong. At least we know you have compassion, unlike the other heartless devils who terrorize the store.

5. Bargain shopping is great! Even better when it is an extra 50 percent off! I get it! You want to make sure you get to see everything, to make sure you're really taking advantage of the deal. However, this does not give you the right to push the sales associate out of the way. Or throw things at her.

6. If your size is at the bottom of the neatly folded stack, it's not necessary to pick up the top of the stack and violently dump it out of the way. Just violently enough that each shirt has to be refolded. Thanks.

7. Picking up fifteen items from everywhere in the store and then all the sudden deciding you don't want it and just dumping it on the first employee you see is not very nice. I get what you're thinking, but just hang it on a rack somewhere, we'll get to it eventually. Or here is a crazy idea: you could attempt to put some of it back yourself.

8. If you took it off the hanger...put it back on...right side out.

9. Remember how you're mom always told you to pick your clothes up off the floor? Well just because this isn't your room, doesn't mean that its okay to throw things on the floor.

10. T shirt sizes don't vary with color.Meaning: you do not need to unfold the medium in EVERY color. It's the SAME fucking shirt.

11. Bathing suit season is WAY over by August. Gotta clear it out! Christmas shirts are coming soon! DUH. And fyi: it's not my fault you're an idiot.

In conclusion be nice when you are shopping. Angry and rude is going to get you no where fast. And have some common courtesy...be respectful to the fact that whatever you mess up, someone probably just spent an hour folding it to make it perfect.

P.S today at work a woman asked me where our purses were, and i replied with "well what kind of purse are you looking for? like a purse purse or another kind of purse?"
REALLY LAUREN?!!??

AWK with extra WARD

i'm convinced i have a social anxiety disorder. i'm not sure if such a thing actually exists, but it sounds like something that would. and by convinced i mean that i have already self diagnosed myself with this infliction. i pretty much visit web md everyday, so therefore i have all the qualifications necessary to make such a hefty call. my particular case is an interesting one, because it does not seriously debilitate me from being in social situations, it makes me very awkward or weird.

being around people makes me nervous. sometimes really nervous, and i begin to freak out about how to behave around such people. it's almost like i lose control over my mind and body, and i just freeze up. if you have spent some time around me, you will easily realize when these symptoms set in. i become really quiet and uncomfortable looking. my eyes start to roam all over and i make bizarre facial expressions. i'll bite my nails or twiddle my thumbs. it's very weird, and unfortunately if you didn't know me very well, you'd just think i was creepy, unsocial and awkward. truth is though, turmoil is going on in my body. my stomach is churning and i feel really rigid and panicked in what to do.

recently this has been happening a lot to me at work, which is the worst. my whole brain gets flustered and i have a really hard time interacting with the children. a major result of this social anxiety kicking in is my use of big words and fancy phrases. which as you have read below confuses everyone, and scrambles my thoughts up even more. today for example i spent a painful four hours trying to teach breast stoke to kids of varying ages. after a failed explanation on my part, one girl flopped across the pool, in her interpretation of what i said, to which my coworker replied, "what stroke are you trying to teach?" the more i think about it, the more i wonder if i am sane enough to be around children.

so if we ever meet (which is likely since nathalie is really the only one who reads this thing...to which i thank her!) and i am completely weird and uncomfortable, it's most likely my social anxiety disorder, SAD if you will, and not you. unless you're creepy, in which case it is you.

i strive to articulate becomingly

i'm on a quest to broaden my vocabulary. not necessarily my knowledge of words, because believe it or not, i'm actually pretty smart. not to brag, but i do know a few big words, i just strive to use them naturally in every day life. i'm a smart girl, it's finally time that i sound like one too.

here is the dilemna i've run into: whenever i am around friends or people my own age, i usually get so distracted by the conversation that i forget to think before i speak. therefore it just like totally comes out like valley girl-ish. then next thing you know, it's sunday morning and i'm at work swimming with the kids, and i have all the time in the world to chose the diction of my dreams. two minutes later, as i'm telling a five year old that she wants to "rotate her arm at a 45 degree angle so it lands perpindicular to the water" i begin to realize that this might not be the best place to practice my new profound way of speaking. she turns to me confused, to which i can only shrug and reply, "i guess you haven't gotten to geometry yet..."

so my new goal (and if i write it, then it must come true!) is to always try to think before i speak. and maybe for once i'll sound just as astute as my mind is.

curiosity killed the cat...what's the lesson there?

i LOVE to stare. i know it's rude, but sometimes i just can't help myself. i only stare at people in a positive way, and that sounds absolutely creepy, but it's true. if you're ugly or funny looking i wouldn't waste my time staring. so if you catch me staring at you, take it as a compliment, i obviously find you fascinating and want to know more. i love learning all about people. i just get this craving to want to know everything about you; your favorite color, what you do when you wake up in the morning, your favorite book, all the weird and random things that make you you. i'm sure it's some eccentric psychological disorder i have in an attempt to make my bizarre habits seem more normal. i know why i'm so awkward, now i want to know if it's a similar combination that makes you awkward too.

here is a problem i run into often. they always say that girls can feel when someone is staring at them. which is completely true. it's totally subconcious, but whenever someone is staring i know to turn around and look for the culprit. this has been happening to me a lot recently. i always end up making that horribly uncomfortable moment when your eyes lock and you realize that both of you have now been caught staring. at work i would say i experience this moment at least ten times in my four hour shift. the first couple times i always think, man why are they staring at me? and then after we lock eyes at seven more times, i start to doubt myself. are they staring because all this time i've been staring? i mean who stared first?

then i try really hard to not look at all. which only makes me look even more awkward. and since i'm a compulsive starer, i probably started it, which now makes me look like a complete creep. or is it possible that there is someone out there who has the same fondness for an innocent gaze into other people's lives?

the answer is: probably not. i'm officially just a big creep, who now spends her time dwelling on stupid theories like such, all in the hope that one day, i'll find someone who embraces and loves my little quirks.

here's to hoping!

if i can read it, SO CAN YOU!

My roommate basically tricked me into reading this book with the promise of a future movie involving Anton Yelchin, whom we adore. Despite my rule of seeing the movie first, i figured by the time the movie actually came out i'd have forgotten the book, and besides i was going away for a weekend and needed some form of entertainment. Having spent the entire beginning of summer rereading mindless books, i was pretty thrilled at the aspect of something new.

I began the book, and immediately noticed that i was flyyyyyyying through it. I couldn't help but feel a small sense of pride, noting that despite half of my brain dying in my inexplicable obsession with the Twilight Saga, i still had my knack for reading. I imagined the actors as the characters i assumed they would play, and was falling in love. It's a pretty interesting storyline, filled with humor, and quirky characters. Exactly the kind of book i needed for vacation.

I finished the book in a day, and once i got back to civilization in San Francisco, i started doing some research on the movie. the first thing i came across was that this is actually a book written for the young adult crowd (ding ding ding, that must be why i read through it so rapidly). one small stab to that pride of mine. the next info i discover is that the movie is taking place in japan. in JAPANESE. (the actual novel takes place somewhere on the east coast). why you ask? i have no idea. i guess those japanese film companies swooped it up before we could. it most likely will never be released in the U.S. sigh.

that's the last time i'll be duped into reading a book under false pretenses. thanks roomie. cough cough. well if nothing else, at least i can muster up some enthusiasm for the fact that i actually read a new book this summer. even if it doesn't quite compare to my lengthy list well renowned classics. i should know that i'm too lazy to accomplish my overachieving dreams.

breakin all the rules

when i was a freshman in high school the movie "A Walk to Remember" came out. a story detailing an unexpected romance between Mandy Moore and the dreamy Shane West, it pretty much summed up the kind of stuff that i, as a teenage girl, lived for. i can very clearly remember sitting silently in my ceramics class and listening to all the older sixteen and seventeen year old girls talk about going to see it the weekend it came out and i was sooooooo jealous. being only fourteen, i was two years and a drivers license away from having the freedom to see movies whenever i wanted. i'm not sure what the circumstances were, most likely there was another more important comic book movie or something that came out, but my parents made it pretty clear that seeing "A Walk to Remember" opening weekend was not high on their list of priorities. devastated, i settled for what i thought would be the next best thing, buying the book and reading it. one chapter in and i was hooked, undoubtedly five or so hours later, i emerged from my room tearful, and holding the completed book in my hand. "A Walk to Remember" by Nicholas Sparks is a GREAT book, most definitely one of my all time favorites. the downside of finishing the book only made me want to see the movie even more. finally i was able to convince my mom to take my sister and i to see the movie the following weekend, and i absolutely HATED it. they ruined it. they took an amazing book, got rid of everything meaningful, changed characters, and tried to pawn it off under the same name. the next couple of weeks or so i argued with other girls about the quality of the movie, everyone else loved it. reason: they didn't read the book.

being an avid reader, i am completely aware of the saying, "the book is always better than the movie." and i completely agree, in most cases it is. it was at this point in my life that i created the rule that from then on i have very strictly followed:

if it's possible, always see the movie first, THEN read the book. that way you will not only enjoy the movie (having no preconceived expectations) but also love the book when you read it and find out how much more detailed and lovely it is. in my experience this always works. there is no doubt in my mind that if i have already read the book, i am going to hate the movie, and in all the situations where i have seen the movie first, i have loved both. the most recent example would be "Twilight." everyone insisted i read the books, but i waited until after the movie, and therefore i am still a fan of both. the dilemma is now, having read all the books, i probably won't like any of the other installments in the movie series. oh well.

the one possible exception in my past has always been Harry Potter. i started those books way before they were even expected to do a movie, so i couldn't help the order. but in most cases they have done a great job converting the books into the movies. it was probably this precise fact that caused me to go against all that i believe in and break my own rule.

i started rereading Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, (mistake number 1) two days before the midnight showing (mistake number 2). WHAT WAS I THINKING? sadly i cannot answer that myself, i have no idea! (i nod my head in shame) the book was just sitting on my shelf, and clearly i have a problem rereading books, i just couldn't help myself. anyway with the book fresh in my mind, i went and saw the midnight showing (mistake number 3). needless to say i was the girl up in the front violently shaking her head, and making ridiculously angry over exaggerated facial expressions and body movements. thank god it was dark and most of the theatre was behind me. in that late hour, i felt like the movie had failed me.

but now i have calmed down, spoken to my sister (my official guide to all things harry potter) and have decided that i need to see the movie again. i have accepted my bad choices and am going to have to live with my mistakes. but i hope that with the book out of mind, and a couple week hiatus, i'll be able to fully enjoy the humor and bad ass scenes that so many other people loved. and if not, then i'll really know i hated it.

moral of the story: always read the book after seeing the movie.