i have a million things to say, but i can't seem to take the ridiculous run-on paragraphs that come out of my head and turn them into coherent sentences.
aaaaaaaaggggghhhhhh
(was that coherent?)
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
A Letter, With Love
Dear Woman trying to make an example out of me to her daughter,
While I understand that you caught me at a "low" point in my retail career, (doing the store a favor by taking out some trash), and how that might have given you the assumption that I am of low stature, it does not however make me deaf. Therefore as a piece of advice next time you feel the need to exclaim to your teenage daughter "That's what happens when don't go to college," you might want to try using your indoor voice. I would also suggest switching from an obvious pointing gesture to something a bit more subtle, like a head nod.
I'd next like to point out the fact that while you obviously think I am ill educated, you yourself don't seem like the sharpest tool in the shed. Along with your tact, it seems quite clear that you have forgotten that little jingle they teach you in high school. "when you assume you make an ass out of you and me." Although in this occasion you really just made an ass out of yourself. Despite your need to publicly point out my apparent lack of intelligence, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, figuring that in order for you to make such a harsh judgement, that you must have some sort of college degree yourself. While I would very much like to know from what University and in what major, I'll leave that conversation for another time.
I think you'll be more than shocked to know that I too am an educated woman, and I am willing to bet that I'm even more educated than you. Now that's not an assumption, that's an actual hypothesis I created on a little bit of research I did. By analyzing the rude way you think it's okay to talk down to people, and your tawdry way of doing it, combined with what appears to be your feeling that your status is so beyond mine you can't even address me like a fellow human being, I can reasonably conclude that you are a fucking idiot.
My concerns over your comment are as follows: First and foremost I am absolutely appalled that you think I look old enough to have completely thrown my life away. What should I be doing (at TWENTY FOUR) that would be considered a more respectable lifestyle? Curiously what career path did you chose that allows you to wander low end retail parking lots in the middle of the day? Judging by your salon-ed hair, designer clothes, stuck up attitude, and giant rock glimmering off your left finger, you really put that "college degree" to use. Secondly where the hell were you raised that gives you the audacity to make comments like that out loud? I'm pretty sure they have a word for women who marry for money, can't shut their mouth, and have a complete lack of class....
It's clear that you have a colorful assortment of character flaws that need to be worked out, starting first and foremost with your delusional idea that we're functioning on some sort of Valley Caste System and you're the one sitting at the top. Retail is not in any way synonymous with uneducated. Though it hardly requires the credentials and qualifications needed for "Gold Digging Housewife," we still manage to go to college and *gasp* even pursue higher degrees. So next time you see me toting trash out the back door, take my advice, lean over to your daughter and repeat after me, "That's what happens when you're being a decent human being." That will at least give us a small fleck of hope that she won't turn into the same steel hearted bitch bimbo that you turned out to be.
Love,
just some illiterate girl.
While I understand that you caught me at a "low" point in my retail career, (doing the store a favor by taking out some trash), and how that might have given you the assumption that I am of low stature, it does not however make me deaf. Therefore as a piece of advice next time you feel the need to exclaim to your teenage daughter "That's what happens when don't go to college," you might want to try using your indoor voice. I would also suggest switching from an obvious pointing gesture to something a bit more subtle, like a head nod.
I'd next like to point out the fact that while you obviously think I am ill educated, you yourself don't seem like the sharpest tool in the shed. Along with your tact, it seems quite clear that you have forgotten that little jingle they teach you in high school. "when you assume you make an ass out of you and me." Although in this occasion you really just made an ass out of yourself. Despite your need to publicly point out my apparent lack of intelligence, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, figuring that in order for you to make such a harsh judgement, that you must have some sort of college degree yourself. While I would very much like to know from what University and in what major, I'll leave that conversation for another time.
I think you'll be more than shocked to know that I too am an educated woman, and I am willing to bet that I'm even more educated than you. Now that's not an assumption, that's an actual hypothesis I created on a little bit of research I did. By analyzing the rude way you think it's okay to talk down to people, and your tawdry way of doing it, combined with what appears to be your feeling that your status is so beyond mine you can't even address me like a fellow human being, I can reasonably conclude that you are a fucking idiot.
My concerns over your comment are as follows: First and foremost I am absolutely appalled that you think I look old enough to have completely thrown my life away. What should I be doing (at TWENTY FOUR) that would be considered a more respectable lifestyle? Curiously what career path did you chose that allows you to wander low end retail parking lots in the middle of the day? Judging by your salon-ed hair, designer clothes, stuck up attitude, and giant rock glimmering off your left finger, you really put that "college degree" to use. Secondly where the hell were you raised that gives you the audacity to make comments like that out loud? I'm pretty sure they have a word for women who marry for money, can't shut their mouth, and have a complete lack of class....
It's clear that you have a colorful assortment of character flaws that need to be worked out, starting first and foremost with your delusional idea that we're functioning on some sort of Valley Caste System and you're the one sitting at the top. Retail is not in any way synonymous with uneducated. Though it hardly requires the credentials and qualifications needed for "Gold Digging Housewife," we still manage to go to college and *gasp* even pursue higher degrees. So next time you see me toting trash out the back door, take my advice, lean over to your daughter and repeat after me, "That's what happens when you're being a decent human being." That will at least give us a small fleck of hope that she won't turn into the same steel hearted bitch bimbo that you turned out to be.
Love,
just some illiterate girl.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Survival of the Technologic-est
While it’s pretty fantastic how advanced the world has become, I think technology is single handedly destroying civilization as we speak, and this is why:
Technology has made everyone become so entitled. In the past you earned respect based on your education, your ability to be witty and well spoken, or your training in a specific trade, but now every Tom, Dick, and Harry who has access to Wikipedia on their fucking iPhone thinks they have the right to be revered. This is not to say I have anything against Wikipedia, I absolutely do not, what I do have a problem with is stupid people who use this site, and applications like it, as ammo to fuel their douchebaggery. Nowhere does it say that you need to be a total prick to seem smart. I’m smart, and you don’t see me going around talking to people like I am better than them, unless of course it’s a situation where I am better than them. But the difference is, I like to really do some research before I make such a harsh assumption. For example, just because someone might have majored in Apparel Design and Merchandising in college, does not make them dumb.
I do admit that I have a very low tolerance for stupid people, and on one or more occasion might have suggested we sentence them all to death, but I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt. They should at least be able to speak before I make judgment; I think it’s only fair that they earn their blacklisting. I’m sure some of you are shocked at my callousness, but hey, I gave them a chance; I can’t help the fact that people continually insist upon asking unintelligent questions. Darwin didn’t hypothesize “survival of the fittest” for no reason; it wasn’t just a fun whim of his. I mean I haven’t frequented his Wikipedia page recently, but I am pretty sure there was some logic behind that theory. Now, thanks to “Idiots Guide to Basic Instincts” and “Street Smarts for Dummies” we have allowed the stupid people to reproduce, and boy, are they doing so….rapidly.
But it gets worse, not only have we given crutches to the weak, but we have made them celebrities too! Remember the good ole days when you sent your 16 year old pregnant daughter to “vacation” with her aunt for 9 months, well now we give her a TV show. And honestly, the only moral we learn at the end of the episode is that her parents are more mentally incapacitated than she is. Now I’m not one to say I told you so …but this is again a problem that could have been solved a long time ago…had we just let the dumb die out. But what can we expect from a generation growing up watching people with absolutely no talent, or high school educations, becoming television stars. Turns out being stupid is quite glamorous….I wish someone could have clued me in five years ago, I could have saved my parents that money they spent on my mediocre state college education. Crap.
I think the real problem we have created is the fact that there is no distinction between smart phones and smart people. While I am sure that “Worst Case Scenario” app is great when you need to figure out how to suck rattle snake venom out of your friends leg, I’m willing to bet 100 dollars that your friend (who I’m sure is a big dick) did something to piss the snake off. The snake doesn’t have access to Wikipedia; he doesn’t know that we aren’t doing that whole “Darwin thing” anymore. He’s just trying to be an active participant in the circle of life. And I can’t blame him…
Basically what it boils down to is that fact that I feel people who own technology should stop being such entitled jackasses. NEWS FLASH: everyone has access to technology; you’re not some sort of special exception. Therefore please do not talk down to me, or to others you don’t know, unless of course you have some sort of “Official Genius Certificate” to prove you’re not an impostor. While I could be nice and humor you and your supposed intelligence, I lack the patience necessary to wait for your web page to load, so you can finish telling me about that one time the Galapagos Islands were visited by a guy named Charles...
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Dear Readers
To All my Friends and Family who read this blog,
I am really sorry for my absence this entire month of February. I am suffering quite severely from serious writer's block, and am succumbing to the pressure of letting you all down. I had great plans to take the month off, relax, and re launch the blog at the beginning of March. But as it turns out, the design, and content is not quite ready yet. So I am promising to get it all hammered out, and I am expecting to be back (with vengeance) in a couple of weeks. I appreciate your guys' continued support, and it will no doubt be worth the wait. Honest to blog! I plan to do nothing but embarrassing things for the next month, and hopefully provide you with some laughter to enjoy throughout your day. And if nothing else, at least you'll know that you're not the only crazy one out there.
Love,
elle dub
I am really sorry for my absence this entire month of February. I am suffering quite severely from serious writer's block, and am succumbing to the pressure of letting you all down. I had great plans to take the month off, relax, and re launch the blog at the beginning of March. But as it turns out, the design, and content is not quite ready yet. So I am promising to get it all hammered out, and I am expecting to be back (with vengeance) in a couple of weeks. I appreciate your guys' continued support, and it will no doubt be worth the wait. Honest to blog! I plan to do nothing but embarrassing things for the next month, and hopefully provide you with some laughter to enjoy throughout your day. And if nothing else, at least you'll know that you're not the only crazy one out there.
Love,
elle dub
Saturday, January 22, 2011
5,4,3,2,1.....NEXT!
Let me first begin with: I did this for all of you.
Last week I went Speed Dating.
Yep, you read that correctly, as a truly dedicated blog author, I spent a good two hours last Wednesday going on eleven, five minute first dates. One right after each other, whistle blowing included. And much to my disappointment, and now to yours, it was not nearly the disastrous train wreck I was expecting it to be.
Unfortunately none of the guys were extraordinarily creepy, with the exception of three, and even two of those were pleasant-ish to talk to. The only real weirdo, was Michael, possible axe murderer, who tried to smooth talk his way into sitting with us in the car before the event had even started. Luckily we paid enough attention in kindergarten to learn "stranger danger!", and politely declined his request. As if to add to his already creeptastic reputation Michael, axe murderer or not, never ended up coming inside to the speed dating event. He must of been intimidated by my friend and I's ridiculously good looks, but not too intimidated to leave his business card on my friend's windshield. Thanks Michael, we'll give you a ring if we need any axe murdering done.
Once I got over the awkward-ness of having to jot down my suitor's name, and more importantly group number, plus any quick notes about his personality or receding hairline, the experience was actually kind of fun. I mean it made for a pretty raging Wednesday night, at least compared to my usual Wednesdays, which are typically spent laying in bed watching the four hour tivo-ed NCIS marathon from earlier in the day. I LOVE NCIS Wednesdays. I think it would be a safe bet to say this was one of the wilder things I have done on a night mid week, right behind my entire sophomore year in college, but that's another story all together.
When I got home, I was actually pretty excited about the outcome of the evening, and whether it was the endorphins from all the enthralling conversation, or the glass of wine necessary for me to participate in this sort of event, I happily picked a few guys that I liked. In fact it was hard to say no to all the other guys, because a lot of them were actually pretty cool, and I would have loved to be friends. But I figured in a speed dating situation, it would be kind of bitchy to "match" with these guys and then throw down the friend card immediately. I think I have too much compassion to become a speed dating regular, I'm too good at being "interested" in every one's lives. A repercussion of 5 years as a sorority girl.
But as it always has to happen, after I sent my matches in, reality set in and I freaked out. I decided that despite my enjoyable time, I am too young to date any of these guys. The age range for the evening was 23-33, putting me right at the bottom, and as it seemed put all the guys right at the top. Ten years my senior is just too much for me, especially when I suffer from such commitment issues like not being able to decide what day of the week to do laundry. They're probably more interested in the potential for long term, whereas I am more interested in how.... not to do that.
So if by some outrageous chance any of the guys from my speed dating experience, with the exception of axe murdering Michael, stumble upon this blog, I'm sorry to not return any of your advances. Trust me, it's for the better, you might not know it yet, but you should thank me for doing you a favor. I have to potential for being all kinds of crazy. But thanks for a fabulous Wednesday evening, I truly did thoroughly enjoy it.
Last week I went Speed Dating.
Yep, you read that correctly, as a truly dedicated blog author, I spent a good two hours last Wednesday going on eleven, five minute first dates. One right after each other, whistle blowing included. And much to my disappointment, and now to yours, it was not nearly the disastrous train wreck I was expecting it to be.
Unfortunately none of the guys were extraordinarily creepy, with the exception of three, and even two of those were pleasant-ish to talk to. The only real weirdo, was Michael, possible axe murderer, who tried to smooth talk his way into sitting with us in the car before the event had even started. Luckily we paid enough attention in kindergarten to learn "stranger danger!", and politely declined his request. As if to add to his already creeptastic reputation Michael, axe murderer or not, never ended up coming inside to the speed dating event. He must of been intimidated by my friend and I's ridiculously good looks, but not too intimidated to leave his business card on my friend's windshield. Thanks Michael, we'll give you a ring if we need any axe murdering done.
Once I got over the awkward-ness of having to jot down my suitor's name, and more importantly group number, plus any quick notes about his personality or receding hairline, the experience was actually kind of fun. I mean it made for a pretty raging Wednesday night, at least compared to my usual Wednesdays, which are typically spent laying in bed watching the four hour tivo-ed NCIS marathon from earlier in the day. I LOVE NCIS Wednesdays. I think it would be a safe bet to say this was one of the wilder things I have done on a night mid week, right behind my entire sophomore year in college, but that's another story all together.
When I got home, I was actually pretty excited about the outcome of the evening, and whether it was the endorphins from all the enthralling conversation, or the glass of wine necessary for me to participate in this sort of event, I happily picked a few guys that I liked. In fact it was hard to say no to all the other guys, because a lot of them were actually pretty cool, and I would have loved to be friends. But I figured in a speed dating situation, it would be kind of bitchy to "match" with these guys and then throw down the friend card immediately. I think I have too much compassion to become a speed dating regular, I'm too good at being "interested" in every one's lives. A repercussion of 5 years as a sorority girl.
But as it always has to happen, after I sent my matches in, reality set in and I freaked out. I decided that despite my enjoyable time, I am too young to date any of these guys. The age range for the evening was 23-33, putting me right at the bottom, and as it seemed put all the guys right at the top. Ten years my senior is just too much for me, especially when I suffer from such commitment issues like not being able to decide what day of the week to do laundry. They're probably more interested in the potential for long term, whereas I am more interested in how.... not to do that.
So if by some outrageous chance any of the guys from my speed dating experience, with the exception of axe murdering Michael, stumble upon this blog, I'm sorry to not return any of your advances. Trust me, it's for the better, you might not know it yet, but you should thank me for doing you a favor. I have to potential for being all kinds of crazy. But thanks for a fabulous Wednesday evening, I truly did thoroughly enjoy it.
Monday, January 10, 2011
New Year, New Me.....?
I've never really been much for making new years resolutions, mainly because I've never really been much for sticking to them. Have any of us? Sure I'd love to lose ten pounds, or make fewer rude facial expressions to stupid people, but I have always been a realist. Making a promise to myself will in no way solidify that I'll actually make those dreams come true. And I think all of you out there know exactly what I am talking about. We are all enchanted by the idea of a new year bringing a new slate where we can start over fresh. But after three days of dieting sometimes you just want a fucking slice of cake, and those celery sticks just aren't going to cut it. And with the alarmingly large amount of stupid people in the population it's impossible to keep a straight face around each and every one of them. Despite my non existent track record with resolutions, I think I might have stumbled on to a little idea going into 2011. ( As a side note: I realize it has been quite a while since I have blogged, so I would just like to take this moment to say, holy crap, it's 2011?! How the hell did we get here??!).
So this year my "resolution" is such: I am going to try and do more things that I LOVE to do this year. Things like reading books, something I rarely do anymore, it's questionable whether I even still know how to read. Hopefully the proof reading of this post will put me back into the swing of things. I also used to make a lot of headbands and bows, for myself and other people (holler NATH!), which I definitely need get back into doing. I haven't worn a bow in my hair in months, and I think those messy curls are getting quite bitter about it. Plus I have a bunch of new ideas, so I need an outlet to pour my creativeness into. I want to start sewing again regularly, and not just for school projects, for all kinds of things, especially the gifts I still owe to people (I'll get to those shirts eventually Dad, Danny, and Jason....i promise), and all the tailoring I apparently have to do for all my friends clothing. And finally I want to spend more time outdoors, hiking, rollerblading, bike riding, etc. All of these things make me happy and therefore they need to be necessities in my 2011.
I think I have gotten off to a good start so far, I went bike riding with my parents just the other day. That was an experience in itself, nothing makes you feel like a third wheel more than being a single bike desperately trying to keep up with my parents on their tandem bicycle. I don't know if they are just in way better shape than I am, I maintain two people on one bike obviously can go faster than one, but I spent the entire ride a good twenty feet behind them. And frantically trying to catch up, which never happened until they stopped. Guess I'll have to do some secret training of my own, if we are going to keep up that Saturday morning tradition.
Anyway, I think the key to this resolution is the fact that I don't have to learn to do anything new. All of the things I want to start doing this year are activities that I already know how to do. You've reached that "aha" moment now, haven't you? That's right, I have created the perfect resolution for a lazy person like myself, just continue doing things I'm already good at. This way come March, when all of those new gym go-ers are fizzling out from exhaustion, I'll still be happily sewing up a bow storm. So take that new year's resolutions, 2011 is gonna be my year.
In other news I am heading off to Vegas in 3 days, I'm breaking in the stilettos as we speak, so watch out Sin City, I'm ready for some fun. I'm hoping to be inspired out of this writers block I have been suffering from, so more frequent posts to come, I promise. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, unless it's just absolutely ridiculous (which if it involves me, it usually is) and then I'll have to blog about it. I hope the new year has treated you all well so far, I look forward to sharing lots of shenanigans in 2011!!!
.
So this year my "resolution" is such: I am going to try and do more things that I LOVE to do this year. Things like reading books, something I rarely do anymore, it's questionable whether I even still know how to read. Hopefully the proof reading of this post will put me back into the swing of things. I also used to make a lot of headbands and bows, for myself and other people (holler NATH!), which I definitely need get back into doing. I haven't worn a bow in my hair in months, and I think those messy curls are getting quite bitter about it. Plus I have a bunch of new ideas, so I need an outlet to pour my creativeness into. I want to start sewing again regularly, and not just for school projects, for all kinds of things, especially the gifts I still owe to people (I'll get to those shirts eventually Dad, Danny, and Jason....i promise), and all the tailoring I apparently have to do for all my friends clothing. And finally I want to spend more time outdoors, hiking, rollerblading, bike riding, etc. All of these things make me happy and therefore they need to be necessities in my 2011.
I think I have gotten off to a good start so far, I went bike riding with my parents just the other day. That was an experience in itself, nothing makes you feel like a third wheel more than being a single bike desperately trying to keep up with my parents on their tandem bicycle. I don't know if they are just in way better shape than I am, I maintain two people on one bike obviously can go faster than one, but I spent the entire ride a good twenty feet behind them. And frantically trying to catch up, which never happened until they stopped. Guess I'll have to do some secret training of my own, if we are going to keep up that Saturday morning tradition.
Anyway, I think the key to this resolution is the fact that I don't have to learn to do anything new. All of the things I want to start doing this year are activities that I already know how to do. You've reached that "aha" moment now, haven't you? That's right, I have created the perfect resolution for a lazy person like myself, just continue doing things I'm already good at. This way come March, when all of those new gym go-ers are fizzling out from exhaustion, I'll still be happily sewing up a bow storm. So take that new year's resolutions, 2011 is gonna be my year.
In other news I am heading off to Vegas in 3 days, I'm breaking in the stilettos as we speak, so watch out Sin City, I'm ready for some fun. I'm hoping to be inspired out of this writers block I have been suffering from, so more frequent posts to come, I promise. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, unless it's just absolutely ridiculous (which if it involves me, it usually is) and then I'll have to blog about it. I hope the new year has treated you all well so far, I look forward to sharing lots of shenanigans in 2011!!!
.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Christmas Crazy
It's official....less than 12 hours until Christmas. I think it's pretty safe to say that if you haven't gotten your gifts by now you need to calmly surrender, go home, and spend the next couple hours crafting some really spectacular IOU's. Sometimes we all have to admit defeat. This just wasn't your year, and you now know you need to get started just a tad earlier come The 2011 Holiday Season.
My morning was filled with people who did not have a wise person like myself around to give them such advice. Instead I dealt over and over again with angry people's shock over the fact that we were sold out of the items they wanted. As an FYI to them for the future: it is not unreasonable for a store to be sold out of a product at 10am....the day before Christmas. A bit more advice for those same customers: "But you have it advertised in the ad!" is not a justification for you having the right to be angry. First off that ad came out four days ago. Second, and really the only point necessary for this argument, that's how ads are supposed to work! We send them out, put things on sale, and then people come and buy them, and when they buy them all, then we are sold out. It's pretty easy to comprehend. In a case like that it turns out the whole advertising thing worked, you were just to slow on the up go. So go home and yell at yourself rather than get all up in my kool-aid...because you aren't even close to knowing the flavor.
Merry Christmas and Happy Chinese Food and a Movie day to ya'll!! Stop terrorizing retail associates and go enjoy the glorious weather we're having in SoCal!!
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Jeans+ Leggings = : (
With the overwhelming popularity of "jeggings", I think it's important that we ask ourselves when did it become okay to wear pants with elastic waistbands?
Unless you're having a bad day, ill, or you're drastically out of clean laundry and you're rocking sweatpants, you should be able to accept the fact you are over the age of five and are perfectly capable of operating a fly front zipper and button. It's not rocket science, and I think it is just something that you need to come to terms with as a part of becoming and adult. I would say it is similar to things like not being able to throw public temper tantrums, no longer being able to eat off the kids menu, and being chastised for using the swings in the public park. Sometimes sacrifices need to be made; and wearing pants is one of the most important ones. So you might as well do it right, and get yourself a pair of back-pocketed, button up, big girl pants.
To be honest, this "jegging" fad has me absolutely baffled. I'm not sure why people are going crazy over them like they've never seen anything like them before. Well I am hear to tell you that there have been elastic waist banded jeans on the market for years; they're called maternity pants, and they have been readily available in any section geared towards expecting mothers.
I have so many issues with these pants it's ridiculous. I think a big part of the reason grown ups should not be allowed to wear them is because they could not come up with a more age appropriate name. It sounds like something fake and made up, and if this so called "inventor" of the "jegging" had actually created a new product, then they could have taken the time to give it a more thought worthy name. I also cant imagine your boyfriend thinks it's super sexy when you show up for your date wearing giant toddler pants. Unless of course he is into that kind of thing, in which case he should probably be in jail.
I see nothing about these pants that is a good idea. They have been making tight stretchy jeans for years that come fully equipped with a button and a fly, so why we need "tighter" ones I have no idea. Not to mention most of these jeggings come without back pockets or functioning front pockets, which you know I have an even bigger issue with. I only pray that these are a trend that fades quickly, I am sick of dealing with grown adults walking into my store and asking me to point them in the direction of the "jegging."
Although....this is a look I think I could get behind.
Unless you're having a bad day, ill, or you're drastically out of clean laundry and you're rocking sweatpants, you should be able to accept the fact you are over the age of five and are perfectly capable of operating a fly front zipper and button. It's not rocket science, and I think it is just something that you need to come to terms with as a part of becoming and adult. I would say it is similar to things like not being able to throw public temper tantrums, no longer being able to eat off the kids menu, and being chastised for using the swings in the public park. Sometimes sacrifices need to be made; and wearing pants is one of the most important ones. So you might as well do it right, and get yourself a pair of back-pocketed, button up, big girl pants.
To be honest, this "jegging" fad has me absolutely baffled. I'm not sure why people are going crazy over them like they've never seen anything like them before. Well I am hear to tell you that there have been elastic waist banded jeans on the market for years; they're called maternity pants, and they have been readily available in any section geared towards expecting mothers.
I have so many issues with these pants it's ridiculous. I think a big part of the reason grown ups should not be allowed to wear them is because they could not come up with a more age appropriate name. It sounds like something fake and made up, and if this so called "inventor" of the "jegging" had actually created a new product, then they could have taken the time to give it a more thought worthy name. I also cant imagine your boyfriend thinks it's super sexy when you show up for your date wearing giant toddler pants. Unless of course he is into that kind of thing, in which case he should probably be in jail.
I see nothing about these pants that is a good idea. They have been making tight stretchy jeans for years that come fully equipped with a button and a fly, so why we need "tighter" ones I have no idea. Not to mention most of these jeggings come without back pockets or functioning front pockets, which you know I have an even bigger issue with. I only pray that these are a trend that fades quickly, I am sick of dealing with grown adults walking into my store and asking me to point them in the direction of the "jegging."
Although....this is a look I think I could get behind.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Pet PEEEVED
While I doubt anyone really enjoys parking, the one thing I absolutely cannot stand about the whole process is having to search for a spot. I have always been a snag the first spot I see kind of a parker, even if it's miles away from the entrance. I'd much rather walk than drive around trying to find that "perfect spot." By the time you find it, I probably could have walked to the store, done my shopping, and made it back just as you're pulling in. It's an absolute waste of time, and I hate being unnecessarily unproductive. I like to procrastinate with a purpose. Plus anything that prolongs shopping is obviously a very bad thing.
The only thing I hate more about parking: getting stuck behind a dumb ass while they search for their PERFECT spot. Come on now, I know we are taught from a young age to never give up on our dreams, but searching for a parking spot that requires you to walk less than 10 feet to the entrance is just not obtainable. But the good news is that you just won the LAZIEST person in the world award. Congrats! It comes in bumper sticker form, so all the other drivers on the road know to avoid you. Maybe instead of ragging on all the un-nutritional factors of junk food, let's just teach the next generation that it's okay to walk (at a moderate to brisk pace... please).
I always love a good moral, so the knowledge you should gain from the end of this story is; learn that it's OKAY to walk a little bit. Especially when it means you get into a parking spot faster, and out of my way. Also if you're ever in a situation where I'm the driver and we are parking, you have been warned, I hope you brought your walking shoes!
I always love a good moral, so the knowledge you should gain from the end of this story is; learn that it's OKAY to walk a little bit. Especially when it means you get into a parking spot faster, and out of my way. Also if you're ever in a situation where I'm the driver and we are parking, you have been warned, I hope you brought your walking shoes!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
A Letter, With Love
Dear Beloved Black Friday Shoppers,
I first have to say that I commend your dedication, and applaud your endurance and perseverance. While I myself love to shop, I have never been much for crowds and I lack the patience for waiting long periods of time. So I have to give you credit for your determination for grabbing "great deals." Now that we have gotten that out of the way, you guys need to CALM the fuck DOWN.
It's early, I think my bloodshot red eyes are pretty clearly reiterating that fact. I know you too are suffering from the dark hour, due to your zombie like state and apparent feeling that pajamas were an acceptable outfit for this public outing. So therefore you are really going to need to tone down the rude. I understand that you are tired, I am too, it's 3:00 AM, but if you cannot control your crankiness, I am going to have to suggest that Black Friday shopping is probably not the sport for you. I don't know if you were unsure of what exactly Black Friday entailed, but you should never have expected to get into a store, pick up your items, and then check out in a jiff. Did the hundred other people standing in line with you waiting for the store to open not imply that it could be a bit of a wait at the cash registers? I sure know when I walked in and saw the line wrapped around the entire store my first thought was, "Holy crap! I bet that's a long wait."
Luckily you were able to pass the time with all of your complaining. Nothing makes a line move faster than a bunch of negative remarks being spewed everywhere. And that complaining sure kept you busy, so much so that you had no time to sift through the trash bags of clothes that you had collected to decide what you actually wanted. That's an activity saved for the registers when it is finally your time to check out. It was great just sitting there helpless while you debated whether or not you really needed half of the items in your bag. Way to really actively help in getting that line moving. And don't worry, I don't actually need any space on my cash register to ring things up, bring on the go backs!
Just one last thing, more of a questions really, out of my own curiosity. Did I miss the memo where children no longer have bed times? Is it really appropriate to have your four and five year old kids with you at 3 am, shopping? Not letting them sleep has to be some sort of child abuse...and I know I am no expert in parenting, but the possible reasoning for their crying temper tantrums, could be as a result of their not getting to go to bed. Just something to keep in mind for next time.
Hope you really saved on ALL those deals.
Love,
Lauren
P.S Thanks for this.
I first have to say that I commend your dedication, and applaud your endurance and perseverance. While I myself love to shop, I have never been much for crowds and I lack the patience for waiting long periods of time. So I have to give you credit for your determination for grabbing "great deals." Now that we have gotten that out of the way, you guys need to CALM the fuck DOWN.
It's early, I think my bloodshot red eyes are pretty clearly reiterating that fact. I know you too are suffering from the dark hour, due to your zombie like state and apparent feeling that pajamas were an acceptable outfit for this public outing. So therefore you are really going to need to tone down the rude. I understand that you are tired, I am too, it's 3:00 AM, but if you cannot control your crankiness, I am going to have to suggest that Black Friday shopping is probably not the sport for you. I don't know if you were unsure of what exactly Black Friday entailed, but you should never have expected to get into a store, pick up your items, and then check out in a jiff. Did the hundred other people standing in line with you waiting for the store to open not imply that it could be a bit of a wait at the cash registers? I sure know when I walked in and saw the line wrapped around the entire store my first thought was, "Holy crap! I bet that's a long wait."
Luckily you were able to pass the time with all of your complaining. Nothing makes a line move faster than a bunch of negative remarks being spewed everywhere. And that complaining sure kept you busy, so much so that you had no time to sift through the trash bags of clothes that you had collected to decide what you actually wanted. That's an activity saved for the registers when it is finally your time to check out. It was great just sitting there helpless while you debated whether or not you really needed half of the items in your bag. Way to really actively help in getting that line moving. And don't worry, I don't actually need any space on my cash register to ring things up, bring on the go backs!
Just one last thing, more of a questions really, out of my own curiosity. Did I miss the memo where children no longer have bed times? Is it really appropriate to have your four and five year old kids with you at 3 am, shopping? Not letting them sleep has to be some sort of child abuse...and I know I am no expert in parenting, but the possible reasoning for their crying temper tantrums, could be as a result of their not getting to go to bed. Just something to keep in mind for next time.
Hope you really saved on ALL those deals.
Love,
Lauren
P.S Thanks for this.
Monday, November 22, 2010
No Jimmy, THANK YOU!
I haven't really watched much of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, mainly because his interviews always seem to be pretty awkward. Why I don't love that, I am not sure. I am usually quite fond of awkward situations, but I guess when I am not directly involved, they just make me uncomfortable. Anyway, I always catch the random clip here and there, and every time I think, hmmm I should really start watching this show. I think I can manage through awkward interviews to see Justin Timberlake and Mr. Fallon perform A History of Rap. (amaaaazing!)
But what I am obsessed with even more right now is this little gem, I stumbled across. Apparently Jimmy is big on correspondence, only problem is he just never has enough time to do it, EVERY week. So he takes some time on Fridays to write thank you notes on his show. Last night I sat for probably and hour and watched a whole bunch of them in a row. It was a pretty amazing hour that had me in tears. I think you've converted me Jimmy, I'll definitely be tuning in to your show a lot more often....especially on Fridays. (or at least watching it on Hulu the next morning. )
If you haven't ever seen them, here are a few to check out. And even if you have seen them, I hope they make you laugh again!
(excuse the awkward sizing. i'm sure it doesn't bother year NEARLY as much as it bothers me.)
But what I am obsessed with even more right now is this little gem, I stumbled across. Apparently Jimmy is big on correspondence, only problem is he just never has enough time to do it, EVERY week. So he takes some time on Fridays to write thank you notes on his show. Last night I sat for probably and hour and watched a whole bunch of them in a row. It was a pretty amazing hour that had me in tears. I think you've converted me Jimmy, I'll definitely be tuning in to your show a lot more often....especially on Fridays. (or at least watching it on Hulu the next morning. )
If you haven't ever seen them, here are a few to check out. And even if you have seen them, I hope they make you laugh again!
(excuse the awkward sizing. i'm sure it doesn't bother year NEARLY as much as it bothers me.)
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Little Anecdotes
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| Careful....this could be scary! |
Welcome to life with the Weldens. Come on over, we'll make you a five flavor ice cream sundae.... with all the fixings.
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| My parents are very distinguished |
Sunday, November 7, 2010
November Schmovember
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| November Night with the Girls |
The beginning of the Holiday season!! Woo hoo. I absolutely love this time of year; pumpkin flavored everything, hot chocolate, ice skating, hats, boots, insane amounts of Welden baking, and just good ole quality time with the family. Not to mention Thanksgiving food! My favorite, and this year I have to eat double time, because last year I was a vegetarian, so I missed out on all the turkey and ham. I assume I'll probably eat myself into a turkey coma, but don't worry I'll make sure I get in my fair share of candied yams before I pass out. Can't wait! Then Hanukkah and Christmas; hello latkes and lots of delicious desserts. I'm really into food, in case you couldn't tell. And then January, which means a New Year, but most
importantly....VEGAS!
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| Last year's amazing Vegas Adventure |
Although I couldn't be more excited for the Holidays, November also means the end of my social life as we know it. I am about to enter into a retail black hole and I won't be resurfacing until January 1st. That is if I don't get rampaged by some crazed, money saving, stroller pushing, raging mother trying to swoop up all the best deals for all her Holiday shopping. When working in such a dangerous industry as retail, this occurrence is a very plausible possibility. But what this means for you guys, my loyal followers, is lots of stories about shopping psychos. This will include, but not be limited to, a crazy shift on Black Friday, starting at 3am, and the glorious 36 hours that my store has decided to stay open for some non stop last minute Christmas shopping. Hilarity and stupidity are sure to ensue.
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| Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum |
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| Welden Family Halloween 2010 |
Yep, that's us. In dog masks. Playing poker on the front porch. And handing out candy. A lot of people got a good kick out of it, so I'll admit it was a witty idea of my fathers. Things I learned from that evening: I'm always in when it comes to poker. Especially when I haven't seen the flop yet. And I am always down for a good $600 bet, even when I have absolutely nothing. Despite my arguments, "almost a straight" and "almost a flush" mean nothing when it comes to Poker with the fam. I find this to be ridiculous.
For those of you who enjoy shopping at any Old Navy, Gap or Banana Republic, it's friends and family weekend starting on the 11th. Here's a coupon for 30% off all the stores. Use it and reuse it and enjoy! 5% of all the purchases go to my charity Feed America! Cute clothes and a mitzvah at the same time. Could you ask for more!
Give and Get is Here!: "Enjoy 30% off from November 11-14 at Gap, Banana Republic and Old Navy plus we'll make a 5% donation to a non-profit."
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
FREE.99
Everyone loves free samples. Everyone also loves Costco. Now I'll go ahead and apply some of that scientific research skill I am learning in grad school to create the following theory: Everyone loves Costco because they have free samples.
I honestly think that's the stone cold truth. I mean why else do people need to shop there? Who could possibly need at 80 ounce bucket of peanut butter? Or a 150 pack of cup o noodles. Let alone if it's not a perishable item, who even has room to store all of these bulk bargains. I remember when I moved to college I thought Costco and I were going to build a beautiful relationship, but I quickly realized it was going to have to be either my wardrobe or a semester's worth of peanut butter in my closet. Despite San Francisco being "liberal" they still haven't developed a clothing optional policy, so my choice was pretty much made for me.
Now if you're a real stickler for some facts to back up this theory of mine, I think the last trip I took to Costco will sufficiently suffice. Last Friday around noon my Dad and I ventured to the great bulk food supplier. When we pulled into the parking lot, my first concern was why there were so many freaking people at Costco on a Friday at noon. Don't people work anymore? Well I am sure you are asking, "Hey Lauren, you weren't at work either..." My response to that, "I doubt all of those people at Costco are blessed with a glorious retail job like myself." I know some of them are just sneaking off on their lunch breaks to cash in on free samples, which leads me to my next issue.
The love people have developed for free samples has become unhealthy and possibly damaging to our society. I was actually concerned for my safety while in the store. Now granted, since my new found (well not so new anymore) glutarded-ness, I can rarely eat the free samples, so possibly that has given me a much clearer mind. Everyone else has freaking tunnel vision. They're minds are on one thing and one thing only: free samples! MUST GET FREE SAMPLES! Those people take that mentality and run, literally run. From this trip alone, I realized that these crazed sample get-ers can be categorized into five different categories; each just as problematic and tantalizing as the rest.
1. The Repeat Offender: I saw you try and sneak a second sample! Move over buddy, some of us are still waiting for firsts. I understand that that spinach ravioli was a burst of flavor to the mouth, but maybe you should stop being such a Jew and just invest in a bag (or in Costco's case, eight bags) and enjoy the delicacy at home. Despite what you think, not making direct eye contact with anyone does not make you invisible. I saw that attempt at a second sample and so did the woman running the station. Get some dignity and just walk away.
2. The Immediate Stopper: Yes, I agree, that roasted turkey was good, but was it really that good that you needed to stop in the middle of the aisle, the space that is actually designated for WALKING or passing other stopped people on the sides, abandon your cart, and rush over to the sample station? Have we learned nothing from Dane Cook? I doubt that the three seconds it would have taken for you to politely push your cart out of the way would have deterred you from receiving that small piece of turkey. A little something for you to think about next time you're willing to risk cart abandonment, just for a fraction of a small snack.
3. The Immediate Stopper and Cart Turner Outer: Just imagine shopper number 2, only this time she turns her cart horizontal in the aisle, so there is no hope of breaking through. I could give you the benefit of the doubt and assume this is some sort of protective tactic to slow other people down and ensure that you receive your free samp, but I won't. Instead I know that you live in a world of oblivion, where other people's lives mean nothing to you. Especially when there is the possibility of a free sample on the horizon. but please don't worry about me, I'll just stand around behind your blockade staring mindlessly at the 12 packs of cereal. I was hoping for a 15 minute period of rest time anyway.
4. The Patient Waiter: They say that patience is a virtue. In this instance though, I think it's more a pathetic attribute to have. Is it really so necessary that you wait fifteen minutes so you can try a eighth of a ham and cheese hot pocket? I can tell you, having had a hot pocket or two in my day, it's not really worth the wait. So creating crowds around the sample tables not only makes it harder for everyone to maneuver around, but it just makes you look sad and desperate. If you plan to sit and wait fifteen minutes for every sample table, you have just extended your quick trip to Costco into a 2 hour debacle. There is a pretty simple elegance to doing Costco sampling right; you hit up all the ready ones first and then double back cart less (for better agility) for the ones that you missed. Then at least you're much more discreet about your desperate need to have every sample in the store.
5. The Cuts You Off Bee-Liner: This in my opinion is the worst of all the offenders. This person has lost every ounce of their integrity and humanity, and is to the point where they will do ANYTHING to get their free sample. They have sold their soul to the sample Gods and go into a complete frenzy when they see the opportunity of something free close by. They use their cart as a weapon to cut you off, slow you down, or just cause you repeated physical pain until you get of their way. Their only duty is to dispose of anything blocking their path to the hair netted woman holding a cube of cheese on a toothpick. They are relentless, and it's best if you discover one early on, to stay out of their way, because they will have no problem mowing you down if you so much as slow them from getting their sample.
Costco can be a jungle of crazy people. If you're not interested in fighting to the death, it's probably a good idea to either go early on, or later in the evening, when the samples are closed. Then you will find other like minded, fearful, and timid shoppers, jumping at the sound of any shopping cart speeding up behind them. I think it has been one too many times that I have had to deal with the cesspool of idiocricy that has developed in this store, and it has definitely decreased my need to go in. I am happy to say that I finally realized the samples just aren't worth it. Plus my ankles can't deal with anymore cart ramming damage.
Now if you're a real stickler for some facts to back up this theory of mine, I think the last trip I took to Costco will sufficiently suffice. Last Friday around noon my Dad and I ventured to the great bulk food supplier. When we pulled into the parking lot, my first concern was why there were so many freaking people at Costco on a Friday at noon. Don't people work anymore? Well I am sure you are asking, "Hey Lauren, you weren't at work either..." My response to that, "I doubt all of those people at Costco are blessed with a glorious retail job like myself." I know some of them are just sneaking off on their lunch breaks to cash in on free samples, which leads me to my next issue.
The love people have developed for free samples has become unhealthy and possibly damaging to our society. I was actually concerned for my safety while in the store. Now granted, since my new found (well not so new anymore) glutarded-ness, I can rarely eat the free samples, so possibly that has given me a much clearer mind. Everyone else has freaking tunnel vision. They're minds are on one thing and one thing only: free samples! MUST GET FREE SAMPLES! Those people take that mentality and run, literally run. From this trip alone, I realized that these crazed sample get-ers can be categorized into five different categories; each just as problematic and tantalizing as the rest.
1. The Repeat Offender: I saw you try and sneak a second sample! Move over buddy, some of us are still waiting for firsts. I understand that that spinach ravioli was a burst of flavor to the mouth, but maybe you should stop being such a Jew and just invest in a bag (or in Costco's case, eight bags) and enjoy the delicacy at home. Despite what you think, not making direct eye contact with anyone does not make you invisible. I saw that attempt at a second sample and so did the woman running the station. Get some dignity and just walk away.
2. The Immediate Stopper: Yes, I agree, that roasted turkey was good, but was it really that good that you needed to stop in the middle of the aisle, the space that is actually designated for WALKING or passing other stopped people on the sides, abandon your cart, and rush over to the sample station? Have we learned nothing from Dane Cook? I doubt that the three seconds it would have taken for you to politely push your cart out of the way would have deterred you from receiving that small piece of turkey. A little something for you to think about next time you're willing to risk cart abandonment, just for a fraction of a small snack.
3. The Immediate Stopper and Cart Turner Outer: Just imagine shopper number 2, only this time she turns her cart horizontal in the aisle, so there is no hope of breaking through. I could give you the benefit of the doubt and assume this is some sort of protective tactic to slow other people down and ensure that you receive your free samp, but I won't. Instead I know that you live in a world of oblivion, where other people's lives mean nothing to you. Especially when there is the possibility of a free sample on the horizon. but please don't worry about me, I'll just stand around behind your blockade staring mindlessly at the 12 packs of cereal. I was hoping for a 15 minute period of rest time anyway.
4. The Patient Waiter: They say that patience is a virtue. In this instance though, I think it's more a pathetic attribute to have. Is it really so necessary that you wait fifteen minutes so you can try a eighth of a ham and cheese hot pocket? I can tell you, having had a hot pocket or two in my day, it's not really worth the wait. So creating crowds around the sample tables not only makes it harder for everyone to maneuver around, but it just makes you look sad and desperate. If you plan to sit and wait fifteen minutes for every sample table, you have just extended your quick trip to Costco into a 2 hour debacle. There is a pretty simple elegance to doing Costco sampling right; you hit up all the ready ones first and then double back cart less (for better agility) for the ones that you missed. Then at least you're much more discreet about your desperate need to have every sample in the store.
5. The Cuts You Off Bee-Liner: This in my opinion is the worst of all the offenders. This person has lost every ounce of their integrity and humanity, and is to the point where they will do ANYTHING to get their free sample. They have sold their soul to the sample Gods and go into a complete frenzy when they see the opportunity of something free close by. They use their cart as a weapon to cut you off, slow you down, or just cause you repeated physical pain until you get of their way. Their only duty is to dispose of anything blocking their path to the hair netted woman holding a cube of cheese on a toothpick. They are relentless, and it's best if you discover one early on, to stay out of their way, because they will have no problem mowing you down if you so much as slow them from getting their sample.
Costco can be a jungle of crazy people. If you're not interested in fighting to the death, it's probably a good idea to either go early on, or later in the evening, when the samples are closed. Then you will find other like minded, fearful, and timid shoppers, jumping at the sound of any shopping cart speeding up behind them. I think it has been one too many times that I have had to deal with the cesspool of idiocricy that has developed in this store, and it has definitely decreased my need to go in. I am happy to say that I finally realized the samples just aren't worth it. Plus my ankles can't deal with anymore cart ramming damage.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
A Letter, With Love
Dear Man from the Jersey Shore, shopping at my store this afternoon,
First of all this is California. I don't care how popular MTV has made the Jersey shore, but I'm not having it. You're obnoxious accent and "all about me" attitude was not charming the customer service out of me, and I could care less if all you do is gym, tan and laundry. But that's okay, I could tell you were a d-bag the minute you walked over to the graphic thermals. Really? Nothing quite says douche like "Untouchable" written across your chest in a smocked velvet.
But as if that wasn't enough, because it definitely wasn't, I think it was probably pretty unnecessary to melt into a panic over the lack of sizes we had. The shirts are dirt cheap, and we don't have a thermal tree behind the store, so when people buy them, we tend to run out. It's a tough life out there. What I especially loved was the fact that you asked me eight times if we had any in the back. Each time I politely responded with "No", but I guess you didn't hear. I probably should have gone back and checked though, I forgot about how if a customer asks if you have stock in the back ten times, it magically appears. My bad. Even when I explained that I am actually the visual merchandiser for Men's, and therefore I have a very accurate grasp on how much stuff we don't have in our stock room, you didn't seem to quite understand.
What concerned me most though was your apparent worry for what size you wore and whether or not it was going to shrink. The whole situation really seemed to stress you out. For me, it was less stress and more.....frustration. It was pretty disheartening that I actually got to put my degree to use, explaining that a 40/60 cotton/poly blend really wouldn't shrink, being that polyester is a super fiber and all, and it just went in one ear and right out the other. I assume you had more important things to worry about like gym, tan, and laundry. So for the fifth time, when you said, "Are you sure this won't shrink?" I just answered with, "Yeah, you're right, it probably will." I hope you have a good steroid supplier at home, because you're gonna need something to fill out that lack of shrinkage. Although, I have heard steroids could cause some shrinking of their own......
But the cherry on top of the entire rendezvous was when you asked if you could try the shirt on right there. I auto replied yes, because I assumed, like when I try shirts in IN stores, that you had an under shirt on. What you should have asked was, is it okay if I take my shirt off, and stand topless in the front of your store. Being that this is not Abercrombie and Fitch I would have replied, "No, I think that's a bit inappropriate." Because it was. Not one person who walked into the store during the ten minutes you didn't have a shirt on enjoyed it one bit. Especially not me, who had to sit and advise on which size I felt was better. And I have to comment, it looks like you need a little work on both the gym and the tan.
So please spare me next time. I am pretty sure our entire interaction cost me more brain cells than I would have liked to give up. And a little advice for next time: No shoes, NO SHIRT, no service: it's a rule for a reason.
Love,
Lauren
First of all this is California. I don't care how popular MTV has made the Jersey shore, but I'm not having it. You're obnoxious accent and "all about me" attitude was not charming the customer service out of me, and I could care less if all you do is gym, tan and laundry. But that's okay, I could tell you were a d-bag the minute you walked over to the graphic thermals. Really? Nothing quite says douche like "Untouchable" written across your chest in a smocked velvet.
But as if that wasn't enough, because it definitely wasn't, I think it was probably pretty unnecessary to melt into a panic over the lack of sizes we had. The shirts are dirt cheap, and we don't have a thermal tree behind the store, so when people buy them, we tend to run out. It's a tough life out there. What I especially loved was the fact that you asked me eight times if we had any in the back. Each time I politely responded with "No", but I guess you didn't hear. I probably should have gone back and checked though, I forgot about how if a customer asks if you have stock in the back ten times, it magically appears. My bad. Even when I explained that I am actually the visual merchandiser for Men's, and therefore I have a very accurate grasp on how much stuff we don't have in our stock room, you didn't seem to quite understand.
What concerned me most though was your apparent worry for what size you wore and whether or not it was going to shrink. The whole situation really seemed to stress you out. For me, it was less stress and more.....frustration. It was pretty disheartening that I actually got to put my degree to use, explaining that a 40/60 cotton/poly blend really wouldn't shrink, being that polyester is a super fiber and all, and it just went in one ear and right out the other. I assume you had more important things to worry about like gym, tan, and laundry. So for the fifth time, when you said, "Are you sure this won't shrink?" I just answered with, "Yeah, you're right, it probably will." I hope you have a good steroid supplier at home, because you're gonna need something to fill out that lack of shrinkage. Although, I have heard steroids could cause some shrinking of their own......
But the cherry on top of the entire rendezvous was when you asked if you could try the shirt on right there. I auto replied yes, because I assumed, like when I try shirts in IN stores, that you had an under shirt on. What you should have asked was, is it okay if I take my shirt off, and stand topless in the front of your store. Being that this is not Abercrombie and Fitch I would have replied, "No, I think that's a bit inappropriate." Because it was. Not one person who walked into the store during the ten minutes you didn't have a shirt on enjoyed it one bit. Especially not me, who had to sit and advise on which size I felt was better. And I have to comment, it looks like you need a little work on both the gym and the tan.
So please spare me next time. I am pretty sure our entire interaction cost me more brain cells than I would have liked to give up. And a little advice for next time: No shoes, NO SHIRT, no service: it's a rule for a reason.
Love,
Lauren
Friday, October 15, 2010
Things I Learned/Thoughts I Had While in the South
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| navigation tool collection |
You should check your GPS software before you embark upon your adventure. Dealing with a GPS that does not recognize Mississippi, Tennessee, Arkansas, and Oklahoma as actual places, can be quite difficult to work with, especially when you are traveling to Mississippi, Tennessee, Arkansas, and Oklahoma, specifically.
Every street is a “highway.” Every “highway” or “freeway” or “interstate” has at least three names it goes by. Therefore not only is it Highway 66 East, but it is also Highway 142 North and Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd. This makes directions increasingly harder to understand.
While automatic toilet seat covers might sound cool, they don’t work. Therefore I would appreciate you providing a second method for “my protection.”
The one issue I now have with California malls, in fact malls across the U.S who haven’t jumped on this bandwagon, is that they do not have frozen daiquiri bars in the middle of them.
Even though Johnny and June thought Jackson was the place to “get married in a fever,” there is in fact nothing there. Definitely wasn’t worth the combing of my hair.
The myth of the “Southern Gentlemen” extends to all wait staff in restaurants. Never have I had such polite and convenient service. Why yes, I would love you to split the check, and if you have a chance, could you call California and get them interested in this phenomenon.
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| Beale St, Memphis |
After about seven "Honey” s come out of your mouth, your cute Southern drawl, tends to wear off and just becomes annoying.
There is NOT an abundance of cowboys walking down the streets in hats…and no shirts…much to my disappointment.
If you try and smother your bed mate (being kimi) with love (or a pillow) she'll make you suffer the next day. (i.e. force you to take all your pictures solo.)
There seems to be a lack of spinach in the spinach capital of the world. Especially a lack of giant spinach cans. But water on the other hand, now they have huge towers of those.
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| Popeye Park. Alma,AR |
Being single is no way to make friends with any of those Southern gals. They are all married, and your obvious singledom is considered a national threat to their own marriage.
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| on the road |
One way car rentals are ridiculously expensive. Gas on the other hand is cheap. And even if Archie, at the New Orleans Rental place chooses not to let you know, you should always get a gas receipt. That way, when you return the car, you can prove that you didn’t actually siphon water into your gas tank. FYI to the car rental companies: If I just gave you an obscene amount of money to drive a car 800 miles across the South, I’m not going to cheat you out of another 20 dollars worth of gas. Not to mention, if I even had the talent to siphon water into the car's gas tank, you should give me the rental for free... out of principal.
Oklahoma sucks. Your one redeeming quality were the shirts in your airport, “Nothing tips better than a cow.” But it’s not enough to escape from my shit list.
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| the blushing bride and reason for this entire trip. |
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Leaving on a Jet Plane
In like 36 hours I'm getting on a plane and heading South to New Orleans to embark upon Kimi and I's Southern adventure. I am in severe need of a vacation and I am really excited to go exploring. So what's the problem you ask? Just the fact that planning trips are STRESSFUL. And if you know me at all, you know I don't handle stress that well.
Towards the end of high school and my first few years in college I noticed that whenever I got stressed I would get sick. It would build and build and build as I was frantically studying for my statistics final, and then the second I finished the test, it would hit me as if I just ran into a brick wall. And I would be out for a week. Unfortunately for me the only times I would get stressed would be around midterms and finals, all right before we would have breaks from school, so that meant I spent a lot of thanksgiving, winter, and spring breaks laying in bed in my parents house being sick. I guess it was better than having to take those finals while also fighting the illness, but still, coughing your head off in bed while all you're friends are partying and celebrating sucks.
As the school work, and sorority responsibilities, got harder, the way I dealt with stress got worse and worse. Junior year had me throwing my back out every three months to the point where I couldn't move for a week. that was the absolute most frustrating way my body decided to "calm me down." There is nothing more stressful than having to miss work and school, and not being able to move anywhere without having your roommate help you put your pants on. I spent a good part of my spring semester in my fourth year of college on the floor with back issues. And my school work suffered greatly.
Since then I have been extra careful with my back, so of course my body being mine, it had to devise new ways to make me suffer. The most recent occurrence during my last semester was canker sores. Now those sucked! There is nothing like having canker sores (multiple multiple ones) all over you're mouth, hurting and preventing you from eating and talking. Too much information? Hey, they are canker sores, not herpes, and it was stress that caused them, not a lack of personal hygiene or anything.
So just my luck that past few weeks have been stressful to the max. Between work and school and planning this trip, it's no wonder that after working eleven straight days, I completely crashed on my two days off. I have been home sick with a horrible cold the past two days, and I have to get it under control before I sit on a plane for five hours Monday. The pressure of that time constraint isn't helping my calm down though. Not to mention I have been scrambling to get my suitcase packed and all my homework finished, and all the final touches on the trip in order. It has not been fun. I feel like I am no where near completing any of them. And now I seem to be breaking out in some sort of hives. Seriously? What is my problem?! I think I need to become a hippie and care about nothing and just sit around and relax all the time. Would that be a waste of my future master's degree?? If I am happy and stress free than I guess who cares. Now how do I break that new discovery to my parents.....oh, well guess this blog just did it for me. Sorry Mom and Dad, I'm gonna be a hippie, here's to hoping Ally is infinitely more successful.....someone's gotta support us.
Anyway, Bon Voyage! I promise stories and pictures when I return. Kimi and I have a competition going to see who can look like the biggest douche bag the entire trip. I might have a couple popped collars hiding in my suitcase. Hilarity and pictures to ensue. Until then.....Au Revoir!
Towards the end of high school and my first few years in college I noticed that whenever I got stressed I would get sick. It would build and build and build as I was frantically studying for my statistics final, and then the second I finished the test, it would hit me as if I just ran into a brick wall. And I would be out for a week. Unfortunately for me the only times I would get stressed would be around midterms and finals, all right before we would have breaks from school, so that meant I spent a lot of thanksgiving, winter, and spring breaks laying in bed in my parents house being sick. I guess it was better than having to take those finals while also fighting the illness, but still, coughing your head off in bed while all you're friends are partying and celebrating sucks.
As the school work, and sorority responsibilities, got harder, the way I dealt with stress got worse and worse. Junior year had me throwing my back out every three months to the point where I couldn't move for a week. that was the absolute most frustrating way my body decided to "calm me down." There is nothing more stressful than having to miss work and school, and not being able to move anywhere without having your roommate help you put your pants on. I spent a good part of my spring semester in my fourth year of college on the floor with back issues. And my school work suffered greatly.
Since then I have been extra careful with my back, so of course my body being mine, it had to devise new ways to make me suffer. The most recent occurrence during my last semester was canker sores. Now those sucked! There is nothing like having canker sores (multiple multiple ones) all over you're mouth, hurting and preventing you from eating and talking. Too much information? Hey, they are canker sores, not herpes, and it was stress that caused them, not a lack of personal hygiene or anything.
So just my luck that past few weeks have been stressful to the max. Between work and school and planning this trip, it's no wonder that after working eleven straight days, I completely crashed on my two days off. I have been home sick with a horrible cold the past two days, and I have to get it under control before I sit on a plane for five hours Monday. The pressure of that time constraint isn't helping my calm down though. Not to mention I have been scrambling to get my suitcase packed and all my homework finished, and all the final touches on the trip in order. It has not been fun. I feel like I am no where near completing any of them. And now I seem to be breaking out in some sort of hives. Seriously? What is my problem?! I think I need to become a hippie and care about nothing and just sit around and relax all the time. Would that be a waste of my future master's degree?? If I am happy and stress free than I guess who cares. Now how do I break that new discovery to my parents.....oh, well guess this blog just did it for me. Sorry Mom and Dad, I'm gonna be a hippie, here's to hoping Ally is infinitely more successful.....someone's gotta support us.
Anyway, Bon Voyage! I promise stories and pictures when I return. Kimi and I have a competition going to see who can look like the biggest douche bag the entire trip. I might have a couple popped collars hiding in my suitcase. Hilarity and pictures to ensue. Until then.....Au Revoir!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Do you Want to Know a Secret? (ooooo waaa oooo)
I love Post Secrets. Every Sunday morning, the first thing I do when I wake up is go to the site and read all the new secrets for the week. Sometimes I get so excited that I check Saturday night, and if you're lucky, they are sometimes already up. Which really just leaves me with nothing to do Sunday morning, just checking my email, which is never nearly as interesting. I just love the entire concept and story behind Post Secret. It's just really cool to read other people's secrets and realize maybe you're not the only crazy person out there. Whenever I find one that makes me laugh, or one that I agree with, or one that makes me go "awwwwwww," or something that reminds me of a friend or a situation from the past, I always save in a Post Secret file on my computer. I think I probably have two years worth of secrets on my external, and every once in a while it's always fun to go through and read them again. It always makes me smile, so here are some that I have saved over the years, hopefully they make you smile too.
All of these pictures were obtained from the Post Secret Site. If you haven't checked it out before, do it!
All of these pictures were obtained from the Post Secret Site. If you haven't checked it out before, do it!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Work Work Work and No Play
Oh the woes of retail!! It has been a while since I've shared something about the activity that seems to consume most of my life: Work. In fact it's been a while since I have shared anything about my life, there just never seems to be enough time. When I'm not working I'm having enough trouble squeezing in the important things; like school and my two new obsessions: re-watching the entire series of Veronica Mars and playing Words With Friends on "my" iPad. Persnickety crime fighting and scrabble with strangers and friends, all while lying in bed. Life's rough. I know.
But back to my main priority. Work. Work, and more Work. I have become a slave to my job recently because I actually just got a promotion. (insert woo hooo here). I'm moving on up and there is no stopping me now, I'm not going to spend hours listening to customers "return stories" and not make it worth anything. My new position has me working a lot more with the kids and babies departments. So often times, if you're looking for me, that's usually where I am, or somewhere sprinting in between. Since I am always there, people see me and get the impression that I am some sort of childrens clothing connoisseur. The truth of the situation is, I do know a lot about my stores childrens clothing; need to know if we have a certain style? or color? or size? I'm your girl! But if you want to know how the clothes fit, or what size your kid (who is not present I might add) wears, I have no idea, and it's a pretty simple breakdown as to why that is:
I unfortunately haven't been able to wear child sized clothing since I was probably ten, and I neither have a child (thank god) or any children friends to try the clothes on for me, and then provide me with detailed descriptions on how each article of clothing made them feel. I was under the impression those sorts of friendships were frowned upon.
Therefore when you ask me, how do those pair of pants fit, I am baffled as to what you are expecting me to spit out in response. "Well they're a little snug in the waist and loser around the hips and leg area, then they taper in at the ankles so she can accessorize them with little booties. But as a side note, they do make the butt look a little big." Your daughter is six! How does it fit? If it buttons it fits. If she can squeeze that skinny jean over her soccer calves, then they fit. But even better, if you take her to the fitting room, and she puts them on, you'll have your very own personal description of how they fit....to your daughter.
One major thing I have noticed, is that a lot of parents don't know what size their child wears. Now I understand that kids grow, so the sizes can change very rapidly, but there is a quick solution to this, have your child go try on a few options and then go with the one they can securely fasten over themselves. Parents are constantly showing up, sans child, asking me what size their kid wears. "My son's eight, what size should I be looking for?" My silent mind rebuttal: "My father is 55, what size do you think he would wear?" Age does not denote a universal size. For all I know your eight year old could be 150 pounds, or takes after your giant husband and is 5 feet tall. I'm no psychic, so unfortunately I can't help there. Wanna know if we have those bootcut jeans in a 14...we don't. So rather than stressing out the sales associate and yourself for that matter, if you are clueless to what size your kid wears, bring them with you. I can tell you that will be 100 percent more accurate than anything I could offer you.
I hope this has been advice to you all, since I know my main blog reading demographic parents with young children. If I am severely wrong about that, at least it amused you for the five minutes it took you to read. And just remember, the same goes for adults too, believe it or not just because I am 23 does not mean that's the size I wear in clothing. A fun fact for you all to absorb: they stop sizing clothes by age in the toddler sizes. So now you won't look like an idiot asking in the future.
In other, completely off topic news, I am completely putting my entire life on hold in a week and a half to go on a "vacation." I am pretty sure the timing is quite crappy with school and my job etc, but somehow I am making it work. I'll keep you posted on the aftermath of that decision, I'm sure it will be amusing in some sorts. But until then, watch out New Orleans, Jackson, Memphis, Little Rock and Fort Smith...you're in for a ridiculous treat!!
Also, as a P.S vote for my friend Kimi's graphic design for the H&M window display. It's amazing! As is she, and it's really easy to vote!! go here: http://www.yourarthere.com/entry/i-heart-ny/
I'll love you forever if you do it! Well scratch that, I already love you because you read my blog. Well vote, and then let me know....maybe we can work something out. ; )
But back to my main priority. Work. Work, and more Work. I have become a slave to my job recently because I actually just got a promotion. (insert woo hooo here). I'm moving on up and there is no stopping me now, I'm not going to spend hours listening to customers "return stories" and not make it worth anything. My new position has me working a lot more with the kids and babies departments. So often times, if you're looking for me, that's usually where I am, or somewhere sprinting in between. Since I am always there, people see me and get the impression that I am some sort of childrens clothing connoisseur. The truth of the situation is, I do know a lot about my stores childrens clothing; need to know if we have a certain style? or color? or size? I'm your girl! But if you want to know how the clothes fit, or what size your kid (who is not present I might add) wears, I have no idea, and it's a pretty simple breakdown as to why that is:
I unfortunately haven't been able to wear child sized clothing since I was probably ten, and I neither have a child (thank god) or any children friends to try the clothes on for me, and then provide me with detailed descriptions on how each article of clothing made them feel. I was under the impression those sorts of friendships were frowned upon.
Therefore when you ask me, how do those pair of pants fit, I am baffled as to what you are expecting me to spit out in response. "Well they're a little snug in the waist and loser around the hips and leg area, then they taper in at the ankles so she can accessorize them with little booties. But as a side note, they do make the butt look a little big." Your daughter is six! How does it fit? If it buttons it fits. If she can squeeze that skinny jean over her soccer calves, then they fit. But even better, if you take her to the fitting room, and she puts them on, you'll have your very own personal description of how they fit....to your daughter.
One major thing I have noticed, is that a lot of parents don't know what size their child wears. Now I understand that kids grow, so the sizes can change very rapidly, but there is a quick solution to this, have your child go try on a few options and then go with the one they can securely fasten over themselves. Parents are constantly showing up, sans child, asking me what size their kid wears. "My son's eight, what size should I be looking for?" My silent mind rebuttal: "My father is 55, what size do you think he would wear?" Age does not denote a universal size. For all I know your eight year old could be 150 pounds, or takes after your giant husband and is 5 feet tall. I'm no psychic, so unfortunately I can't help there. Wanna know if we have those bootcut jeans in a 14...we don't. So rather than stressing out the sales associate and yourself for that matter, if you are clueless to what size your kid wears, bring them with you. I can tell you that will be 100 percent more accurate than anything I could offer you.
I hope this has been advice to you all, since I know my main blog reading demographic parents with young children. If I am severely wrong about that, at least it amused you for the five minutes it took you to read. And just remember, the same goes for adults too, believe it or not just because I am 23 does not mean that's the size I wear in clothing. A fun fact for you all to absorb: they stop sizing clothes by age in the toddler sizes. So now you won't look like an idiot asking in the future.
In other, completely off topic news, I am completely putting my entire life on hold in a week and a half to go on a "vacation." I am pretty sure the timing is quite crappy with school and my job etc, but somehow I am making it work. I'll keep you posted on the aftermath of that decision, I'm sure it will be amusing in some sorts. But until then, watch out New Orleans, Jackson, Memphis, Little Rock and Fort Smith...you're in for a ridiculous treat!!
Also, as a P.S vote for my friend Kimi's graphic design for the H&M window display. It's amazing! As is she, and it's really easy to vote!! go here: http://www.yourarthere.com/entry/i-heart-ny/
I'll love you forever if you do it! Well scratch that, I already love you because you read my blog. Well vote, and then let me know....maybe we can work something out. ; )
Friday, September 10, 2010
TMI
It has been an interesting few years watching Facebook slowly morph from a way to make new college friends, to a way to make new all aged friends, to a creep-tastical stalking platform. I mean seriously, it's kind of ridiculous. Funny thing is, my thirteen year old self would have died with excitement over this kind of invention. And every once in a while she creeps back into my life and I find myself laying in bed with my laptop, eyes bugged out and burning, and somehow three hours have disappeared and I suddenly have a vague understanding of the current lives of people I never talked to in highschool. As more and more changes were made to Facebook, I slowly became less and less interested in the site. Don't get me wrong, I still check it every day, probably multiple times a day, and I use it more or less, but I don't find myself spending hours upon hours on it, and here is why:
I think we very easily forget just how many people we are Facebook friends with. Your collection of friends vary anywhere from your best friend in elementary school to that guy in your freshmen year college statistics class. People who you probably don't talk to at all anymore, yet they still have access to all your updates, and boy do you have access to theirs. Which brings me to my main Facebook concern: Over-sharers.
Did I miss the memo where Facebook is no longer a public site? I understand there are privacy blockers etc, but not from the people you are friends with. So what do you want me to do with your status update detailing your "douchebag boyfriend" and how he "broke your heart, and you have been uncontrollably crying for weeks." Ummmm.....great weather we've been having? Why would that be necessary to post in public domain, is this now an occasion where I need to send a virtual card? Not to mention to continuing status updates every hour with things like "I thought we were meant to be," "You were the love of my life," "Please call me and we can work it out." Now you're just giving girls everywhere a bad reputation. Keep your crazy desperation to yourself, like the rest of us. I definitely think that writing out your feelings about a situation can help the venting process and clear your mind, but get a diary, make those pages suffer, because quite frankly I'm sick of logging on and being bombarded to by your pleads to get him to call you. It's possible I just don't have any compassion, but if he isn't returning your calls, I don't think the "power" of Facebook is going to change the situation.
Also included in the over sharing category: bowel movements or lack thereof, STD's, pictures of your pregnancy tests (you may be thrilled, but all I can think about when seeing that picture is how you peed on that stick, and then left it out long enough so you could grab a snap shot!) Deaths, this could be me being incompassionate again....buuuut it seems inappropriate to me to make updating your Facebook status one of the stages of grieving.
I also very much dislike those of you who feel it is necessary to update your status with a five paragraph essay. You understand the basic concept of sentence structure! That's great! Get a blog and prove it to the world like the rest of us. And please, if you are going to insist on using song lyrics, make sure they are correct! It's just sad if I, the most incompetent lyric person in the world, recognizes that those are the wrong words. It only means one of two things, the song you used is either a Country song, or not a good one. It only takes 2.5 seconds to hit up AZ Lyrics or something, and trust me, it's worth the time.
I guess we can basically conclude that I just think personal things should be kept personal, and not written all over Facebook. Could be hypocritical considering I sit here and write a blog about my life. But I would like to think for the most part I have abstained from any extreme over-sharing. And my defense is this: people can make the informed choice to read this blog or not, unlike my newsfeed which seems to have a mind of own. Right....? Right!
oooohhh South Park. Nails it every time.
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